Elroy J. Catt And The Kitchen Cabinet Of Despair

Elroy J. Catt was making his usual rounds through the house when he heard the big weird guy call him.
“Elroy.” The big weird guy said. “Who destroyed the toilet paper?”

“Meow.” replied Elroy, which is cat language for “Well it looked like so much fun when the poltergeist were doing it that the roach bugs decided they wanted in on the act.”

“So you are telling me that roaches attacked our bathroom over night, destroyed the toilet paper, pumped all of the hand soap onto the counter, took apart my hair clippers, re wired the lights and stuck my shoe in the toilet?” The big weird guy asked.

“Meow.” Elroy responded, which is cat language for “Yep.”

“So I am supposed to believe that a roach done this?” The big weird guy asked.

“Meow.” Elroy said nodding his head, which is cat language for  “Yep, cause you know roaches can lift up to fourteen times their body weight and they are pack animals, when they go on their migrations nothing can stand in their way.”

The big weird guy scratched his head and asked. “Are you sure that’s roaches and not army ants?”

“Meow.” Responded Elroy which is cat language for “There are no army ants around here. Have you lost your mind? We don’t live in the Amazon jungle. It had to be a migratory pack of outlaw roach bugs.”

“Uh huh.” The big weird guy said as he closed the bathroom door.

Elroy turned and walked away through the living room where he saw Spookie Marie Moosebaum sleeping on top of the recliner.

Carefully and silently he crept up behind her and with a loud high pitched voice he screamed “HASSELHOFF!” Which caused Spookie to lift her eyelid and smack Elroy with her tail, knocking him backwards from the recliner onto the floor.

“Dang it!” Elroy said to himself as he walked into the kitchen and waited on the big weird guy.
As he was standing in the kitchen Elroy noticed the kitchen cabinet door was slightly open and decided this needed to be investigated.
Jumping up he hooked the door with his front foot, slung it open and leaped into the cabinet. The door however was slung open with such force that once it hit the wall it shot back, knocking Elroy to the back of the cabinet and coming to a complete close.

“Hey you stupid door.” Said Elroy “Open up and let me out of here.”
But the door said nothing.

“I’m talking to you, ya idjut. Open up I said.” Elroy said.
But still the door did not respond.

“Open Sesame.” Said Elroy waving his paw around.
Still the door did nothing.

“Abracadabra.” Elroy said gesturing toward the door.
Still the door did nothing.

Backing up Elroy got a running start and threw his full body weight against the door, it did not budge.

Reaching into his pocket he pulled out his Swiss Army knife and tried prying the door open, still it did not move.

Feeling anguish and despair, Elroy looked around the cabinet for something he could use to  help him get out of the situation.

” Let’s see, we have bottled water, tuna, MREs, cat food, bread, ravioli, soylent green, Doritos, a saw, some thermite, Pop Tarts  and wait…. Doritos and Tuna….Doritos and Tuna… Tuna and Doritos…. Yes. I am saved.”

Just as he was about to rip open the bag of Doritos Elroy heard voices from the other side of the door. It was the caring woman. 

“Well hey there Spookie.” She said. “What are you doing girl? Why are you holding that cabinet closed?”

“Meeee” Replied Spookie, which is cat language for “I’m not holding the cabinet door shut I was just leaning up against it and stretching.”

“Well move girl, I have to get in there.” The caring woman said as she moved Spookie Marie Moosebaum out of the way to open the cabinet.

As she opened the door she saw Elroy sitting in the cabinet with a half eaten can of tuna, some shredded paper towels an open bottle of water and a funny grin.

“Elroy. What are you doing in the cabinet? Did you do this?” The caring woman asked.

“Meow.” Elroy responded, which is cat language for “The poltergeist that moved from the bathroom apparently set up camp in here, I was trying to evict them when the cabinet door got stuck and I could not get out.”

“The door wasn’t stuck, silly.” The caring woman said as she pointed over at Spookie who sat there with a mischievous look on her face. “That’s why you were holding the door shut. You were playing a prank on Elroy.” she said as she scratched Spookie on the head.

The caring woman grabbed a few things from the counter and said, “I am cooking breakfast. What should I make?”

“Meow. ” Said Elroy as he gave Spookie the stink eye, which is cat language for “Waffles.”

Spookie turned and walked out of the kitchen with a big silly grin on her face, arriving in the living room she again climbed up onto the back of the recliner and stretched out to take a nap.
“I’ll teach you to lock me in the cabinet!” Exclaimed Elroy to himself as he flipped the lever on the side of the recliner causing the back of it to shoot upwards sending Spookie flying through the air and onto the back of the big weird guys head.

“What in the ever loving wide world of sports was that about?” The big weird guy asked turning around to see Spookie scamper out the door.

“Meow.” Said Elroy, which is cat language for, “Spookie is going to learn you just don’t hassle the hoff.”

Tune in next time when you hear a roach bug say “Oh no! A dingo took my baby!”


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