Elroy J. Catt and the TP of Doom

It was a typical Saturday morning as Elroy J. Catt was walking through the house, the big weird guy was drinking a cup of coffee and mumbling to himself.
The caring woman was still asleep as was the loud boy who had stayed up playing video games to the break of dawn.

Elroy walked by the big weird guy and said “Meow.” Which is cat language for “Whatcha doing big weird guy.”

“Reading my email and quit calling me weird.” The big weird guy responded.

“Email huh?” thought Elroy, “Seems like a waste of time to me.”

After finishing his coffee the big weird guy walked into the bathroom and asked “What in the ever-loving blue-eyed world has happened in here?”

“Meow?” Asked Elroy “Which is cat language for “Why big weird guy whatever do you mean?”

“I mean there is toilet paper everywhere. On the toilet, in the toilet, on the sink, in the shower, on the light bulbs, on the light switch, in the cabinet behind the sink, on the shelves by the toilet, it’s like toilet paper rolls exploded.” The big weird guy exclaimed.

“Meow.” Said Elroy. Which is cat language for “Hmm, I will have to get to the bottom of this mystery.”

“Elroy, did you do this?” The big weird guy asked calmly.

“Meow?” replied Elroy. Which is cat language for “Who me?”


The big weird guy cleaned up all the toilet paper and put it in the trash, and carried it outside to the garbage can.

“I have to solve this mystery fast.” Elroy thought to himself, “Or else they are going to blame me for this.

 

Elroy J. Catt walked through the living room where he saw Spookie Marie Moosebaum sitting in her favorite chair.

“Hey Spookie. What are you doing?” Elroy asked.

“Shedding.” Spookie replied. “Now leave me alone.”

 

“Do you know anything about the toilet paper explosion that occurred sometime during the night?” Elroy asked.

“I care not about toilet paper, I have more important things to do, such as shedding.” Spookie replied.

“Shedding is not that difficult.” Elroy said. “Everyone sheds, you, me, the caring woman, the big weird guy, the loud boy, everyone.”

“Yes but does everyone know how to pick places that are going to have just the right amount of static electricity so that the hairs will stick to everything that comes in contact with them?” Spookie asked.

“Well I guess I never thought of that.” Elroy replied.

“Of course you didn’t, you are as much an ignorant peasant as the rest of the bunch that live here.” Spookie said haughtily.

“Okey dokey.” Said Elroy as he walked into the kitchen. Where the big weird guy was getting a cup of coffee.

“Meow.” Said Elroy to the big weird guy. Which is cat language for “Hey, big weird guy, give me some food.”

“I just put some food in your dish.” The big weird guy said.

“Meow.” Replied Elroy, which is cat language for  “Yes, but that food is at least thirty seconds old and I can see the bottom of my dish, and besides that Spookie may or may not have breathed in the direction of my food bowl when she was over there scowling at her food bowl.”

“Oh good grief.” The big weird guy said as he put more cat food into Elroy’s bowl.

As Elroy ate the newer cat food he pondered the enigma of the toilet paper.

Then remembering what happened he walked into the living room past the shedding Spookie Marie and over to the big weird guy.
“Meow.” Said Elroy. Which is cat language for “I just remembered how the toilet paper got exploded.”

“Oh really? How?” The big weird guy asked.

“Meow.” Elroy replied. “Poltergeist.”

“Poltergeist?” The big weird guy asked. “Are you sure?”

“Meow.” Said Elroy. Which is cat language for “Yes I am quite certain. In fact I will tell you what happened.”

“Do tell.” The big weird guy said.

“Meow.” Said Elroy. Which is cat language for “I would if you would quit interrupting me. This morning in the predawn hours I was walking down the hall when I heard a noise coming from the bathroom, now you may assume it was the pop off valve on the water heater but that is just what they want you to think.”

“They being the poltergeist?” The big weird guy asked.

“Meow.” Elroy nodded, which is cat language for “Yes, the poltergeist, they want you to think that is the pop off valve. But it isn’t, it is their secret communications.
When I went to investigate and tell them to get out of here. They attacked me with toilet paper.”

“They attacked you with toilet paper? Not the plunger? Or the toilet brush or even the shower curtain?” The big weird guy asked bemusedly.

“Meow.” Replied Elroy, which is cat language for “Yes with the toilet paper, they were throwing it up in the air and trying to roll me with it, but I fought back valiantly and just when I thought I had them defeated one of the poltergeist pulled the pin and threw a toilet paper grenade at me luckily I ducked behind the laundry hamper and the TP exploded harmlessly all around me. I then said to them ‘Hey you stinking poltergeist, get the heck on out of here.’ to which they replied ‘Okay.’ and they left.”

“Really?” The big weird guy asked. “So that is how it happened?”

“Meow?” Asked Elroy, which is cat language for  “Are you going to believe me or are you going to believe a bunch of stinking poltergeist?”

“Wow Elroy,” Said the big weird guy. “I guess you really are a hero.”

“Meow.” Said Elroy, which is cat language for “Great, now where is my medal and I want waffles.”

“Sorry.” The big weird guy responded. “I don’t have a medal to give you and since when do you eat waffles?”

“Meow.” Said Elroy, which is cat language for “I don’t eat waffles you silly beast, I just use them to smack Spookie upside her head.”

“Oh, in that case I will make you some waffles.” The big weird guy said.

So the big weird guy made Elroy J. Catt some waffles which he used to smack Spookie Marie Moosebaum upside her head.

Tune in next time when we hear Spookie Marie Moosebaum say. “Me-ew” Which is cat language for “Big weird guy if Elroy don’t stop waffling me I am going to stick these things up his nose and poop in your shoe again.”

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