Just Ask Tarzan

Welcome to the semi, weekly almost monthly once or twice a year question and answer session with the Lord Of The Jungle, the man that knows all and simplifies it for you.Edith in Omaha asks;Dear Tarzan, my dog, Scruffy, chases cars, and barks for no reason at all, we can never get any sleep, and I am always worried about him getting ran over. What do you suggest I do.Dear Edith, Wait til Scruffy catch car then you no have to worry.Tracy in Topeka asks;Dear Tarzan, My boyfriends mother is coming to live with us, and she hate my guts, she is rude, obnoxious, and belittles my boyfriend all the time, what should I do?Dear Tracy, Find new boyfriend.Debbie in Dallas asks;Dear Tarzan, My 1972 Chevy Malibu is making a pinging sound, and I don’t know what to do about it.Dear Debbie,  Third pushrod from front on right sight, it warped.Juanita in Wisconsin asks;My son has a science project due in about three days, he still has not figured out what he wants to make, much less even started working on it, I don’t want him to fail again in school, what do I do?Dear Jaunita, Whack son with stick, then him can do science project to discuss various shapes of bruises.Tom in Temple asks;Dear Tarzan, My wife thinks I never listen to her in fact she said something about it the other night I think, but the reason I quit listening is because she keeps nagging, good Lord man if I don’t get some help I may wind up going insane. What do I do?Dear Tom, whack wife with stick.Melonie in Montgomery asks;Dear Tarzan, people think I am an airhead because I am blond, and they make fun of me because I get confused and disctracted very eas… hey a squirrel, awe it is so cute it reminds me of… that’s a cool car, oh rats I forgot what I was writing about.Dear Melonie; Look out for bus.Derek in Des Moines asks;Dear Tarzan, what are some things I should know if I ever decided to move to the jungle to live like you do?Dear Derek; There are many things Derek should know, here are a few,Never make goo goo eyes at gorilla, especially boy gorilla, not good not good at all.Never use porcupine as toilet paper, not good not good at all.Never help lost explorer, him just cause trouble and get eat by cannibals anyhow.Know where Marula tree at, but if eat too much you wake up with hyena, them have bad morning breath.Never hide behind tree and try to trip rhino.Never moon warthog, warthog no have sense of humor.Never let Cheeta read email, him tell whole jungle.Never call pygmy, ghetto leprechaun, they no like that and they bite, not good not good at all.Never trust damn sneaky lion with pork skins, he eat all of them and leave bag laying around.When Zulus throw party, no smoke pipe, you  wake up with hand in empty pork skin bag.Make sure loin cloth no have fleas.That all for now, Tarzan be back soon or you email Tarzan at Lord of Jungle

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