It was a typical day at the home of Elroy J. Catt, not much was going on. After fighting the poltergeists in the bathroom for the eighth time this week and stopping them from tearing up the toilet paper yet again, Elroy J. Catt decided that he would go outside and make the world safe.
Once he arrived outside he promptly captured a Ford Explorer.
“Meow.” Said Elroy. Which is cat language for “Feel my wrath, you decepticon. I have dominated you.”
Luckily for the car it did not fight back, for an enraged and angered Elroy J. Catt is not a sight for the weak of heart.
Feeling that he had saved the world from the evil Ford Explorer, Elroy said to himself. “Meow”. Which is cat language for “I think I will hop up in my hammock and take a nap.”
So he jumped up onto the old Snapper lawnmower and went to sleep.
A few hours later Elroy awakened to find that it was night time and that there was a strange smell in the air.
“Meow.” Said Elroy, which is cat language for “Hey it’s night time and there is a strange smell in the air.”
Determining that it was an interloping cat from another area, Elroy said. “Meow.” Which is cat language for “Hey that strange cat is chasing Little Poppy.”
Little Poppy was the name of the cat that had recently moved into the Elroy J. Catt home with the painted girl, the screeching boy and the little martian.
But that is another story..
Seeing Little Poppy in distress, Elroy sprang into action.
The fight was fierce with neither cat yielding for at least three seconds but alas Elroy prevailed. Little Poppy was saved and the interloper was sent on his way.
Elroy stayed outside for most of that night to make sure the other cat did not return.
With the exception of a small bite on his foot, Elroy felt he was none the worse for wear.
Elroy spent the rest of the night rigging several booby traps, which for some reason seemed more designed to cause the big weird guy bodily harm or indigestion or relieve his constipation at the very least.
As dawn finally broke, Elroy paused long enough to watch the sun rise.
“Meow.” Said Elroy Which is cat language for “If that stinking so and so shows up tonight, he will be in for a world of hurt.”
“Hey!” It was the big weird guy, standing in the doorway rubbing his head. “Who put that anvil over the door?”
“Meow.” Elroy replied in disgust. Which is cat language for “What the heck you idjut? Did you just wreck one of my booby traps? I worked hard to put that anvil up there.”
To which the big weird guy said. “First you shouldn’t rig an anvil to fall on someones head when they walk through the door. Second you should know an anvil to the head only discombobulates coyotes and third it was the bathroom door.”
“Meow!” Said Elroy which is cat language for “Well even interloping cats have to go sometimes.”
That being said Elroy wandered off.
Elroy spent the rest of the day catching chipmunks, playing with toy cars and chasing bubbles that the little martian was making.
But when sunset came and the moon began to rise, Elroy J. Catt felt strange, very strange.
“Meow.” Said a confused Elroy. Which is cat language for “What in the ever loving blue eyed world is going on here? Why am I suddenly craving raw humans? Why are my teeth and whiskers growing? Why do I feel so much stronger. Why does the big weird guy smell like bacon? Why does bubble gum lose it’s flavor?”
Pondering these questions, Elroy couldn’t help but notice that he was feeling pulled by the full moon.
Altered to the point that he went into the house and ate all the raw meat in the refrigerator, the big weird guy, and all the other occupants of the house.
Licking the blood from his coat Elroy J. Catt leaped to the roof of the house and began howling a blood curdling, screeching howl, a howl that set off car alarms and caused the neighbors to soil themselves.
He would howl at the full moon for hours that night until the lust for blood finally waned.
“Hey, Elroy. Get off the lawn mower. I have to cut grass.” The big weird guy said.
Elroy awoke in the garage on the seat of the new riding mower.
“Meow?” Elroy asked. Which is cat language for “What the ever loving blue eyed hell are you doing alive? Didn’t I kill you and your whole family?
Wait! What happened to the Snapper mower? Where did this new mower come from?”
“Well the Snapper mower has been gone for a while. No you did not kill any of us, although you did fart a while ago and it smelled like something dead. I bought this new mower a couple of months ago. Now get off so I can get the grass cut.” The big weird guy responded.
“Meow.” Said Elroy which is cat language for. “You mean it was all a dream? A great big glorious dream?”
Elroy walked out into the sunlight and promptly laid down under a tree and went back to sleep.
Tune in next time when we hear the big weird guy ask. “Wait! You think killing all of us and howling at the moon is a glorious dream?”
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Cat Beds
