Just Ask Tarzan

Welcome to the semi, weekly almost monthly once or twice a year question and answer session with the Lord Of The Jungle, the man that knows all and simplifies it for you.Edith in Omaha asks;Dear Tarzan, my dog, Scruffy, chases cars, and barks for no reason at all, we can never get any sleep, and I am always worried about him getting ran over. What do you suggest I do.Dear Edith, Wait til Scruffy catch car then you no have to worry.Tracy in Topeka asks;Dear Tarzan, My boyfriends mother is coming to live with us, and she hate my guts, she is rude, obnoxious, and belittles my boyfriend all the time, what should I do?Dear Tracy, Find new boyfriend.Debbie in Dallas asks;Dear Tarzan, My 1972 Chevy Malibu is making a pinging sound, and I don’t know what to do about it.Dear Debbie,  Third pushrod from front on right sight, it warped.Juanita in Wisconsin asks;My son has a science project due in about three days, he still has not figured out what he wants to make, much less even started working on it, I don’t want him to fail again in school, what do I do?Dear Jaunita, Whack son with stick, then him can do science project to discuss various shapes of bruises.Tom in Temple asks;Dear Tarzan, My wife thinks I never listen to her in fact she said something about it the other night I think, but the reason I quit listening is because she keeps nagging, good Lord man if I don’t get some help I may wind up going insane. What do I do?Dear Tom, whack wife with stick.Melonie in Montgomery asks;Dear Tarzan, people think I am an airhead because I am blond, and they make fun of me because I get confused and disctracted very eas… hey a squirrel, awe it is so cute it reminds me of… that’s a cool car, oh rats I forgot what I was writing about.Dear Melonie; Look out for bus.Derek in Des Moines asks;Dear Tarzan, what are some things I should know if I ever decided to move to the jungle to live like you do?Dear Derek; There are many things Derek should know, here are a few,Never make goo goo eyes at gorilla, especially boy gorilla, not good not good at all.Never use porcupine as toilet paper, not good not good at all.Never help lost explorer, him just cause trouble and get eat by cannibals anyhow.Know where Marula tree at, but if eat too much you wake up with hyena, them have bad morning breath.Never hide behind tree and try to trip rhino.Never moon warthog, warthog no have sense of humor.Never let Cheeta read email, him tell whole jungle.Never call pygmy, ghetto leprechaun, they no like that and they bite, not good not good at all.Never trust damn sneaky lion with pork skins, he eat all of them and leave bag laying around.When Zulus throw party, no smoke pipe, you  wake up with hand in empty pork skin bag.Make sure loin cloth no have fleas.That all for now, Tarzan be back soon or you email Tarzan at Lord of Jungle

DIY Car Maintenance Oil Changes

So we have all seen the signs everywhere, Oil Change and Lube only $19.99, so you drive up to this place claiming to be a ten minute oil change, and you have to get in line and wait an hour, then you find out that the 19.99 only covers an in house filter, (which most vehicles use) and 5 quarts of oil. If your vehicle uses 6 quarts like mine does you have to pay extra for that quart. Sometimes as much as 6 dollars extra for that quart. Now if you don’t like doing it yourself and dont like getting greasy then I guess this is the perfect deal for you. My problem is I have a lot of things to do, and I don’t like waiting around, and not only that I like to do things myself, (why pay somebody to do something you can do yourself and save money at?)Okay let’s get to the business of changing the oil in your car.Go to a parts store or wal-mart and get your oil and filter. If you use wal-mart they have a directory hanging on that aisle (well most of the time they do), use it to look up your model and make of vehicle, then pick the appropriate filter, get an air filter while you are there also (changing the air filter can improve your gas mileage, by up to 3 miles per gallon).Pick up the amount of oil your vehicle needs. Most four cylinder engines use 4 quarts, most 8 cylinders use 5 now, most 6 cylinders use 5 also, unless you have an older Ford with the 4.9 liter 6 or any of the older V-8 engines they use 6 and sometimes 7.All in all for my truck, oil filter, oil, air filter, and tube of grease (which lasts about a year, through regular lubing of my truck) costs almost 18.00. It would be cheaper if I used one of the off brands of oil, but I like Valvoline, or Castrol.Okay you have the oil now lets get to changing that stuff.Drive home.Park Car.See if you can locate oil plug, it is usually on the back of the oil pan.See also if you can fit under car to reach oil plug.Make sure that oil plug is facing down hill, (so that all the oil drains).Locate oil filter, different vehicles have it in different locations, just look for a place that you figure there is no earthly way you can get your hand in there to remove an oil filter and that is usually where it will be.Okay now we are ready to start,Step 1 Loosen the oil filler cap, should be on top of engine, don’t remove it yet (to keep trash from falling in).Step 2 Scratch up your arm and hand in preparation for removing oil filter. Using a wire brush usually works for me. A Bench grinder is overkill in this part.Step 3 Scream.Step 4 Reach into awkward spot and try to twist off oil filter, they are usually stuck, but this helps to add scratches to your arm.Step 5 Pull arm out and get the filter wrench, if you don’t have a filter wrench you can push a screwdriver through the side of the filter and use it for leverage to get the filter loose.Step 6 Cuss because you just stuck a screw driver through a heater hose.Step 7 Finally remove the filter.Step 8 Crawl back under the vehicle, using a drain pan or a bucket, remove the oil plug, from the oil pan, be sure to cover your hand, arm and part of your face with hot oil, (some people pay spas big money for hot oil treatments, so you save double on this step).Step 9 By the time you clean the oil from your eyes well enough to see, it should all be drained from your engine.Step 10 replace the oil plug.Step 11 Take a little bit of oil and rub it around the rubber gasket on your oil filter.Step 12 Install new oil filter. Tighten as tight as you can by hand. (Some people fill their filters with oil before installation, but if your filter mounts sideways in stead of up and down, you will pour out more oil than you save.Step 13  Remove Oil cap and pour in new oil. Like I say my truck holds six quarts, so I pour in six quarts.Step 14. Start your engine, and look under vehicle for leaks.Step 15 Shut down engine, wait a few minutes, then check your oil.Step 16 If the oil is low add some if it is overfull you may have to drain a little, if it is just right close the hood you are done.Step 17 Scream for someone to come out and open the hood because you have gotten your fingers caught.You can take the old oil to a recycling center or you can make use of it yourself.If you have a dual fuel heater system, most of those will use recycled oil.If you have a chainsaw, you can use the recycled oil for your chain oil tank.If you have a dog with mange, mix some sulphur with some of the recycled oil and rub it on your dog.If you have a friend that needs a good prank, sneak over and put some in his driveway under his car. (always good for a laugh, unless you have to clean it up).Put it in an oil can to lube hinges, and other things with.Some folks mix it with gasoline for their two stroke engines ( I do not recommend this, due to viscosity and metal particles that may be in the old oil).

DIY Tip Car Maintenance 1 Rotating Tires

Simple maintenance on your car, truck or suv can save a lot of money in repairs, and the best part is that with most maintenance you don’t have to have a mechanic.Today I am going to talk about rotating the tires on your car, this simple thing can give you more usage out of your tires, thus saving you some money.Okay lets get started.Step 1 park on a level or as close to level spot as you can.Step  2 locate the best spot for the jack, some cars have notches in the under carriage for the jack to fit. Of course if you use the old roll around floor jack like I do, then you find a good flat spot on the under carriage close to the tire you are about to change. It’s best to have two jacks to do this with or some jack stands.Step 3 jack up the car.Step 4 remember you should have set the parking brake and scotched the tires as you chase your car and the roll around floor jack down the driveway.Step 5 lower the car and pull back up to the starting spot.Step 6 scotch the tires.Step 7 jack up the car.Step 8 let the car back down so you can break the lug nuts loose.Step 9 Smack knuckles against ground while breaking lug nuts loose, very important to remember this step.Step 10 Explain to girlfriend/wife/significant other, that jumping up and down and yelling profanity is a family tradition when changing tires.Step 11 jack the darn car back up.step 12 remove the previously loosened lug nuts.Step 13 Remove the tire.Okay here is where if you have two jacks you can do this easier, but we are assuming you only have the one.Step 14 place spare in place of tire that was just removed.Step 15 install lug nuts to keep tire from falling off, you don’t have to tighten them all the way just snug them up good.Step 16 jack up other tire on the same side, and follow previous steps for removing that tire.Step 17 try to remember which tire you just took off and which tire you took off first, and then put the tire you took off first on in place of the tire you just removed.Step 18 tighten lug nuts.Step 19 lower car.Step 20 raise car back up and remove foot from under tire.Step 21 lower car and tighten the hell out of the lug nuts.Step 22 raise other tire back off the ground, (the one with the spare ) replace spare with tire you just removed.Step 23 follow above directions for the other side.Step 24 drink beer, lots of beer and try to remember if you tightened all the lug nuts.Step 25 loose wheel on highway because you were too drunk to remember step 24.I hope this tutorial helps you, tune in tomorro when we will be discussing changing oil.

Rewiring an electrical socket, from Aiiiieeee to Zaaappp!

So I decided to move the electric socket that I kept sticking my now molten toenail into.This is a step by step tutorial on how to move not only toenail attacking sockets but other ones as well.
Step one, using a flat head screw driver take the outlet cover off.
Step two, realize that turning off the power should have been step one.
Step three, quit hopping around and go turn off the breaker already.
Step four, stab self in hand with screwdriver.
Step five, more hopping, now quit crying and get back to work.
Step six, finish removing socket cover.
Step seven, unscrew socket itself from protective box.
Step eight using needle nose wire pliers, remove wires from back of socket.
Step nine, pinch blood blister on fleshy part of hand between thumb and index finger.
Step ten, more hopping.
Step eleven, explain to significant other that dust always makes your eyes water.
Step twelve, mark location to move socket box to.
Step thirteen, using hammer, whack self in hand while trying to mount box.
Step fourteen, look at the stars and little birds that are swirling around your head, after whacking self with hammer caused you to abruptly raise up.
Step fifteen, drink beer, lots of beer so you can blame everything on being drunk…IE.. I was drunk that’s why I accidentally threw the hammer through the window.
Step sixteen pass out and hope that your significant other calls an electrician before you come to and kill yourself.I hope this tutorial helped you.