I read this in an issue of Cracked Magazine back in the 70’s and thought it would be good for this time of year.
I am rewriting it from memory so it may or may not be correct.
Twas the night before Christmas and all through the rooms,
Not a creature was stirring, we were all out of spoons,
The children were hung by the chimney with care,
In hopes that Saint Nicholas soon would be there,
The baby was nestled all snug in her bed,
While termites and spiders crawled over her head,
I wore pajamas and my old lady a gown,
As we both crawled in bed about to get down,
When out on the lawn I heard such a clatter,
I leaped from the loft and fell down the ladder,
Then away to the window I ran like the flash,
Tore apart the shutter and threw up on the sash,
As I stuck out my neck and looked to my shed,
Down came the window on top of my head,
When what to my watering eyes should I see,
But a man on a sleigh running into a tree,
The plump little driver so clumsy and slow,
Yelled at his reindeer “Dammit I need a tow!”
More faster than turtles his reindeer they came,
As he screamed and he cursed and called them bad names,
“On Dasher, on Dancer, on Prancer and Vixen,
On Comet, on Cupid, on Agnew and Nixon,
To the top of the porch, to the top of the wall,
Now dash away, smash away, crash away all,
The prancing and pawing of each tiny hoof,
Could be heard over his screams as he fell off the roof,
As I lowered the window and was turning around,
Head first came Saint Nick as he crashed to the ground,
He was covered in ashes from his hat to his shoes,
And coughing and wheezing and smelling of booze,
Though his bag was filled with brand new toys,
He took even more and made not a noise,
In his hand was a hatchet I thought was for me,
But before I could stop him, he chopped down our tree,
Then laying his finger aside of his nose,
A bright yellow mucous from his nostrils he blows,
Then away to the door, he screamed as he sped,
“DAMN THE TORPEDOES! FULL SPEED AHEAD!”
