I got this in an email today, I did not write it.DO NOT BRING PLANTS IN THE HOUSE DURING COLD WEATHER!
Then look no further, One Fine Day In The Oval Office is the book for them.
Do you have one of those liberal know it alls in your family that annoys the hell out of you?
You know the ones you have to buy something for, for Christmas. But you don’t really want to buy for them. Then give them the gift that keeps on giving.
No I’m not talking about an STD, I’m talking about this book.
Join those wacky liberal democrats and their friends as they go about their day to day lives of destroying our country.
If you need a good laugh or if you just want to piss off your liberal friends then this is the book for you.
Memories travel through your mind, like vacationers on a highway, sometimes there are more than you can count, and then that lonesome one comes straggling through.Sam is one of those stragglers. He travels through my mind every so often, bringing with him fond memories of a time when life was not nearly as complicated as it tends to become when we get older.I was eleven years old when I first met him. He was a young black and tan coonhound that my dad had traded a pocket knife and three dollars for. That in itself should have been an omen.My dad had been a coonhunter for as long as I can remember, and I would often wander the hillsides following behind, asking questions and annoying him on a regular basis.”What’s that sound?” I would ask.”Just an old owl.” He would reply.”What about that one?””That’s a squirrel, we must of woke him up walking around out here.” he would say.”I just heard a limb break, what is it?””That’s just the sound of me breaking a switch off this tree to whup your ass with if you don’t shut up and quit asking questions.”I had to admit dad had a way with words, although many is the time I did not like his words.As a coon hunter, my dad knew about dogs. He could look at a dog and tell immediately that it was a good one or that it wouldn’t, as he put it, “chase a biscuit.”That’s what always made me wonder about why he got Sam.We would keep him separated from the other dogs for a couple of day, and then ease him into the general population. Coonhounds can be a nasty lot, they will argue amongst themselves, or tie up and fight over having their space invaded by a newcomer. Since we didn’t want any shanking going on in the dog pen, we had to integrate Sam in with the others, Ol Ruby, Sparkplug and Lester.After a couple of days Lester, the self appointed Godfather of the dog pen finally started liking Sam and kind of took him under his wing.Unfortunately, Lester, who may have been the toughest of the dogs, was the worst coonhound in the bunch. A level of incompetence when it came to tracking raccoons that would only be matched and eventually overshadowed by Sam.The night finally came when it was time to take Sam and the others out for a hunt.We loaded them into the truck and drove over onto the far side of my grandfathers property (about two miles away). Dad dropped the tailgate and opened the box. The dogs spewed forth from the tiny opening, knocking the rheumatis medicine my dad always carried from his hand and spilling it all over the ground, where it was licked up by Sam. Who hiccupped and then staggered off behind the other dogs.“That dog sure walks funny.” I would later say, pointing out Sam’s wobbly gait.“Son of b*****! Drunk all my medication.” Dad would mutter.It wouldn’t be long until Sparkplug hit on a trail, and the baying of the hounds could be heard as they followed it through the hills and hollows.We stood by the truck listening to the dogs. When headlights appeared on the road behind us.”Good here comes Howard now. I hope he brought some more medicine.” Dad would say.I remember thinking that rheumatism must be some pretty bad stuff, because I had always hated taking medicine, but my dad seemed to like it. Then again I guess it worked, because dad drank plenty of the medicine and I never saw his rheumatism act up. I always thought it was funny that it never came in the bottles like my cough syrup and stuff came in. It was always in bottles, jugs, or Mason jars.Either way Howard produced a Mason jar full of the medicine and dad took a healthy dose of it, coughed and wheezed a few times, pounded his chest and said. “Alright, lets follow them dogs.”Now any hunter can tell that dogs have different barks and coonhounds are no exceptions, there’s the ‘okay we have hit a trail bark’ , the ‘okay this trail is hot (meaning recent raccoon activity) bark’ and the ‘holy smokes, he’s in this tree bark’.We were waiting for the latter.Finally the dogs treed the coon, down in the hollow near a little creek.As we hurried to the tree, I couldn’t help but think about the rheumatis again as I noticed both Howard and my dad were steadily taking large doses of the medication.Reaching the tree and shining our lights about, you could see Sparkplug jumping at the tree, Ol Ruby was chewing on the bark as if she were going to gnaw the tree into, and Lester was sitting down with his nose pointing toward the tree, barking occasionally. Sam was wobbling around, much the same as Howard and Dad, I noticed, and would let out the strangest bark I ever heard, followed by a hiccup.Dad spotted the coon up in the tree and shot it with a .22 rifle that he always carried and Howard ran over and got it before the dogs could tear it apart. We killed four raccoons that night and took them home and skinned them out for the fur and the meat.Lester, who was getting old would hunt with us four more times after that, until he got to where he couldn’t hardly walk, dad gave him to a friend of his who wanted to use him for breeding purposes.Ol Ruby and Sparkplug, made two more hunts with us, before they were sold to another coon hunter who had more money than he had sense.Sam endured. He would hunt with us six more times, right up until we moved and my dad quit coon hunting.The last hunt we made, Sam was the only dog. When we got out in to the woods and dad dropped the tailgate, he hopped out of the truck and took off sniffing for trails. After waiting at the truck for a couple of hours and never hearing the first bark, we decided to head back to the house.When we arrived at the house, we saw Sam sitting on the front porch.“Sam.” I said, as I ran up and patted him on his head.“He got here about twenty minutes after ya’ll left.” My mom told us. “Knocked on the door and said something about wanting some biscuits.”Dad quit hunting that night.Sam became more of the family pet kind of dog, instead of the wobbly, yet vicious, tracker of coons he had never once been.He was my best friend and would follow me everywhere I went, even when I didn’t want him to. I would be walking in the woods and he would be tiptoeing behind me, peeping out from behind trees or from under rocks.. On fishing trips Sam would often wade into the water to try to help me land the fish I had hooked or to try to help the fish, I’m not sure which.When we would play football in the front yard, Sam often made the game saving tackles, for one side or the other.When my mom would try to give us a whipping, Sam would save the day by chasing her back into the house.Sam stayed with us for three years after we moved. One day he walked out the front gate, and never returned. I hunted for him for weeks, and figuring he had met his end, I finally gave up.Other than in my memory, I would never see Sam again. Although my mom still remains a suspect.
In my mind, there are certain things that a man needs and they are, (in no particular order);
- A good gun. For this there are actually three good guns, a handgun for personal protection. A rifle for hunting, and a shotgun for hunting and home defense.
- A good way to make a living. Whether you’re a butcher or a baker or a candlestick maker you have to have money.
- A home. Yep you have got to have a place to lay that weary head.
- A truck. Every man needs a truck. Even if you live in the citiest city, you will still need to haul something, somewhere, sometime.
This is the story of number 4.I cannot recall a time in my life, since turning 16 that I did not own a truck. In some parts of my life I may have owned more than one and a couple of cars as well. Although I have owned one Chevy, a GMC, one International, a Dodge and a Willys , Fords have always been my favorites.My first truck was a 1957 Ford, (it was the mid year body style) when I first got it, I though it was painted with the red oxide primer, after buying the truck, I learned that rust is also the color of red oxide primer. I also learned about test drives.I was working on my grandmothers roof, when I saw the truck sitting in the yard of one of her neighbors. I noticed that there was some grass growing up around the truck and that it didn’t look to have been moved in quite a while.I knew the man pretty well, as I used to take him fish when I would catch more than I could eat.So I decided to walk over and inquire about it. I soon realized that I should probably have climbed down from the roof first, and sometimes pain and gravity seem to go hand in hand.I limped over into the yard, and saw the old man sitting on his front steps, smoking his pipe and talking to his dog. “You got any fish?” He yelled to me.“No.” I said.“Then what the hell you want?” he yelled back.I was wanting to ask about that truck you have sitting there.” I said.“Well then ask about it.” He replied.“What’s wrong with it?” I asked.“Nothing. It just needs a good home and a good driver.” He replied.“Cool. How much you want for it? I asked.“What you give me for it?” He asked.The negotiations commenced.Being the sharp negotiator that I was, I wound up paying only 25 dollars for the truck, of course I had to fix a loose front step, rewire his air conditioner, worm his dog, and reroof his house, but I paid only twenty five dollars for the truck.After completing the transaction, he handed me the key and said “She’s yours. Take good care of her.”I turned the key and the engine roared to life, well actually it more or less coughed, wheezed and gasped to life. But it ran. I knew right away that it would probably need mufflers, since he was standing at the driver side window, warning me to watch out for snakes. Undoubtedly trying to talk me into bringing him another mess of fish.Somewhere between the time I tried stopping at the end of his driveway and actually did stop over in his neighbors chestnut tree, I realized that he wasn’t concerned about my fishing.Even though it had no brakes, and no seatbelts, and most of the floorboard had been claimed by rust, I was proud of myself. I had gotten my first truck and I had gotten it on my own.With my head held high, I pulled into the driveway, went through the flowerbed, over the little apple trees and coasted to a stop in the creek that runs behind my parents house.My dad, a man totally lacking any form of a sense of humor met me halfway through the garden as I was walking back to the house. “Where in the hell did you get that piece of junk?” He asked, obviously concerned about my well being.“I bought it from old Leon.” I replied.“You bought it? You mean you actually paid good money for that thing? What the hell is wrong with you? Are you stupid or something? How much did you give for that damn thing?” He asked.“Twenty five dollars.” I said.“Twenty five dollars? Boy do you know how much ammo I could buy with twenty five dollars?”“No sir.” I replied.“Enough to shoot you and that truck so full of holes that neither of you would be recognized.” He said.We would later pull the truck out of the creek and I rigged up the brakes so that the emergency brake would work, then I parked it in the yard. I would drive it three more time before the engine died and never ran again. I did however sell it to a collector of old trucks for 100 dollars. Wooden floor boards and all.
Well I said I was going to get out of the politics and start talking about my website some.Whether you know it or not Light Outdoors is an online shopping mall that carries almost everything, for your leisure, and sporting needs. You name it, we’ve got it. Clothes, Shoes, Camping gear, hunting gear, fishing tackle, auto parts, tools appliances, light fixtures, lighting solutions, books and magazines,survival and tactical gear, costumes, movies and music.So click on this Outdoor Gear link, and check out everything we have to offer.This is a sampling from the sporting goods section, of our home page at Light Outdoors.This sample is from a company called The House, for more choices on sporting goods go here.
First thing we thought we would do is let Tarzan share some of his knowledge with us, surely having learned a lot from surviving in the jungle for as long as he has. So without further ado here he his.This Tarzan, me going to share knowledge with you, so you survive in jungle too.Never use hedgehog for toilet paper.Never jump out from behind tree and yell “Boogity boogity boogity” at Rhino, not good not good at all.When putting on loin cloth make sure animal not alive.Never eat Marula fruit, you wake up with hyena.If it seem good idea at time and you fall into crevasse, it probably not good idea.If playing leap frog with rhino, make sure you jump far.Never sling poo at Cheeta, him professional you no win.
Never moon wart hog. Wart hog no have sense of humor.
Never soak wart hog ravaged behind, in crocodile river, not good not good at all.Try all you want but you no can kick ostrich in cojones.Meerkats make good toilet paper, but them no like it.Always hold meerkat head FIRMLY if using it for toilet paper.Meerkat have sharp little teeth. Not good, not good at all.Never stare too long at elephant, cause lion sneak up behind you and bite butt. Damn sneaky lion.Never try to ride porcupine, not good not good at all.You no win argument with hippo, them very stubborn and have bad breath.Never go to dinner at savage cannibal village, all they serve is lost explorer, the other white meat.Elephants no have graveyard. Dummy! Them no got shovels to dig grave with.Never whack elephant with big stick, Tarzan whack elephant with big stick once, elephant then whack big stick with Tarzan.Stars show up in daytime when elephant whack you against tree repeatedly.Hyena no good to discuss quantum physics with.Howler monkey make good siren when playing cops and robbers, real good when you put him on rhino horn.Rhino no like howler monkey when it planted on rhino horn.Cheetah very fast but Tarzan faster especially when being chased by warthog, warthog no have sense of humor.Timone and Pumba cute in cartoon, but in real life them nasty bastards.Lion roar can be heard for five miles, Tarzan squeal can be heard for twenty miles when playing leap frog with rhino. Not good not good at all.http://lightoutdoors.com
Welcome to the semi, weekly almost monthly once or twice a year question and answer session with the Lord Of The Jungle, the man that knows all and simplifies it for you.Edith in Omaha asks;Dear Tarzan, my dog, Scruffy, chases cars, and barks for no reason at all, we can never get any sleep, and I am always worried about him getting ran over. What do you suggest I do.Dear Edith, Wait til Scruffy catch car then you no have to worry.Tracy in Topeka asks;Dear Tarzan, My boyfriends mother is coming to live with us, and she hate my guts, she is rude, obnoxious, and belittles my boyfriend all the time, what should I do?Dear Tracy, Find new boyfriend.Debbie in Dallas asks;Dear Tarzan, My 1972 Chevy Malibu is making a pinging sound, and I don’t know what to do about it.Dear Debbie, Third pushrod from front on right sight, it warped.Juanita in Wisconsin asks;My son has a science project due in about three days, he still has not figured out what he wants to make, much less even started working on it, I don’t want him to fail again in school, what do I do?Dear Jaunita, Whack son with stick, then him can do science project to discuss various shapes of bruises.Tom in Temple asks;Dear Tarzan, My wife thinks I never listen to her in fact she said something about it the other night I think, but the reason I quit listening is because she keeps nagging, good Lord man if I don’t get some help I may wind up going insane. What do I do?Dear Tom, whack wife with stick.Melonie in Montgomery asks;Dear Tarzan, people think I am an airhead because I am blond, and they make fun of me because I get confused and disctracted very eas… hey a squirrel, awe it is so cute it reminds me of… that’s a cool car, oh rats I forgot what I was writing about.Dear Melonie; Look out for bus.Derek in Des Moines asks;Dear Tarzan, what are some things I should know if I ever decided to move to the jungle to live like you do?Dear Derek; There are many things Derek should know, here are a few,Never make goo goo eyes at gorilla, especially boy gorilla, not good not good at all.Never use porcupine as toilet paper, not good not good at all.Never help lost explorer, him just cause trouble and get eat by cannibals anyhow.Know where Marula tree at, but if eat too much you wake up with hyena, them have bad morning breath.Never hide behind tree and try to trip rhino.Never moon warthog, warthog no have sense of humor.Never let Cheeta read email, him tell whole jungle.Never call pygmy, ghetto leprechaun, they no like that and they bite, not good not good at all.Never trust damn sneaky lion with pork skins, he eat all of them and leave bag laying around.When Zulus throw party, no smoke pipe, you wake up with hand in empty pork skin bag.Make sure loin cloth no have fleas.That all for now, Tarzan be back soon or you email Tarzan at Lord of Jungle
So we have all seen the signs everywhere, Oil Change and Lube only $19.99, so you drive up to this place claiming to be a ten minute oil change, and you have to get in line and wait an hour, then you find out that the 19.99 only covers an in house filter, (which most vehicles use) and 5 quarts of oil. If your vehicle uses 6 quarts like mine does you have to pay extra for that quart. Sometimes as much as 6 dollars extra for that quart. Now if you don’t like doing it yourself and dont like getting greasy then I guess this is the perfect deal for you. My problem is I have a lot of things to do, and I don’t like waiting around, and not only that I like to do things myself, (why pay somebody to do something you can do yourself and save money at?)Okay let’s get to the business of changing the oil in your car.Go to a parts store or wal-mart and get your oil and filter. If you use wal-mart they have a directory hanging on that aisle (well most of the time they do), use it to look up your model and make of vehicle, then pick the appropriate filter, get an air filter while you are there also (changing the air filter can improve your gas mileage, by up to 3 miles per gallon).Pick up the amount of oil your vehicle needs. Most four cylinder engines use 4 quarts, most 8 cylinders use 5 now, most 6 cylinders use 5 also, unless you have an older Ford with the 4.9 liter 6 or any of the older V-8 engines they use 6 and sometimes 7.All in all for my truck, oil filter, oil, air filter, and tube of grease (which lasts about a year, through regular lubing of my truck) costs almost 18.00. It would be cheaper if I used one of the off brands of oil, but I like Valvoline, or Castrol.Okay you have the oil now lets get to changing that stuff.Drive home.Park Car.See if you can locate oil plug, it is usually on the back of the oil pan.See also if you can fit under car to reach oil plug.Make sure that oil plug is facing down hill, (so that all the oil drains).Locate oil filter, different vehicles have it in different locations, just look for a place that you figure there is no earthly way you can get your hand in there to remove an oil filter and that is usually where it will be.Okay now we are ready to start,Step 1 Loosen the oil filler cap, should be on top of engine, don’t remove it yet (to keep trash from falling in).Step 2 Scratch up your arm and hand in preparation for removing oil filter. Using a wire brush usually works for me. A Bench grinder is overkill in this part.Step 3 Scream.Step 4 Reach into awkward spot and try to twist off oil filter, they are usually stuck, but this helps to add scratches to your arm.Step 5 Pull arm out and get the filter wrench, if you don’t have a filter wrench you can push a screwdriver through the side of the filter and use it for leverage to get the filter loose.Step 6 Cuss because you just stuck a screw driver through a heater hose.Step 7 Finally remove the filter.Step 8 Crawl back under the vehicle, using a drain pan or a bucket, remove the oil plug, from the oil pan, be sure to cover your hand, arm and part of your face with hot oil, (some people pay spas big money for hot oil treatments, so you save double on this step).Step 9 By the time you clean the oil from your eyes well enough to see, it should all be drained from your engine.Step 10 replace the oil plug.Step 11 Take a little bit of oil and rub it around the rubber gasket on your oil filter.Step 12 Install new oil filter. Tighten as tight as you can by hand. (Some people fill their filters with oil before installation, but if your filter mounts sideways in stead of up and down, you will pour out more oil than you save.Step 13 Remove Oil cap and pour in new oil. Like I say my truck holds six quarts, so I pour in six quarts.Step 14. Start your engine, and look under vehicle for leaks.Step 15 Shut down engine, wait a few minutes, then check your oil.Step 16 If the oil is low add some if it is overfull you may have to drain a little, if it is just right close the hood you are done.Step 17 Scream for someone to come out and open the hood because you have gotten your fingers caught.You can take the old oil to a recycling center or you can make use of it yourself.If you have a dual fuel heater system, most of those will use recycled oil.If you have a chainsaw, you can use the recycled oil for your chain oil tank.If you have a dog with mange, mix some sulphur with some of the recycled oil and rub it on your dog.If you have a friend that needs a good prank, sneak over and put some in his driveway under his car. (always good for a laugh, unless you have to clean it up).Put it in an oil can to lube hinges, and other things with.Some folks mix it with gasoline for their two stroke engines ( I do not recommend this, due to viscosity and metal particles that may be in the old oil).
Simple maintenance on your car, truck or suv can save a lot of money in repairs, and the best part is that with most maintenance you don’t have to have a mechanic.Today I am going to talk about rotating the tires on your car, this simple thing can give you more usage out of your tires, thus saving you some money.Okay lets get started.Step 1 park on a level or as close to level spot as you can.Step 2 locate the best spot for the jack, some cars have notches in the under carriage for the jack to fit. Of course if you use the old roll around floor jack like I do, then you find a good flat spot on the under carriage close to the tire you are about to change. It’s best to have two jacks to do this with or some jack stands.Step 3 jack up the car.Step 4 remember you should have set the parking brake and scotched the tires as you chase your car and the roll around floor jack down the driveway.Step 5 lower the car and pull back up to the starting spot.Step 6 scotch the tires.Step 7 jack up the car.Step 8 let the car back down so you can break the lug nuts loose.Step 9 Smack knuckles against ground while breaking lug nuts loose, very important to remember this step.Step 10 Explain to girlfriend/wife/significant other, that jumping up and down and yelling profanity is a family tradition when changing tires.Step 11 jack the darn car back up.step 12 remove the previously loosened lug nuts.Step 13 Remove the tire.Okay here is where if you have two jacks you can do this easier, but we are assuming you only have the one.Step 14 place spare in place of tire that was just removed.Step 15 install lug nuts to keep tire from falling off, you don’t have to tighten them all the way just snug them up good.Step 16 jack up other tire on the same side, and follow previous steps for removing that tire.Step 17 try to remember which tire you just took off and which tire you took off first, and then put the tire you took off first on in place of the tire you just removed.Step 18 tighten lug nuts.Step 19 lower car.Step 20 raise car back up and remove foot from under tire.Step 21 lower car and tighten the hell out of the lug nuts.Step 22 raise other tire back off the ground, (the one with the spare ) replace spare with tire you just removed.Step 23 follow above directions for the other side.Step 24 drink beer, lots of beer and try to remember if you tightened all the lug nuts.Step 25 loose wheel on highway because you were too drunk to remember step 24.I hope this tutorial helps you, tune in tomorro when we will be discussing changing oil.
So I decided to move the electric socket that I kept sticking my now molten toenail into.This is a step by step tutorial on how to move not only toenail attacking sockets but other ones as well.
Step one, using a flat head screw driver take the outlet cover off.
Step two, realize that turning off the power should have been step one.
Step three, quit hopping around and go turn off the breaker already.
Step four, stab self in hand with screwdriver.
Step five, more hopping, now quit crying and get back to work.
Step six, finish removing socket cover.
Step seven, unscrew socket itself from protective box.
Step eight using needle nose wire pliers, remove wires from back of socket.
Step nine, pinch blood blister on fleshy part of hand between thumb and index finger.
Step ten, more hopping.
Step eleven, explain to significant other that dust always makes your eyes water.
Step twelve, mark location to move socket box to.
Step thirteen, using hammer, whack self in hand while trying to mount box.
Step fourteen, look at the stars and little birds that are swirling around your head, after whacking self with hammer caused you to abruptly raise up.
Step fifteen, drink beer, lots of beer so you can blame everything on being drunk…IE.. I was drunk that’s why I accidentally threw the hammer through the window.
Step sixteen pass out and hope that your significant other calls an electrician before you come to and kill yourself.I hope this tutorial helped you.