The Night Before Christmas

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Twas the night before Christmas and all through the rooms,
not a creature was stirring, we were all out of spoons

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The children were hung by the chimney with care,
in hopes that Saint Nicholas soon would be there.

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The baby was nestled all snug in her bed,
while roaches and spiders crawled over her head

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I wore pajamas and my old lady a gown,
as we both crawled in bed about to get down

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When out on the lawn arose such a clatter,
I leapt from the loft and fell down the ladder

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Away to the window I flew like the Flash,
tore apart the shutters and threw up on the sash

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As I stuck out my neck and looked at my shed,
down came the window on top of my head

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When what to my bulging eyes should I see,
but a man on a sleigh running into a tree

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The plump little driver so clumsy and slow,
yelled to his reindeer, ‘Dammit let’s go’

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More faster than turtles his reindeer they came,
as he screamed and he shouted and called them bad names

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On Dasher, on Dancer, on Donder and Blitzen,
on Comet, on Ajax, on Agnew and Nixon

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To the top of the porch, to the top of the wall,
now dash away, crash away, smash away all

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The prancing and pawing of each tiny hoof,
could clearly be heard as they all peed on my roof

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As I pulled in my head and was turning around,
head first came Saint Nick as he crashed to the ground

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He was covered in ashes from his hat to his shoes,
and gagging and wheezing and smelling like booze

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Though his bag was filled with brand new toys,
he took all we had and made not a noise

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In his bag was a hatchet I hoped was for me,
but before I could stop him, he chopped down our tree

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Then laying his finger aside of his nose,
a bright yellow mucous from his nostrils he blows

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Then away through the door, he screamed as he sped,
‘Damn the torpedoes, full speed ahead’

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