Taco Bell Fart Number 471

Saturday, the day that I get to sleep a little later and make up for all the lost sleep during the week.
Saturday, the day I don’t have to do anything until after eight o’clock.
Then what the hell am I doing up at 5:15 writing on this blog?

Simple answer really. My old lady stopped at Taco Bell on her way home last night.

I knew when I couldn’t take a deep breath after eating, that it was going to be one of those kind of nights, apparently the old lady noticed that too.

Taco Bell farts numbers 1-77 weren’t too bad, they just curled nose hairs.

Taco Bell  farts numbers 78-194 were only slightly worse. You had curled nose hairs and a lingering aroma.

Taco Bell farts numbers 195 – 307 were when things started getting going, a steady run of farts that could be described as  a large pack of Black Cat firecrackers being set off in a bucket of rotten eggs.

Taco Bell farts number 308 – 459  were getting worse, we’re talking long blasts of pocket thunder from down under, fluttering covers and gagging.

Taco Bell farts number 460- 470 we are now talking sounds that could only be described as someone cranking a dirt bike in your ass, paint peeling off the walls, flies imposing a no fly zone in the bed room, a mass exodus of roaches, a smell so bad that I could actually hear my old lady’s eyes pop open.  So bad that she decided to sleep in the living room.

Which brings us to Taco Bell fart number 471. This is the big daddy fart of them all. The odor isn’t any worse than any of the previous farts, it doesn’t last as long as the 195-307 farts, no cover fluttering, no falling insects. Taco Bell  fart number 471 doesn’t do any of that. What it does however is when Taco Bell fart number 471 comes out, it makes you get up and check yourself.
Yep that’s it, its’ the super greasy fart that makes you think it might have been something more than a fart.
Talk about early morning aerobic activity, talk about making a run for the border, talk about flipping on the light and making sure you haven’t crapped in the bed.

Taco Bell fart number 471 can and does do that. 


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One Fine Day In The Oval Office

We enter the Oval Office to see Barack Obama patting himself on the back pleased about the previous days speech.

Obama – Did you see it Joe? I mean did you see it? I had those suckers eating right out of my hand.

Biden – Yes Boss, I saw it.

Obama – They were waiting for everything I could give them. Hanging on every word, I feel invincible.

Biden – Well sir before you turn into the invincible man there, you might need to know something.

Obama – What? Tell me Joe, what do I need to know?

Biden – Well those were all union folks you were talking to.

Obama – That’s right and unions love me.

Biden – Well that and the fact that we paid them to attend.

Obama – Paid them, of course they were well paid they attended and received knowledge and understanding.

Biden – Not to mention overtime pay, at three times their normal pay rate and a tuna sandwich.

Obama – Tuna sandwich?

Biden – We figured tuna was best.

Obama – Why tuna?

Biden – Cause everyone thinks there is something fishy about you.

Obama – So when I blamed the republicans and they cheered they were paid to cheer.

Biden – Yep every time.

Obama – Every time?

Biden – Every time you blamed the republicans, all three hundred ninety million four hundred seventy three thousand two hundred and forty one times that you blamed the republicans for something.

Obama – So what are you saying Joe?

Biden – They only cheered because there was something in it for them.

Obama – Well the American people still love me.

Biden – The crazy woman in Georgia doesn’t count.

Obama – Darn it.

Biden – It will be alright boss look on the bright side.

Obama – What bright side?

Biden – We still draw our salaries for the rest of our lives.

Obama – Yeah and we can do speaking tours like Bill does.

Biden – Well actually that wouldn’t work out.

Obama – Because I would be needed on a world stage?

Biden – No…

Obama – Because the UN would want my vast knowledge?

Biden – No…

Obama – Because Oprah would want me for a regular guest?

Biden – No…

Obama – Then why would speaking tours not work out for me?

Biden – Well number one people like Bill, number two your teleprompter would require too much trouble to set up and number three, even people that voted for you hope you fade into obscurity so as not to remind them of their own stupidity.

Obama – Ooooh.

Tune in next time when we hear Rick Perry of Texas say. Dammit Biden I am not the former lead singer for Journey, I will not, I repeat I will not sing Wheel In The Sky.

Freaking Yellow Jackets.

A Yellow Jacket

 If you have ever tried to do any type of work outdoors chances are you have come across yellow jackets. Not the Georgia Tech ones, but the more aggravating little wasps (although they look like bees), that like to live in the ground and fly up your pants leg stinging every freaking part of your body they come in contact with.

Now if you go searching on some liberal leaning website, they’re going to tell you that yellow jackets are beneficial insects and that you should protect them. Beneficial to masochists that like getting stung by wasps, maybe. Apparently some of these idiots have never been working in their yard and mowed the grass in close proximity to a yellow jacket nest, or have never cut firewood and stirred up a yellow jacket nest.
 
Although they are often mistaken for their cousins the Guinea Wasp which looks like a slightly longer version of the yellow jacket and build a regular hanging wasp nest.

Yellow jackets build nests that look a lot like a hornet’s except instead of in a tree or on a building theirs is usually completely underground, although there have been some cases where the nest was built in the trunk of an old abandoned car or a hollow tree.

Usually they are not noticeable until late Summer and early Fall that is when the workers are gathering most of the food and adding on to the nest.
When defending the nest yellow jackets attack in swarms. Usually causing the offending animal or human to immediately leave the vicinity, or in some human cases, causing you to run blindly into trees or trip over logs injuring yourself further.
So how do you locate these pesky little suckers you might ask.
Go ahead ask.
Okay glad you asked, their are two really simple ways to locate their nests.
One is you simply look around a wooded area for them and when you locate several you watch them, they will eventually go back into the hole they came out of allowing you to see where they go in and out of the ground.
The other is just stomp around in the woods until they swarm your ass and then try to remember where you were when they attacked. I do not recommend this way.

As far as wasp and bees go the yellow jacket sting is not the worst, in my experience red wasp and hornets have that covered.
Yellow jacket stings are usually slightly painful, followed by itching (that’s the worst part of it), however if you are allergic to bee or wasp stings they could be fatal as like I said before they swarm and you usually get stung multiple times.

Getting rid of them however is pretty simple also.
Once you locate the nest, you simply use something like a  pyrethrum aerosol to kill them, the best way is to mark the location and spray the aerosol into the nest at night that way they are all inside.
Some people pour gasoline in the nest which does kill them but runs the risk of fire or explosion if any source of fire is around before the vapors evaporate.
Sometimes you may have to treat the nest more than once to kill them all. 
 

 

One Fine Day In The Oval Office

We enter the Oval Office to hear Barack Obama discussing his re-election plans with Joe Biden and a select few of his supporters.

Obama – This whole re-election thing is really stressing me out. Why can’t congress just appoint me president for life.

Biden – I don’t think that will go over to well, your holiness.

Obama – Why what do you mean.

Biden – Well if you noticed most of your supporters have been voted out of office and the remaining ones are laying low so that they don’t get kicked out of office either.

Obama – Well call up Hollywood and get some stars behind me. Where is Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher at these days?

Biden – Have you seen their box office receipts lately boss?

Obama – No.

Biden – Neither has anyone else.

Obama – What about George Clooney?

Biden – His last two movies tanked also boss.

Obama – What about Oprah?

Biden – Remember the fight she and Michelle had?

Obama – That wasn’t pretty at all.

Biden – Like two pit bulls fighting over a ham-hock.

Obama – JOE! One of those is the most powerful lady in the world and the other is my wife that you are talking about.

Biden – Actually I believe most of America is hoping for a change this coming election, chieferooni.

Obama – Why do you say that?

Biden – Because they are blaming you for the latest recession problems.

Obama – You mean the second coming of Bush’s financial mess?

Biden – Well all of the wall street blue chipper stock traders are claiming you are like the bad guy at the party.

Obama – What the hell is that supposed to mean?

Biden – They say you double dipped their chips.

Obama – Horrible pun number one.

Biden – It wasn’t me it was the narrator.

Obama – Gee whiz. Okay well can I use Airforce 1 to campaign in?

Biden – I guess you can, but remember there is only 50 states.

Obama – Not 57?

Biden – No.

Obama – What if we make up some extra states?

Biden – You did that already, it probably won’t work again. The American people are better informed now since your last campaign.

Obama – Damn that Google.

Biden – Yeah. Damn Google, damn him to hell. Who is Google anyhow?

Obama – Some dude that made up a bunch of crap on the internet.

Biden – Maybe we can get his support.

Obama – I doubt it, he is always talking bad about me.

Biden – Maybe we should censor him.

Obama – Ed Begley Jr.?

Biden – Where?

Obama – No I meant what do you think about him?

Barney Frank – I think he’s a dream. If you go for those roguish Hollywood types.

Biden – I thought he always played a lot of nerdy characters?

Barney Frank – Yes, but he is tall and blonde and wears glasses and reminds me of Alexander Skarsgard.

Obama – What the hell? He looks nothing like Alexander Skarsgard.

Barney – Hmmph, after a few mai-tais every one looks like Alexander Skarsgard to me.

Obama – Okay this isn’t going down the path I wanted.

Barney Frank – I’ll go down any path as long as Alexander Skarsgard is there.

Biden – Hey Barney I just saw Alexander Skarsgard and Ashton Kutcher walking down the sidewalk.

Obama – Where did that draft come from? Where did Barney go?

Biden – We have to think of a new campaign slogan to improve your image.

Obama – Well we had Hope and Change last time.

Biden – Yeah and I’m afraid there will be a change this time although I hope not.

Obama – How about To err is human, to forgive is divine.

Biden – No good because the Pope is not too popular these days.

Obama – That was Alexander Pope, not the pope.

Biden – How about A fool and his money are soon parted?

Obama – No most of the fools have already been separated from their money.  How about It is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all.

Nancy Pelosi – How about this? (She hands Obama a piece of paper with some words scribbled on it).

Obama – I like it.

Biden – That is great.

Obama – Great let’s work it up into a campaign ad.

Tune in next time when we hear;

Biden – Bosserooni the new ad is running now. 

Official sounding person on the television – Did you know that it costs over one billion dollars for the paperwork, staff changes, ceremonies and other stuff that  is involved in electing a new president.
Re-elect Barack Obama, because we can re-use the stationary.

Obama – I love it. 

 

Vacation Bible School

When I was a kid, my mom would take a vacation every year and send the three youngest of us to Vacation Bible School. This usually occurred sometime before we would grow our mustaches and go to Summer camp.

Vacation Bible School was where you went to some church, usually one we had never heard of before, of course as an eight year old, there were many churches we had never heard of before.

What would happen is Mom would make her monthly trip into town to buy groceries and would see this sign that would say something like “The First Baptist Church of Skunk Holler Invites You To Send Your Children To Our Vacation Bible School” .  Which to mom translated to this “Send Those Heathens Here For A week.”

So ready or not, willing or not, we went to vacation bible school.

The first one I remember, was at the Buzzard Puke Baptist Church, way off out in the woods, where we met our teacher Mrs. Doorknocker and she taught us how to make an ashtray out of clay (yes we really made ashtrays in vacation bible school), how God had a plan for all of us, how to make a fire using flint and steel, and how certain words were inappropriate to use in public and some were just inappropriate.
We also learned that Mrs. Doorknocker was afraid of snakes, and would have episodes of using inappropriate language when she would find a garter snake in her craft box.
We also learned that only godless heathens put garter snakes in craft boxes at vacation bible school.
That’s what Mrs. Doorknocker called us when she pushed us off the church bus at our driveway after the first day.
We were never allowed back into that VBS.
(I really tried to stop my little sister from putting that snake in that craft box.)

The following  day we went to the Skunk Holler Pentecostal Assembly’s Vacation Bible School.

Where we learned that although God loves us, he hates everything about us.
Long hair was evil. Smoking was evil. Chewing tobacco was evil. Rock and Roll music, in fact all kinds of music was evil.
Women that wore makeup were whores. Women that wore pants were going straight to hell.
Cussing was evil. Chewing gum was evil.
By the time (thirty seven minutes after we had first got there), we had been kicked out of that VBS we learned that God hates godless heathens and that we were all going straight to hell.

The next church Mom sent us to was the No English Allowed Amish Assembly. Where we met Father Abraham Applebuzz.
 

There we learned that milking cows, churning butter and shoeing horses, was good for ones soul.
We learned how to make pipes out of clay, how to make buttons out of wood, how to make candles with beeswax.
We also learned that girls should wear bonnets and boys should wear hats. We learned how heavy black clothes were in the Summertime. Of course we did get to wear those cool looking hats. BTW Cowboys and Indians is frowned upon in the Amish Church.
We learned that Electricity, power tools, television, radio, cars, metal or plastic buttons and talking to outsiders were all evil.
We also learned that Father Abraham did not like it when you changed the z’s in his last name to t’s.
(I really did tell my little sister to quit calling him that.)
That one lasted almost two whole hours before Father Abraham hitched up the mule and wagon and carried us to the end of the road and sent us home.

Our next Vacation Bible School occurred two towns over at the Mount Magoo School of Zen.

I really don’t think they actually had a vacation bible school, I think Mom just found a place where the doors wasn’t locked and booted us out of the car.
There we learned about, shaving our heads,  not eating meat, not killing bugs, and how to sit around in our pajamas and chant all day.
The Monks were pretty cool unless you poured horse lineament on their seats. It seems that pajamas do not protect your butt from horse lineament.
Of course when we tried sitting in our pajamas and chanting all day at home, we learned that pajamas do not protect the butt from mom’s wooden spoon.

The last church we went to before mom gave up on us going to Vacation Bible School was the Enlightened Evolutionary Church of Enlightened Evolution. The funny thing is we were removed from this one by our parents, instead of being kicked out like we usually were.
It was taught by Sister Apricot Moonchild.


We learned that our parents were wrong about everything,  we learned that we were supposed to love everyone, we learned which mushrooms to make tea with and which ones to avoid, we learned how to keep the weeds that we wanted in our garden and how to get rid of the ones we didn’t want.
We also learned that those beaded necklaces we made could be used as weapons when in the right hands. (My little sister was deadly with those things.)
Of course it all ended when we came home and our parents asked “What did you learn today?” and my little sister showed them the dance moves that Sister Apricot showed the girls in her “How to Keep Your Man class”
Of course when it was found out that Sister Apricot worked at Greasy Gert’s Discount Lap Dance and Potted Meat Emporium, my dad said. “I think I will go down there and give here a piece of my mind.”
He must of really bore a grudge against her as he would go down there  to give here a piece of his mind at least five nights a week.

After two straight weeks of Mom getting church doors slammed in her face or hearing them being locked as she dragged us up the steps, she finally gave up and we never attended Vacation Bible School again.
 

The Frog Prince A Redneck Bed Time Story

Once upon a time there was a bored girl.  “I’m bored.” she said.

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“What is there to do today?”
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“I have it! A great idea.” She said giggling psychotically.
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“I think I will go for a swim down at the creek.” She laughed.
So she walked down to the creek. Still giggling uncontrollably.
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When she got to the creek she splashed around on the edge of it for a while,

“This water feels so good.” She said to herself as she leaped like a maniac into the creek.
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Just as she hit the water
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A frog came drifting by.

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“Yo! What up?” Said the frog.
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“Holy shit a talking frog.” Said the girl.
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“What you never heard a frog talk before?” The frog asked.
“Well, hell no. I live in the real world and frogs don’t talk. I knew I shouldn’t have had that hemp brownie today.” The girl said.
“Well, I’m a magical frog. The frog said.

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“A magical frog?” asked the girl.

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“Damn. Are you going to let me tell my story or keep asking me questions.” The frog stated.
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“Oh I’m sorry tell your story Mr. Frog. ” The girl replied.
“Well I was once a handsome prince and was turned into a frog by an evil witch.” The frog said.

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“An evil witch?” The girl asked.

witch2
“No an evil witch.” The frog said.

witch1

“Now, you gonna let me tell this story or what?”
“Sorry.” The girl said.
“Aight. This here evil witch turned me into a frog and said that the only way to get out of being a frog was to get a kiss from a beautiful girl.” The frog said.
“So you want me to kiss you?” The girl asked.

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“No. I want you to find a beautiful girl to kiss me. OF COURSE I WANT YOU TO KISS ME.” The frog shouted
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So the girl picked up the frog, puckered her lips and planted one right on the frogs smiling face.
“Ugh bug breath.” She said as she put the frog down.
Then magically the frog began to transform.
“Oh goody goody.” She said, watching the frog grow and change shape.

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Sure enough the frog grew and grew, until it was the size of a man and it began taking on facial features.
Then suddenly it was a man.

ugly redneck

The moral of this story. Don’t eat hemp brownies and don’t believe a lying ass frog.

Little Redneck Riding Hood A Redneck Bedtime Story

Once upon a time, there was a little girl, whose name was Little Redneck Riding Hood.

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She was well-known around town, because not only did she walk around in a Red Hood thingy, she also danced at Greasy Gert’s Discount Lap Dance and Potted Meat Emporium.
Well the old lady’s in town called her bad names like floozy and home wrecker and harlot (which I’m not quite sure what that means, I always thought it was a fishing lure). The old men in town called her bad names too, unless their wives was not around then they just stared and drooled.

JP (12)This particular day Little Redneck Riding Hood was on her way to her granny’s house to take her a basket of  Pabst Blue Ribbon and a bag of BBQ Porkskins.
She was happily walking down the trail through the woods to her granny’s house, stopping only, occasionally,to strike a pose like this.

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When suddenly out of the bushes leapt the big bad wolf.

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Yeah, I could have put a wolf picture up there but who would you rather see? I mean really?
Well the big bad wolf looked at Little Redneck Riding Hood and said. “DA-YAM!” Girl you looking fi-i-i-ne.
To which Little Redneck Riding Hood, smiled and said “You aint looking to bad yourself there, Mr. Mangy.”
Well the big bad wolf leaned in a little close and Little Redneck Riding Hood kicked him dead square in the bahogeys.
While the wolf was gasping for air and squealing like a pig (whoa Deliverance flashback, ugh) Little Redneck Riding Hood ran down the trail to her Granny’s house.

JP (8)Yeah I could have put a wolf picture here, but come on, you know you want to see more of Little Redneck Riding Hood.
So anyway, the big bad wolf finally got his nuts out of his throat and ran, knowing he wouldn’t catch up to Little Redneck Riding Hood on the trail, he took a short cut through the woods.

The big bad wolf arrived at granny’s house ahead of Little Redneck Riding Hood and knocked upon her door.
“Who is it?” Granny shouted.
“Uh, census taker.” The big bad wolf replied.
“Screw you commie.” Granny said.
The big bad wolf knocked again.
“Who is it?” Granny asked.
“Uh UPS, I have a package for you ma’am.”
“Package my ass, I aint ordered nothing.” said Granny.
The wolf waited a minute then he knocked again.
“Who the hell is it now?” Granny asked.
“Budweiser, Ma’am you have won a lifetime supply of beer from us.” The big bad wolf said.
“Be right there.” Granny replied.
Then a horrific flash of light followed by the thunder of a double barrel shotgun knocked the big bad wolf off the porch and almost to the feet of Little Redneck Riding Hood as she walked up the trail.

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“How did you know it was me?” The big bad wolf moaned.
“Cause you dumb sombitch you was knocking on my screen door.” Granny said.
Then Granny whipped out her blade and cut the big bad wolf’s throat, cause that’s what redneck women do.
Little Redneck Riding Hood helped finish skinning the wolf and Granny said to her “Deer this hide will make you some clothes so that you don’t have to walk around in the altogether like that any more.”
“But Granny.” Little Redneck Riding Hood replied.” If I was wearing more clothes this story would really suck.”
And they drank the beer and lived happily ever after

JP (14) or at least til Little Redneck Riding Hood passed out and Granny had to make a beer run and got her ass busted for a dui.
The moral of this story is, if you drink don’t drive, or don’t mess with redneck women cause they will shoot your ass or cut you, or hell maybe the moral is both.
Hell I don’t know.

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The Bass Sniper V

I went for about a month without hearing from Wilfred until he called me again at home one Saturday night.

“Hey guess what.”

“What?”

“The Bass Sniper V is ready to go and I think this one will work.  It has a custom seat a custom paint scheme, as well as rod and reel holder, a large capacity cooler, and storage facilities for at least twenty cans of Vienna Sausage, the staple of the American fisherman”

 

Now any idiot would have just said no but me not being just any idiot, I said, “I’ll be there in the morning.”

The following morning I awoke went out cranked my truck and started over to Wilfred’s house when I realized in my haste I had forgotten to get dressed.  When I finally got to Wilfreds, he was waiting at the driveway.

“Come around here, it’s around back, where’s your clothes.” Okay so I didn’t realize that I was in my pajamas until I got to Wilfred’s. Upon walking around the house, I saw an old camouflage canoe that had been cut in half and had the ends sealed up. An old lawn mower seat was strapped to the original bench seat with bungee cords and duct tape. The seat was moved toward the back end of the boat, to allow for leg room and the cooler which turned out to be an old five gallon bucket lined with spray foam insulation. A leather shoelace was tied on either side of the seat, to formulate the rod and reel holders

Emblazoned on the side in bright orange Day-Glo letters were the words Bass Sniper V.

“This one is going to work I guarantee it.” He said with his traditional, I hope we live through this adventure, smile.

After going back home and getting dressed, I met with Wilfred and we carried the boats out to the Grasshopper hole and eased them into the water, they floated and didn’t leak, and I had to say I was very impressed. Unfortunately due to the high cost of canoes to cut in half there will always be a limited supply, of Bass Sniper Vs, two to be exact. We’ve fished about three years out of those so I guess they will work until that custom bass boat comes along, now if I could just get a custom truck to go with it, I don’t know maybe something with brakes.


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The Bass Sniper IV

The Bass Sniper IV was the next one, actually it was nothing more than an old bathtub with some spray foam sealant used to plug the hole and an old lawn mower seat mounted in the center.

“You know what I think is wrong. We have been testing our boats in mud pond we need to test them in a real lake somewhere like the lily pad pond, yep that’s the place to test a boat.”

“Lily pad pond man that place has turtles the size of cars not to mention alligators, I aint testing no boat in no lily pad pond.” I said.

“Don’t tell me you’re afraid of a danged old alligator. Heck they couldn’t be any real big ones in there or we would know about it. Besides all you have to do is help me get it over to the lake I’ll test it my self.”

 

We loaded the bathtub I mean the Bass Sniper IV onto the boat trailer, which also doubled for his kids western flyer wagon, and set out across the field to the lily pad pond.

“Hey why don’t we try it out in the grasshopper hole it’s a lot closer than the lily pad pond?” I asked

“Because we’ve already sunk one in the grasshopper hole and that’s bad luck and on this we need good luck.” He replied.

As we walked by the Grasshopper hole I looked to see if I could see any signs of the old Bass Sniper 1.

Seeing me looking Wilfred said. “There it is right next to your old fishing truck with the broken bumper.”

Sure enough I could see it sitting there like a monument to my old fishing truck.

“Actually it wasn’t the bumper that broke it was the bolts that held the bumper on.”

“Doesn’t matter, it still wound up in the same place.” He said.

As we passed on by it I kinda felt nostalgic over the old fishing trucks I used to have. They gave their bodies and engines for just a little bit of junk yard redemption, of course they sure didn’t give a brake, or else they wouldn’t have wound up in various lakes streams rivers ponds creeks and swimming pools, ditches mailboxes, pine trees, and henhouses.

Finally we reached the lily pad pond and shoved the tub out into the water.

“Hey it floats, it actually floats.” Wilfred said with just a little bit too much surprise in his voice for me to feel comfortable.

He reached into a pack that he had been carrying and pulled out a small video camera, “Were going to record this moment for posterity.”

“Okay.” I said reaching for the camera.

“Well I guess mom wouldn’t mind if you did the filming of course she said who ever broke it was going to get killed.”

“I guess you should film of course its going to be kind of hard to do while you paddle around out there.”

“Yeah you’re right. Hey I know why don’t you take the boat out and I’ll stand here on the bank, and film everything.”

Of course I knew better but I decided what the heck it wouldn’t be the first time, so we eased the boat into the water and I climbed in and began paddling around.  After a few minutes of this I figured it would be a good idea to go out a little bit further, and try out the maneuverability of the tub.

 

One thing every one should know about the lily pad pond is besides the turtles bigger than cars and the alligators there are also a lot of stick ups (just what the name implies, tree tops and sticks that stick up out of the water.).  One thing I didn’t take into consideration was that if I got into the right position on top of one of those stickups and shifted my weight just a little, the consequences could be bad.

As my luck usually goes, I was just in one of those positions when I saw the alligator swimming toward me turning I shifted and it was enough to push the end of the boat with the drain hole right down onto a stickup. The laws of gravity and physics being what they are, the boat began filling up with water to top that it had slid down onto the stick about two and a half feet leaving me stuck out there with an alligator.

 

“Help!”  I screamed hoping the high pitch that I used would frighten away the gator, but no such luck.

“I know I’ll run home and get my shotgun.” Wilfred yelled to me.

“No!” I screeched back not wanting to relive any of the old incidents.

I knew that the water was only about five feet deep so I leapt out of the boat and made a mad dash for the bank.  Now I’m not the fastest swimmer in the world but when that alligator bit my shoe, I could have made Johnny Weismuller look like he was swimming in molasses.  The fact of the matter is I didn’t stop swimming until I had reached the bank and went halfway up and old willow tree. After my nerves had calmed down a bit I fell out of the tree, (which was pretty easy to do what with gravity and all) and walked over to Wilfred, who was looking out at the dead alligator floating belly up in the water or maybe he was looking at the boat behind it sticking to a tree in the middle of the lake.

“What happened to the gator?” I asked.

“Don’t know it got a hold of your shoe then turned belly up. By the way how did you emit that black cloud into the water like that? I only thought squids and octopuses could do that.”

“Well so much for the Bass Sniper IV.” I said to quickly change the subject.


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