The Night Before Christmas

Twas the night before Christmas and all through the rooms,
not a creature was stirring, we were all out of spoons

The children were hung by the chimney with care,
in hopes that Saint Nicholas soon would be there.

The baby was nestled all snug in her bed,
while roaches and spiders crawled over her head

I wore pajamas and my old lady a gown,
as we both crawled in bed about to get down

When out on the lawn arose such a clatter,
I leapt from the loft and fell down the ladder

Away to the window I flew like the Flash,
tore apart the shutters and threw up on the sash

As I stuck out my neck and looked at my shed,
down came the window on top of my head

When what to my bulging eyes should I see,
but a man on a sleigh running into a tree

The plump little driver so clumsy and slow,
yelled to his reindeer, ‘Dammit let’s go’

More faster than turtles his reindeer they came,
as he screamed and he shouted and called them bad names

On Dasher, on Dancer, on Donder and Blitzen,
on Comet, on Ajax, on Agnew and Nixon

To the top of the porch, to the top of the wall,
now dash away, crash away, smash away all

The prancing and pawing of each tiny hoof,
could clearly be heard as they all peed on my roof

As I pulled in my head and was turning around,
head first came Saint Nick as he crashed to the ground

He was covered in ashes from his hat to his shoes,
and gagging and wheezing and smelling like booze

Though his bag was filled with brand new toys,
he took all we had and made not a noise

In his bag was a hatchet I hoped was for me,
but before I could stop him, he chopped down our tree

Then laying his finger aside of his nose,
a bright yellow mucous from his nostrils he blows

Then away through the door, he screamed as he sped,
‘Damn the torpedoes, full speed ahead’