It was a typical morning as the alarm clock sounded, startling Elroy J. Catt and causing him to slap the big weird guy in the foot.
“Meow.” Said Elroy, which is cat language for “Hey big weird guy turn off that stinking alarm clock.”
To which the big weird guy responded “Dang it Elroy! Quit slapping my toe and quit calling me weird!”
“Meow.” Replied Elroy, which is cat language for “Well turn that thing off. I was having a great dream and that stinking think woke me up. Oh by the way, would you rather I called you stinky feet?”
“No.” The big weird guy said. “I was dreaming too but I have to get up anyhow.”
Elroy got up and made his rounds through the house as the big weird guy wandered into the kitchen to begin fixing a pot of coffee.
“It is a beautiful day. ” Elroy thought to himself. “Let’s see what I need to do to start out this morning.”
Walking down the hall he pondered whether he should attack the toilet paper or the laundry hamper first. Suddenly like a flash of lightning Elroy realized that the first thing he should attack is the computer speaker on the big weird guys desk.
“Meow.” Said Elroy, which is cat language for “Hey big weird guy that computer speaker is looking at me funny.”
“The computer speaker does not have eyes, Elroy. It can’t be looking at you.” The big weird guy replied.
“Meow!” Shouted Elroy, that’s cat language for “I’ll teach you to suck eggs you stinking speaker.” as he leaped up on the shelf above the computer speaker to attack it.
“Leave my speaker alone.” The big weird guy shouted as Elroy ran off to find other foes to battle.
Elroy walked into the kitchen to see Spookie Marie Moosebaum sitting on the microwave.
“Hey Spookie, whatcha doing?” Elroy asked.
“I’m windsurfing. What does it look like I’m doing you goofball?” Spookie replied.
“Oh well excuse me.” Elroy said as he attacked the garbage can, knocking it over and making a mess in the kitchen floor.
After making a mess, checking his food bowl, shredding the paper towels and passing gas in Spookie’s general direction, Elroy turned and walked back into the other room.
“Meow.” Said Elroy pointing at the speaker. That’s cat language for “Hey, you stupid speaker I knocked you down. What are you doing standing up again?”
“I stood it up.” Said the big weird guy “Now quit messing with it and behave yourself.”
“Meow.” Replied Elroy. Which is cat language for “Never you Philistine.”
Jumping onto the shelf again Elroy looked at the big weird guy as he picked up the speaker and dropped it off the shelf into the floor behind the desk.
“You little psycho!” The big weird guy exclaimed as he stood up and went behind his desk, picked up the speaker and put it back on the shelf.
“Meow.” Said Elroy. Which is cat language for “Who you calling a psycho? You stink footed hairless baboon.”
“Hey. I’ve heard about enough of your attitude mister.” The big weird guy said as Elroy once again attacked the speaker.
The big weird guy walked out to his garage and came back in with a roll of duct tape and proceeded to tape the speaker to the shelf so that Elroy would not be so easily able to knock it over.
Seeing this Elroy knew he had to act fast so he ran over and began kicking the big weird guy in the leg.
“What are you doing now?” The big weird guy asked.
“Meow.” Elroy responded, which is cat language for “I’m kicking you in the shin. What did you think I was doing? Fly fishing?”
It was at this time the loud boy hearing the commotion walked into the room and asked, “Why is Elroy kicking you in the shin?”
“Cause I taped up the speaker,s o he couldn’t knock it over so easy.” The big weird guy said.
With Elroy still kicking him in the shin the big weird guy walked into the kitchen to get another cup of coffee.
“Meow.” Said Elroy. Which is cat language for. “You better run, or walk, or whatever you call that movement you do.”
“It’s more like lumbering.” Said Spookie to Elroy.
“Lumbering or stumbling or something.” Elroy said as he turned and ran.
The big weird guy walked into the other room where once again the speaker was laying on its side this time taped sideways to the shelf.
“Elroy! How did you do this?” The big weird guy said.
“What did he do?” The loud boy asked.
“He cut the tape, knocked the speaker over, taped it to the shelf, used up all of my duct tape and wrapped the speaker wire around the support post there.” The big weird guy said pointing to the post that stands behind his desk. “All in the blink of an eye.”
“Meow” Said Elroy, which is cat language for “Ha, you will never find out.”
“Mew.” Said Spookie Marie Moosebaum, which is cat language for “He used his time distortion device to slow you down while he ran in there and wreaked havoc.”
“What time distortion device?” The big weird guy asked.
“Meow.” Said Elroy, which is cat language for “The one I built from the leftover parts of the nuclear reactor that I built out in the garage.”
“Nuclear reactor!” Shouted the big weird guy as he ran toward the garage.
Elroy walked over to the computer desk and removed the batteries from the big weird guys mouse and keyboard, putting them in a box addressed to Cameroon, he looked up at Spookie and said, “Hey Spookie, remember that time you pooped in the big weird guys shoe?”
“How could I forget.” Said Spookie, “He still hasn’t cleaned those shoes.”
“Yeah good times.” Said Elroy as he smiled and attached the FedEx label.
Tune in next time when we here the big weird guy say…. “No we are not changing your name to Elroy J. Hasselhoff.”