Dangerous Food

It was during the last meeting of the ARBHAA  when the sad news of Stan’s near death experience caused by his eating of the wrong foods was first reported to us.
It seems Stan was at Big Joe’s Gulp-N-Go over in Mosquito Junction the other night and was eating a Big Bacon, Pork Rind, Barbecue Rib Sandwich and drinking large amounts of alcohol, when he reached over and grabbed a french fry off the plate of Sister Mary Catherine Pettibone, who attacked Stan and nearly choked him to death.
After hearing of this, we began discussing other foods that can lead to health problems.

Such stuff as a steady diet of potted meat which should be called creamed cholesterol because it clogs up everything.

Chili which could also be called windbreaker stew, especially if it is made with venison, it can not only blow up a bathroom but it can also clear out a moving vehicle.

Pork Rinds which always lead to accidents since it is a requirement in all southern states that if you eat Pork Rinds or Pork Skins of any type you must drink beer with them.

Of course the real shocker in all this was pickles. 

It seems the statistics are pretty bad for you if you eat pickles.

Seems that 98.6% of everyone born in 1880 ate pickles and they are all dead.
94.7% of all soldiers ate pickles which shows that pickles lead to wars.
99% of all people involved in car accidents ate pickles, proving that pickles impair your driving ability.
99.2% of all people arrested for dui have eaten pickles, proving that pickles lead to alcohol consumption.
100% of all people that born in 1900 that ate pickles are either dead or very near death.
92.9%  of  militant islamist ate pickle,s proving that pickles lead to terrorism.
99.6% of politicians eat pickles, proving pickles lead to corruption and stupidity. 
91.7% of visually impaired people ate pickles, proving pickles can blind you.

If you notice, pickles were very popular in ancient Greece and if you look around you will see there are no ancient Greeks alive today.

Pickles were a popular food source for the builders of the Egyptian pyramids and where are those guys today? All dead that’s where.

Pickles were served on the Titanic. 

Adolph Hitler ate pickles proving that pickles lead to evil and atrocities.

George Washington ate pickles and not only did he have wooden teeth, but he died also.

John Wilkes Booth and Lee Harvey Oswald both ate pickles. Not only did they assassinate presidents but they are both dead.

If you eat pickles you must stop at once. 

SAVE YOURSELF!

DO IT FOR THE CHILDREN!

Pickles must be banned.

 

 

 

 

Sleeping with Guinea Wasps

When I was a kid my uncle used to keep all of his old dead vehicles over at my grandfather’s farm until my grandfather would make him remove them somehow or another.
The barnyard would at times look more like a junkyard with old cars and trucks lined up in various states of disrepair.
My sneaky, mean, evil brother and I would go out to these old cars and trucks and pretend that we were driving them.
This particular day we were playing and my sneaky, mean, evil brother called me over to an old pickup truck.
“Hey Gary!” He shouted “Come here and look at this wasp nest.”
Knowing that he was up to something, but being stupid anyway, I walked over to the side of the truck opposite of him and looked into the truck.

“I don’t see a wasp nest.” I said.
“Stick your head in the window and look to your right.” He told me.
Sure enough when I poked my head in the window and looked to the right, just inches from my face  was a guinea wasp nest the size of a soccer ball.
It was at this moment that my sneaky, mean, evil brother kicked the door of the truck as hard as he could.

Now if you have never met a guinea wasp before they are something to behold. As far as wasps go they are not the biggest, but I think they are the worst.
Guinea wasps live in a state of constant anger, they hate the world and everybody in it. It’s like they look for something to be upset over and then something else to take it out on.
Now they could have flew out the opposite window and stung my brother, but no, they chose to sting the ever loving blue eyed hell out of me.
My face, head, ears, neck, shoulders, and hands were covered in wasp stings. My eyes swelled shut to the point that I could not see.
So in using his powers of infinite meanness, my brother decided to guide me home.
Not by leading me by my hand or by my arm or anything, (he knew better than to get within arms reach of me).
No that would not have had the desired effect.
Instead he would walk over to the other side of a mud hole and say “I’m over here.”
Which would cause me to walk that way trying to get a hold of his throat only to fall face first into the mud. BTW mud holes do sooth wasp stings somewhat.
Then he would stand next to the neighbors electric fence and say. “Come get me, monkey head.”
At which time I would walk into the electric fence.  BTW electric fences do not sooth wasp stings.
After leading me through the creek, our electric fence, the neighbors electric fence again, the cow pasture getting me chased by a bull, walking into the side of the tractor shed, through the manure pile, over a bunch of chestnut burs, through the blackberry patch and almost into the well, he finally got me home.
When we walked up onto the porch, my mom looked up from her reading and said “What have you boys be…. Gaaacckk! What the hell have you been doing? I ought to beat you for ruining your clothes like that.”
Yeah it would have been nice if she had helped pull the stingers out of my face, or the briers and chestnut burrs out of my hide, but she was concerned because I had mud and cow crap on my shoes.
The swelling in my face eventually went down (after almost a week) during which time I endured being called names such as Frankenstein, Hunchback, Troll, Stupid Kid and Stinky.

Of course my sneaky, mean evil brothers actions could not go unpunished, I would have to do something about this situation.
My first step was to remove the seat cover from his bike and push carpet tacks into the foam so that the points were facing up, then replace the seat cover.
My second step was to poke a couple of long chestnut burr spikes through the toe section of his tennis shoes.
My third step was to place a layer of pig crap inside the toe of his boots.
My next act was to wait until dark when all the wasps would be on the nest, then using a beekeepers veil, gloves, jacket and tape to make sure there was no where that the wasps could get in, I placed a garbage bag over the nest and broke it away from the inside of the truck. I then closed the bag as tightly as I could and carried it to the house. Shaking it the whole way.
Arriving at the house I did a little reconnaissance  mission to see where he was. Finding out that he was in the bath tub I then sneaked into his room with the wasps and taped the bag after giving it a few more shakes of course, under his bed fixing it so that the force of him plopping onto his pillow would open the bag. 
I then went back to my room, locked the door and waited and listened. 
I was half way through reading a Sad Sack comic book when I heard the sound of my brother slamming his bedroom door.
I couldn’t help but laugh when I heard his bloodcurdling screams as the angry little wasps attacked him.
It would take two days for him to be able to see and thanks to a couple of them flying into his mouth and stinging his tongue it would be about a week before we could understand what he was saying.
Of course when dad found out what I had done, it would be about two weeks before I could sit down again.
It was worth it, thanks to all the whippings and bee stings I got as a kid, I now have a much higher tolerance to pain and an immunity to bee stings.
My sneaky, mean, evil brother is allergic to them. 

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Twas The Night Before Christmas

I read this in an issue of Cracked Magazine back in the 70’s and thought it would be good for this time of year.
I am rewriting it from memory so it may or may not be correct.

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Twas the night before Christmas and all through the rooms,

Not a creature was stirring, we were all out of spoons,

The children were hung by the chimney with care,

In hopes that Saint Nicholas soon would be there,

The baby was nestled all snug in her bed,

While termites and spiders crawled over her head,

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I wore pajamas and my old lady a gown,

As we both crawled in bed about to get down,

When out on the lawn I heard such a clatter,

I leaped from the loft and fell down the ladder,

Then away to the window I ran like the flash,

Tore apart the shutter and threw up on the sash,

As I stuck out my neck and looked to my shed,

Down came the window on top of my head,

When what to my watering eyes should I see,

But a man on a sleigh running into a tree,

The plump little driver so clumsy and slow,

Yelled at his reindeer “Dammit I need a tow!”

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More faster than turtles his reindeer they came,

As he screamed and he cursed and called them bad names,

“On Dasher, on Dancer, on Prancer and Vixen,

On Comet, on Cupid, on Agnew and Nixon,

To the top of the porch, to the top of the wall,

Now dash away, smash away, crash away all,

The prancing and pawing of each tiny hoof,

Could be heard over his screams as he fell off the roof,

As I lowered the window and was turning around,

Head first came Saint Nick as he crashed to the ground,

He was covered in ashes from his hat to his shoes,

And coughing and wheezing and smelling of booze,

Though his bag was filled with brand new toys,

He took even more and made not a noise,

In his hand was a hatchet I thought was for me,

But before I could stop him, he chopped down our tree,

Then laying his finger aside of his nose,

A bright yellow mucous from his nostrils he blows,

Then away to the door, he screamed as he sped,

“DAMN THE TORPEDOES! FULL SPEED AHEAD!”

 

Thanksgiving is Over, Christmas is Coming

So I was sitting here reading about all the crap that occurred on Black Friday, and it makes you wonder what the hell has happened to people.
Robbing folks outside stores. Pepper spraying folks inside stores. Stabbing folks over parking spaces. Standing in line waiting for a store to open, then acting like a bunch of idiots, trampling people.

For what?

For some useless piece of junk that you think is going to make you feel better about yourself?

For 10% off a useless piece of junk? 

Does it make you feel good knowing that you stood in line like a fool and bought something that you don’t need and really didn’t want?

Granted there are some things that you have to buy, certain clothes, groceries, stuff like that, but for the most part anything else is just garbage.

Every year we hear of this, Black Friday deals and then Black Friday problems, crimes, murders, and other crap associated with it.

Nothing like Christmas to bring out the worst in people. You would think it’s the one time when we set a side a day to celebrate the birth of Jesus Christ, that people would try to use the values that Christ taught. You know, love thy neighbor,  help each other, be kind, that sort of stuff. 
But no, people want to live the MTV Cribs lifestyles (not that you can from shopping at Wal-Mart). The more they get the more they want and what is worse, no one wants to earn it anymore, they expect people to give them everything and if they don’t get it then they want to scream out about how oppressed they are.

The problem is people have put a price tag on everything, including their family and friends. 

Truth be told if you’re going to do any shopping for Christmas the best way to do it is over the internet, you can search around and find good deals, and get the items delivered right to your home. No lines, no traffic, no pepper spray (unless you order it), none of the crap that is associated with standing in line, hunting a parking space, being trampled or robbed or assaulted after your done shopping.

 Here are some shops that I use frequently that you can check out.

 

This year instead of buying a bunch of junk, that no one will ever use and that no one really wants, I intend to build some things.
Of course if you have no talent then I guess you need to buy stuff for the folks in your life, but luckily for me, my family values family above price tags. 
See we are actually just as happy if no one buys anything. Granted the small children might not be, but the adults in my family still remember the spirit of Christmas. 

By the way, if you value some store bought trinket over your family, then maybe you should re-evaluate your life.

Teach the corporations and the government a lesson this year, make those gifts yourself. 
You can do it. 
Think about it if everyone started doing that, prices on junk would fall, people would quit wasting so much money on gas that we would be putting the big corporations and gas companies at our mercies instead of the other way around.

If you really want to give away money then do it for something decent like St Jude’s or cancer research, make a donation in someones name to help others.

With time being what it is I probably won’t be back on here for a while so if not to everyone that read this have a wonderful and Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year. 

The First Thanksgiving

So once again Thanksgiving has arrived, for most it means a day off from work, a chance to eat like a pig, watch televisions, sleep and gear up for shopping on black friday.

For some it’s a time of deep thought and reflection back over their lives and how things have changed.

For others it’s a time for a the hell with it lets get to the freaking story.

Here is how the first Thanksgiving happened;

A while back they was this here Christopher Columbus fellow who was looking for some spices
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So he hopped onto a shipnina pic
 
and set sail for India, because India was well known at the time for having the best spices.

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So leaving out on his trip to India, Columbus promptly got lost.
He sailed the wrong way and came up in South America, where he was greeted by the indigenous people.
Since the people of South America had basically the same skin tone and since he was belligerently stupid and spoke neither language, he thought he was in India.

1_640x428Of course he wasn’t, but his gigantic ego made him think he was. After going back and  getting poked fun of by the queen of Spain he thought up a new plan and told her that he meant to take that wrong turn at Albuquerque and that he had claimed the new lands he found in the name of Spain (kinda arrogant don’t you think) with no concern about the native population thus began about a hundred years of Spanish exploration and colonizing of South and Central America.

Fast forward about another hundred years over in England folks was getting tired of being told how they could or could not worship so they loaded their unhappy asses on some ships and set sail for the new world they had been told of.

Calling themselves pilgrims they headed on over.

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Where they were met by the indigenous people now referred to as Indians.

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The women folk weren’t too happy about it

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but the men were very thankful.
 

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Thus the first Thanksgiving, although those of us with ancestors that were already here, well we pretty much got screwed, but at least we got football out of the deal.

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Halloween

My favorite holiday has to be Halloween, it’s the one time of the year when I can be myself and not have to wear the costume of being normal.
My family has always gotten into the Halloween spirit of pranking others.
One year my brothers, sisters and I decided to go and roll some of the neighbors yards with toilet paper, but that become dangerous when our neighbor was trying to wipe his ass and fell out of the tree.

Our next trick was the old flaming bag of dog crap, but we forgot that our neighbor wasn’t at home and it wound up burning down his house. We would have put it out but we really didn’t want to get shit on our shoes.

We sabotaged our uncles outhouse so that when he opened the door the seat would raise up (his outhouse had regular toilet seats in it), unfortunately his wife, who was a tiny woman, was sitting on the seat when our uncle opened the door and slammed her into the wall causing her to fall into the hole.

We decided that we would make a dummy and sit it up on the front porch of the old widow woman down the road, but she had lost her glasses and thought the dummy was her dearly departed Raymond coming back from the grave.
For months afterward you would see her and the dummy sitting on the porch, with her asking it when was it going to fix the damn steps.

One time Granpappy got all likkered up and ran up and down the road in just his long handle underwear with the trap door open, which was funny until my oldest brother launched that bottle rocket. I’m not going to say where it went, but Granpappy farted smoke for a while.

We decided to bait in some crows at the preachers house by putting cracked corn on the roof, but that slightly went awry as the poor old preacher was still shoveling goose shit off his door steps after Thanksgiving.

Another of our pranks was to make a dummy and hang it in a tree on the side of the road. Hearing gun shots we went out to see what was going on. The deputy sheriff that was responsible for the shooting said “I figured if the som bitch did something to deserve being hung for he ought to get a bullet in his ass too.”

Another time we stole the tires off a parked sheriff’s car only to find out the sheriff had stole the tires off our truck when we got back to it.

Of course we weren’t the only ones that did things on Halloween, Old Man Wilkens would give the kids that came up trick or treating a potato every year.

Sister Apricot Moonchild always gave out her “special” homemade brownies, which were always pretty good but you would forget where you left your candy.

sister apricot moonchild

Of course now days things are dangerous and you have to be really careful about what you get (or should I say what your kids get) for Halloween.
So always inspect the candy they get and be careful out there.

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ALERT!!!! PRESIDENTIAL TELEPROMPTER STOLEN!!!!!

Today a truck carrying the official teleprompter of Barack Obama was stolen.

“I’m speechless.” said Mr. Obama. “I mean really, uh, I am uh abso, uh lutely, speechless.

When asked about it Attorney General Eric Holder had this to say; “We feel that it was possibly the work of the Iranians or Afghans or Pakistanis or Alabamians or Tea Partiers, or Republicans or some Democrats or some crazy lady from Georgia.
Currently we have every agent in the field looking for the stolen teleprompter.”

Hillary Clinton is quoted as saying “BWAHAHAHA!”

None of the known terrorist groups worldwide have yet to step forward and claim responsibility. 

Get To The Freaking Point

Ladies have you ever wondered why your man doesn’t listen to you?
Have you ever wondered why we tune you out?
It’s really simple actually, it’s because you never get to the freaking point.
For example here is a recent conversation with my girlfriend. (Yes she had to repeat it four times because I kept tuning her out).

Cindy – I was going down the road and the car started making this funny noise just as I was passing the barbecue place on highway such and such, you know the one where the barbecue is pretty good but the waitress had that big knot on the side of her nose with the hair and it was funny because the knot hair was red and her hair was gray, but the barbecue is so expensive and the car starts making this noise and driving funny and people are passing me and pointing and I had to stop putting on my makeup and the car was trying to run off the road and I was struggling with it and it was right at that place where the radio station cuts in and out, so I pulled over at the Chevron and finished putting on my makeup and got out of the car to see if maybe I had ran over a possum and it was stuck in the tire but my tire was flat and I don’t know why it was flat but some guy stopped and said he knew you, he was a tall guy with reddish blond hair that had a tattoo on his arm that went up into his sleeve, you know that guy you know that does the bow hunting and all that stuff, he drives the little red truck, he was on his way to work but stops at that Chevron on his way in, I think he works at such and such place, but anyway he helped me change the tire and said it looked like it had a nail in it, where would I get a nail in a tire but anyhow I got it fixed and was a little late for work.

Now it took her all that amount of time to say basically – “I ran over a nail somewhere and had a flat, Jason stopped to help me fix it.

Here is another example, My mom who I love very much, will try to tell me something and it usually goes something like this; Mom –  Let me tell you what Hunter did today (Hunter being my son) He was in Anita’s room watching television I think it was iCarly or Victorious or SpongeBob or some other show like that that him and Anita watch, you know when I was a kid we had to watch rocks or stare at the wall, if we wanted to see a moving picture we just looked out the window or went outside and played, Uncle Ezraham was the first one in our family to get a television, there wasn’t but one station back then it came on the air out of Birmingham and it only had three shows on it, the news, more news and that cooking show, the one with that chef that talked funny and was always making stuff out of taters, he could make some of the strangest looking tater dishes I have ever seen or heard of. It wasn’t until I got up in high school that televisions started getting popular what with them getting two more tv channels up there in Birmingham and all, seems like all they had on there was news and it was almost always bad, except when them folks landed on the moon that time but that was after me and your dad married and we was living up in North Alabama before you and your little sister was born, I remember that well because that was all they talked about on television, but  we never watched television any how cause we were always busy doing something.
But he was watching SpongeBob and was drinking a Sprite and spilled it on Anita and she was having a fit and he told her that it was okay that Sprite wasn’t as bad for her as them old Diet Cokes were.

Basically what she said was, Hunter spilled his drink on my sister. It just took her two freaking hours to say it.

You know when something happens to me it goes something like this – I had a flat, fixed it.
When Cindy asks “How was your day?”
My answer goes like this. “Fine.”
Notice I did not say  “Fine. How was your day?” The reason I did not say that is not because I don’t care, I do care, it’s because I don’t want to know how hard it was to put on your makeup stuff around your eyes while you are driving down the road, or why it was so hard to open that pack of pepper while you were talking on the cellphone.

If I could hear just the facts and the point that would be great.

Another thing, why do you women always try to bring up stuff during a program of football game when we are trying to watch said program or football game, and then you always get quiet in the commercials?

 

Barack Obama To Be Next Head Coach At Ole Miss

This just in.
The White House has announced that Barack Obama was offered the position of head coach at the University of Mississippi.
When asked for a comment, Obama was overheard talking to Joe Biden about the position.
Obama – I don’t know nothing bout coaching no football.
Biden – That’s okay you don’t know nothing about being president either.
Obama – What if I fail miserably?
Biden – Look around dude.
Obama – I guess I could set up a teleprompter on the sideline.
Biden – I think you would be a hell of an offensive coach.
Obama – You do.
Biden – Hell yeah, you’ve been offending most people for the last four years. 

When giving his official statement Obama said “I think I may take the job as head coach at the University of Mississippi, because I feel that I could help shape the minds of young people and I probably won’t have a job after the next election anyhow.

With the recent mascot changes at Ole Miss, where they are working their way from being the Rebels to the Black Bears,  Obama would fit in well they could now be the Barack Bears.
If his plans to bring in union employees to fill out the depth chart and to help arbitrate with the referees come to fruition I look for Ole Miss to have the longest win streak in the history of football.

Mr. Obama ended his press conference with a rousing rendition of Rocky Top followed by triumphantly pumping his fist in the air while yelling War Eagle at the top of his lungs.

 

As I See It

I used to wonder if Americans are greedy, stupid and lazy. I no longer wonder about it because after watching the news lately I see that we are.
We have gone from a country that was united and proud to one that is divided and crumbling.
We have let our government run amok, gaining more and more control over private lives and rights.
Where we work in other countries to over throw dictators, here we have elected them and placed them in offices so that not only do they get to dictate how we should live and create new laws, but they get paid for the rest of their lives to do so.
We have democrats blaming republicans, republicans blaming democrats and the people falling in line and blaming others. No one accepts responsibility for anything any more.
People have gotten so lazy they no longer take the time to think for themselves, letting the media dictate how they should think and what they should think.
The wolves are in Washington D.C. and the sheep stand idly by grazing, thinking “as long as it doesn’t effect me then I don’t mind.”

We have a poser in the White House who wants America to forget political parties and unite, as long as they unite behind his ideas.
We have others standing outside protesting his every move that wants all of us to join them protesting him as well, but only as long as we protest against the same things they protest.

We are sending our young people to other countries to fight wars when we are being invaded over here.

Our government meddles in the affairs of other countries, “trying to spread democracy to the world” while they spread socialism here.

When a tragedy occurs people jump on bandwagons to help the victims of that tragedy, when they wouldn’t turn their hands to help family and friends.
They get a good feeling out of donating five or ten dollars to some charity, but they couldn’t spare a dime for their neighbor.

We punish the victims while the criminals go free or suffer little.

We have become a nation of hypocrites.

If there is a reset button for this country it’s about time we pushed it.

Start thinking for yourself.
Start respecting yourself and others.
Start taking responsibility.
Start thinking about the issues instead of following blindly along with what is popular.
Think before you vote and vote responsibly.

Get over it. If it happened over two hundred years ago then it’s time to let it go.
My people were here long before any one else, we realize that and we’re over it.
If your people were brought here on slave ships get over it. Think about where you would be if that had never of happened.

The truth of the matter is if it happened before you were born there is nothing you can do about it.
All you can do is work for the future to make it better for everyone.
Remember the future starts now.
Quit looking down your nose and start lifting up your hands.