Once upon a time, there was a little girl, whose name was Little Redneck Riding Hood.
She was well-known around town, because not only did she walk around in a Red Hood thingy, she also danced at Greasy Gert’s Discount Lap Dance and Potted Meat Emporium.
Well the old lady’s in town called her bad names like floozy and home wrecker and harlot (which I’m not quite sure what that means, I always thought it was a fishing lure). The old men in town called her bad names too, unless their wives was not around then they just stared and drooled.
This particular day Little Redneck Riding Hood was on her way to her granny’s house to take her a basket of Pabst Blue Ribbon and a bag of BBQ Porkskins.
She was happily walking down the trail through the woods to her granny’s house, stopping only, occasionally,to strike a pose like this.
When suddenly out of the bushes leapt the big bad wolf.
Yeah, I could have put a wolf picture up there but who would you rather see? I mean really?
Well the big bad wolf looked at Little Redneck Riding Hood and said. “DA-YAM!” Girl you looking fi-i-i-ne.
To which Little Redneck Riding Hood, smiled and said “You aint looking to bad yourself there, Mr. Mangy.”
Well the big bad wolf leaned in a little close and Little Redneck Riding Hood kicked him dead square in the bahogeys.
While the wolf was gasping for air and squealing like a pig (whoa Deliverance flashback, ugh) Little Redneck Riding Hood ran down the trail to her Granny’s house.
Yeah I could have put a wolf picture here, but come on, you know you want to see more of Little Redneck Riding Hood.
So anyway, the big bad wolf finally got his nuts out of his throat and ran, knowing he wouldn’t catch up to Little Redneck Riding Hood on the trail, he took a short cut through the woods.
The big bad wolf arrived at granny’s house ahead of Little Redneck Riding Hood and knocked upon her door.
“Who is it?” Granny shouted.
“Uh, census taker.” The big bad wolf replied.
“Screw you commie.” Granny said.
The big bad wolf knocked again.
“Who is it?” Granny asked.
“Uh UPS, I have a package for you ma’am.”
“Package my ass, I aint ordered nothing.” said Granny.
The wolf waited a minute then he knocked again.
“Who the hell is it now?” Granny asked.
“Budweiser, Ma’am you have won a lifetime supply of beer from us.” The big bad wolf said.
“Be right there.” Granny replied.
Then a horrific flash of light followed by the thunder of a double barrel shotgun knocked the big bad wolf off the porch and almost to the feet of Little Redneck Riding Hood as she walked up the trail.
“How did you know it was me?” The big bad wolf moaned.
“Cause you dumb sombitch you was knocking on my screen door.” Granny said.
Then Granny whipped out her blade and cut the big bad wolf’s throat, cause that’s what redneck women do.
Little Redneck Riding Hood helped finish skinning the wolf and Granny said to her “Deer this hide will make you some clothes so that you don’t have to walk around in the altogether like that any more.”
“But Granny.” Little Redneck Riding Hood replied.” If I was wearing more clothes this story would really suck.”
And they drank the beer and lived happily ever after
or at least til Little Redneck Riding Hood passed out and Granny had to make a beer run and got her ass busted for a dui.
The moral of this story is, if you drink don’t drive, or don’t mess with redneck women cause they will shoot your ass or cut you, or hell maybe the moral is both.
Hell I don’t know.
