By Gary, on August 23rd, 2010%
We enter the oval office to see Barack Obama talking to several of the usual lackeys
Obama – My speech is coming greatly, I have only worn out three teleprompters practicing it. Although I am still having trouble with this one sentence.
Pelosi – Oh sire, that says “It’s Bush’s fault.”
Obama – Not that sentence, I know that sentence. the next one.
Pelosi - I promise that this government has been transparent from the start.
Biden – Well the gubmint may not have been, but boss you sure have been, why they was times that you couldn’t even be seen cause you was so transparent.
Obama – BIDEN, YOU FOOL! Those were times that I was on vacation and you were talking to the speakerphone.
Biden - On vacation? All 621 times? Nobody ever tells me nuthin.
Obama – Silence you mackerel head, let me read my speech.
Everyone in the room sits down in the floor to listen to the great orator as he begins weaving his tale of despair.
Obama – My fellow muslims…..uh I mean Americans… (shrugs) Hey we all know that America is a muslim country right?
As your most beloved leader, I must tell you that I have singlehandedly saved the economy, we are in a state of economic reboundedness, if you look at the charts behind me you can see economic growth from 10 percent to a projected 15.7 percent. I did this all by myself…..
Hillary - Sir that is the chart for unemployment showing the difference between last year and this year.
Obama - Uh..uh…uh… Bush’s fault…. uh…mmm…. that chart, that chart shows that although unemployment rates are higher, the number of people who are receiving unemployment compensation has fallen. Drastically from 10 percent to 15.7 percent less than last year.
Biden – Taters Boss! That’s a mighty wide gap in the percentages.
Obama – Who you going to believe? Me or some stupid chart?
Biden – Well we all believed you for the last few years and looky where that has gotten us.
Obama – What the hell do you mean by that?
Biden – Well hell boss, I can’t even stink up the bathroom at home without telling everyone that it is Bush’s fault.
Pelosi – He’s right, oh glorious leader. The other day I ran over a nun and when she complained about it I told her it was Bush’s fault.
Hillary – I am so sick of hearing it’s Bush’s fault, the other day when I caught Bill in bed with that little tramp that works in his office, he even used that excuse.
Obama – SILENCE DOGS!!!! Let me finish my speech…. okay where was I…. hmmm… Unemployment rates have fallen because of three reasons. Number 1; Fewer people are receiving unemployment benefits, showing that even though they have run out of money to receive, there are fewer folks receiving it. Number 2; Every illegal alien I have seen is working. and Number 3; My wife just hired two new assistants bringing her total up to 78, proving that this administration is creating jobs.
Hillary – Just because people have run out of unemployment benefits doesn’t mean that they have found jobs.
Obama – Hillary that is enough of that kind of talk.
Hillary – I am sorry I disputed you.
Obama - It’s not the disputing that bothers me so much, it’s the fact that you are showing common sense.. and as liberals we cannot ever display common sense.
Pelosi – That’s right Hillary, if you want to have common sense go join some other party.
Hillary – (shudders) Ugh, I’m sorry that will never happen again.
Obama – Folks, remember me? You know your lord and savior? The one practicing the speech?
Biden – Taters boss, we’re all mighty sorry.
Obama – Okay… where was I…. as you all probably know right now, every hurdle this administration has overcome can be traced back to one common denominator. It’s all Bush’s fault. Now I told you that this administration would be transparent and that any one at any time would be allowed to know anything that they needed to know, and we have held to that promise…
Biden - What about your birth certificate?
Obama – No one needed to know about that, you dumbass.
Biden – What about your continuous vacations.
Obama – No one needed to know about that either.
Pelosi – What about the back room deals you have been making with the terrorists.
Obama – Dammit! What part of “allowed to know anything they needed to know” do you butthorns not understand?
Pelosi – Oooh we didn’t catch that part.
Obama – What do you mean you didn’t catch that part?
Pelosi – Well we were trying to listen, but Biden was standing behind you making shadow puppets on the wall again and he can make a really nifty bunny.
Obama – Dammit! I am trying to give a speech and you bunch act like its show and tell in damned kindergarten.
Hillary – We’re all really sorry boss…. (whispers) Biden can you make a bird?
Obama – Okay that is it. You infidels are not worth reading my speech to.
Pelosi – Is this the part that ends in alloowahooey ackbar?
Obama – AAAAAAGGH!
Tune in next time when we hear Biden say - And this is a donkey taking a crap on the constitution.
To which Pelosi responds – Awe hell Joe to see that all anyone has to do is watch c-span.
By Gary, on August 15th, 2010%
We enter the Oval Office to see Barack Obama talking with his wife while Joe Biden and Hillary Clinton look on.
Obama - Honey just because I’m the president….
Michelle – You mean we’re the president don’t you?
Obama - Uh yes dear, that’s what I mean….uh just because we’re the president doesn’t mean we can spend all this money and go on extravagant trips like this.
Michelle – Who says we can’t?
Obama – Well sweety pie, the American citizens are upset that you can go on vacations in Spain and France, and they can’t afford to go to the store to buy bread.
Michelle – Well let them bitches eat cake.
Obama – Bu..bu..but…but flossy pants, the peasants are already starting to revolt….
Michelle – You old fish-eyed fool, you aint telling me nothing I don’t know, have you smelled some of them folks they are plenty revolting.
Obama – That’s not what I meant, I meant they are starting to turn against us. They are talking about voting me out of office…wanting me impeached….some of them are wanting me deported….
Michelle – Well if that happens do I get to keep my assistants and the money.
Hillary – What he’s saying Michelle is that you just need to appease the public, the press is calling you Marie Antoinette, and it looks bad on the president and the democratic party also.
Michelle – Those assholes can call me Marie Osmond if they want, as long as I get to keep wearing these clothes, and flying on those planes. Besides who asked you, what do you know about being married to the president?
Hillary – What do I know? My husband and I were the president for eight years.
Michelle – Oh really, you might want to look in the history books, Barry here is the first and only president this country has ever had.
Biden – Hey Michelle speaking of those clothes, when you bought that shirt, what did you do, go into the store and say have you got something colorful in a size triple ugly?
Michelle – You better watch it sucker, I’ll have you shipped off to Singapore, and I can do it too.
Obama – Uh sugar dumplings this is getting out of hand, we’ll discuss this later and uh… we’ll…. uh…. okay.
Michelle - Oh you wanting to get rid of me, Barry?
Obama – Uh… no dear, I just have some important presidenting to do.
Michelle – Okay but you better know this aint over.
Biden – Taters boss, I wouldn’t want to be in your shoes when you and her are together tonight.
Obama – Heh heh heh… See Joe I know how to handle my woman when I get her alone I will make everything alright, and she will be happy.
Biden – How are you going to do that?
Obama – Well first I’m going to get one of the serfs to get her a nice glass of wine and then get one of them to rub her feet, then I’ll fly that guy in that makes the pizzas that she likes then we will talk things over.
Biden – Are you sure that will work bosserama? Cause I sure would hate to see you get the hell beat out of you again.
Obama – Michelle didn’t beat the hell out of me, I tripped and fell into a door thirty-eight times, and I swear it was Lincolns ghost that dropped those vases on my head.
Biden – Okay but how did her shoe get stuck in your ass like that?
Obama - Hmm…. Maybe I should see if the Chinese will loan me anymore money, and then send her to Paris for a shopping spree.
Hillary – Aren’t we already in debt to the Chinese so bad that our grandchildren’s grandchildren will still be paying on that?
Obama – After 2012 we won’t have to worry about it.
Hillary – Do you think the world will end in 2012, like the Mayan calendar says?
Obama – No. I think I will get my ass voted out of office and will wind up living in a cardboard box over in Kenya.
Tune in next time when we here Joe Biden say – I wonder if I drop the F-bomb a few more times on national television will I get my own reality show?
By Gary, on August 12th, 2010%
We enter the Oval Office to see Barack Obama, Nancy Pelosi, Joe Biden, Hillary Clinton, Harry Reid, Barney Frank and Barbara Boxer passing around a rather curious looking smoking implement.
Harry – Hey Obama-man, we need to push for legislation to make it illegal to block illegals from playing golf at exclusive country clubs.
Nancy – Yeah, oh great bossaroobob, that exactly what we should do.
Obama – Hey you guys are absolutely right, and we should probably make vouchers for them so they don’t have to pay those high prices.
Biden – Taaaaaa-terrrrrrss! Obamboo, that would be great except they would want to play on our courses.
Obama – Yeah maaaaan. You’re right number two, we should make it so they only can play on Republican owned courses.
Barney - Hey they can play on my green anytime they want to.
Hillary – Eeeewww Barney! Don’t describe it.
Nancy - Hey let’s pass some political correct bill making it illegal to call illegals, illegal. Let’s call them un-American Citizens, or the legally challenged.
Obama – Yeah that would be cool, lets call them Citizenry Challenged.
Pelosi – Hey Playa, the press was wanting to know why you could play golf but couldn’t meet with your generals, or with the Gulf cleanup people, man.
Obama – Tell them it’s all Bush’s fault.
Pelosi – Yeah I did, but those bums aint wanting to believe it, they keep saying that you say everything is Bush’s fault.
Obama – Everything I have done in this office is a direct result of some kind of influence from Bush.
Biden - Taters, Bossamagoo, what do you mean?
Obama – Do you think any of this crap would have happened if not for Bush?
Biden – What about the healthcare bill?
Obama – Bush’s fault.
Pelosi – Not meeting with the generals in Afghanistan?
Obama – Bush’s fault.
Reid - Not meeting with the BP officials?
Obama – Bush’s fault.
Barney – Playing golf while the economy is tanking?
Obama – Bush’s fault.
Boxer – Okay how is all of this Bush’s fault.
Obama – Easy being stoned influenced all of those things.
Everyone all together – Oh. You mean that kind of bush.
Biden – Thank God you didn’t follow a president named Crack.
Tune in next time when we hear Obama say – Call Tommy Chong and see if he is interested in a career.
By Gary, on July 26th, 2010%
We enter the Oval Office to see Barack Obama talking with his press secretary, Robert Gibbs.
Obama- Gibby, I need more exposure, I need to be every where, I need the American peasants…..uh I mean people to love me again.
Gibbs – We’re working on that sir, we’ve got you booked on The View, Oprah, The Today Show, Keeping Up With the Kardashians, a guest spot on Jersey Shore, a special guest spot on WWE, you’ll be the guest villain on The Vampire Diaries and you will be doing the weather forecast for a local news station over in the Philippines.
Obama – Great. That’s what I wanted to hear. It’s about time somebody in this office did their job.
Hillary – Amen to that. Of course I would like to know who is going to be running the country while you are doing all these appearances.
Obama – The same person that has ran this thing since I was elected.
Hillary -Rahm?
Obama – Correct!
Biden – Well at least nothing will change.
Gibbs – Ahem! Sir these appearances are all very important for your career. So we need to make sure that they are all kept. Remember not only should you be making appearances, but you should be dancing.
Obama – Dancing?
Gibbs – You should be dancing, you should be dancing yeah.
Obama – Okay Gibby, I’ll take that into consideration.
Gibbs – Great because nobody gets too much heaven no more.
Obama – What?
Gibbs – All I’m saying is that, if they can’t have you, they don’t want no other, baby, if they can’t have you uhh ahhh ahhh.
Biden – Great now Gibbs sounds like you without your teleprompter.
Obama – Shut up you doddering fool.
Biden – What? What’s Dodd have to do with this? What’s Dodd but a second handed moron?
Obama - Okay Gibby when are all these appearances.
Gibbs – They are all set for this Thursday.
Obama – What? All on Thursday? What the hell, Gibby? How am I going to take care of all those appearances on Thursday? You Moron!
Gibbs – Relax oh great butt-hornio, if Santa Claus can deliver presents to billions of kids in one night you can be on all those shows in one day. After all aren’t you better than Santa Claus?
Biden – Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac and a whole bunch of Muslims would agree with you on that.
Obama – Silence fool. Let Gibby talk.
Biden – As you wish oh master of the Metamucil.
Gibbs – See we just put you in Marine 1 and fly you to all of these locations, you run in, do your part and run out. Simple as that.
Obama – Great. What time is the first one.
Gibbs – They are all scheduled for 1 o’clock Eastern Time.
Obama – WHAT??????
Obama turns pale and passes out in the floor.
Biden (looking at Gibbs) – Now look what you did. You done caused the stuttering fool to fall out in the floor. Michelle is going to beat the hell out of you for this.
Gibbs – Michelle? Oops. Michelle is more than a woman.
Biden – She’s what?
Gibbs – I said she’s more than a woman, more than a woman to me.
Biden – More than a woman?
Gibbs – More than a woman to me.
Biden – More than a woman, oh, oh oh.
Hillary – I knew it.
Gibbs -Knew what.
Hillary – I knew that with that high pitched squeaky voice of yours you thought you were one of the BeeGees… or one of the Chipmunks.
Gibbs – Well Hillary, You just don’t know.
Hillary – Don’t know what?
Gibbs- You don’t know what it’s like, baby, you don’t know what it’s like to love somebody, to love somebody the way that I love O.
Obama wakes up and looks at Gibbs – Get out, just get out.
Biden – You heard the man Gibby, you need to get rolling on the river.
Gibbs walking out the door – You can tell by the way I use my walk, I’m Obama’s man no time to talk….
Tune in next time when we hear Hillary say – Well America, you wanted change. Are you happy now?
By Gary, on June 26th, 2010%
The grass was high and could not wait
I knew the lawnmower was awaiting my fait
I fired it up and made a pass
lowering the level of that tall tall grass
the cat was watching and following me
as I pushed that mower, weaving around the tree
the flower in the yard could now be seen
with blooms of red and stems of green
as it always does when the lawn I mow
clouds moved in and the wind did blow
a gust of air moved my hat to the ground
I searched for it and turned around
it was at the moment I reached to retrieve my hat
that I did indeed mow that damn cat
all nine of its lives must have fled
as the poor old cat splattered all over my shed
I felt really bad and knew not what to do
so for supper that night, we all had stew.
By Gary, on June 12th, 2010%
The night was moonless and dark, the type of night when your shadow can’t even see your shadow.
The old man sat beside the barrel, drinking a bottle of cheap rum, wishing that he had more wood for the fire.
Gazing intently into the fire that bellowed forth from the barrel, the old man never saw what hit him.
The bottle fell to the ground, as did the old man, his body growing cold as it fell, his eyes glazing over, his heart no longer beating.
It would be three days before anyone found his mutilated remains.
Ray Bob, Tom, and Slim were taking a short cut through the old abandoned textile mill.
“What the hell is that smell?” asked Ray Bob.
“I think it’s a dead dog or a possum.” said Slim.
“Whew. I aint never smelled no possum or dog that smelled like that.” Tom added.
As they rounded the corner from the old loading dock and entered what had once been a warehouse, the smell got stronger, the three men saw the lump laying by the old fire barrel.
“See, I told you it was a possum.” said Slim.
“Well I have never seen a possum, wearing a wristwatch.” said Tom.
Ray Bob reached down and picked up the remains of the old mans arm. “Hey it’s a Timex.” He said as he removed the watch and put it in his pocket.
“Hey that watch might have some inscription on it so that someone might be able to identify this guy.” said Tom.
Ray Bob pulled the watch back out from his pocket and spread the band far enough to look at the back of it.
“Well?” asked Slim.
“You’re right.” said Ray Bob.
“What does it say?” Asked Tom.
“It says, Dear Ray Bob, enjoy your new watch, I don’t need it anymore, love the old dead guy.” Ray Bob said as he placed the watch back into his pocket.
Just then a noise startled the three men, turning around they saw…….
To be continued….
Now NBC this is what I am talking about.
Cancel a freaking show, and leave it in a cliffhanger.
Who the hell is Earl Jr.’s daddy if it aint Darnell?
You bastards!
By Gary, on June 10th, 2010%
NCAA to rule on its Southern Cal investigation
LOS ANGELES (AP)—The NCAA is ready to rule Thursday after its four-year investigation of Southern California’s football team. The penalties are expected to stem primarily from allegations of improper benefits given Heisman Trophy winner Reggie Bush.
The governing body said its announcement will come in the afternoon regarding one of the nation’s highest-profile football programs.
When asked for a comment, Barack Obama said “Well I guess in this case it really is Bush’s fault.
By Gary, on May 21st, 2010%
We enter the oval office to see Barack Obama, discussing wartime strategies with several generals and politicians.
Obama – We have sent and emissary to speak with them in order to hold off the war, if they surrender peacefully and are willing to obey us, we won’t have to destroy them.
Joe Biden – When will we know something.
Obama – She is on her way up now.
Hillary Clinton walks into the room, limping, clothes torn, covered in filth, and crying.
Obama – Were you not well received my messenger?
Hillary – No.
Obama – What happened?
Hillary – I did it exactly like you said, I threw the papers onto her desk and then showing the damages and losses that other states that went against you suffered….
(Flashback to Earlier that morning)
Hillary – Look these other states tried to go against the God King and they all suffered horrible losses.
Jan – So?
Hillary- You don’t want our God King to do this to you, do you?
Hillary is being ushered out of the building by Jan….
Jan – What if I don’t give a rats smoking ass about your God King?
Hillary - Don’t say that.
Jan – I will say whatever I want to. He’s not a god, and he is not a king, in fact he is hardly even a man.
Hillary – This is madness.
Jan kicks Hillary into an open septic tank – THIS IS ZONA!
Hillary – Why does this smell like Barney Frank?
Return back to the present.
Obama – Well that snotty twerp, she will be taught a lesson, we will have the whole Persian….. uh I mean American military go against her.
Admiral Mullen – Sir, a military campaign against Arizona would lead to a peasant uprising, most of the tea party folks would take that to be a call to arms.
Obama – So we could take them out to, that would be like stoning two birds.
Mullen – Yes but a large majority of your fan base would turn against you.
Barney Frank – Why don’t we flank them?
Obama – Ugh. Not at this time Barney.
Barney – Rats.
Mullen – Something else sir.
Obama – Sigh. What is it?
Mullen - A large portion of our troops are still overseas, and we have several factions in our services that are Oath Keepers and Tea Party sympathizers.
Obama – Can we weed them out.
Mullen – Not legally and..
Obama – Legally? You are going to speak to me about legally? Hell man. Did you see what I did with healthcare?
Biden – And don’t forget the birth certificate.
Obama – Right, I am not legally the presid….uh… um… the law is what I say it is. Now are your troops ready to fire on American civilians or aren’t they?
Mullen – No sir they are not and I am not ready to issue that order.
Obama – You have failed me Admiral, get thee from my sight.
Admiral Mullen walks out the door
Obama – I am going to have to think about what to do with him. (Pointing to the exiting Admiral Mullen.)
Barney Frank – Why don’t we flank him?
Obama – Not now Barney.
Gavin Newsom – Sir the City of San Francisco pledges their support and their people to help you.
Antonio Villaraigosa – The City of Los Angeles pledges their support and people, sir.
Micheal Coleman – Columbus Ohio, pledges it’s support to you sire.
John B O’Reilly Jr. - The city of Dearborn pledges it’s support to you sire, as long as you take out Israel too.
Obama – Sure why not.
Everyone gathers around the map to discuss strategy.
Obama – Okay we go down here to Arizona and we ….
Biden – Uh Sir that’s Oklahoma..
Obama – Oklahoma or Arizona.. what does it matter? What does it matter?
Antonio V – Wasn’t that a Three Dog Night Song?
Obama – We’re not here to discuss music, we’re here to discuss the removal of Alabama from the U.S.
Hillary – Arizona sire.
Obama - Whut?
Hillary – You said Alabama, we’re after Arizona right now.
Obama – Well we can take out Alabama too.
Hillary – Sir Alabama is redneck country, everyone there owns guns, and the damn sure know how to use them.
Biden – Not only that but they got that Nick Saban feller there and if he falls into leading them, they could easily overthrow our gubmint and take over the world.
Obama – Okay Alabama is off the list. Curse you Nick Saban, Curse you to Smitheroonies.
Gavin N – What do you want us San Franciscans to do sire?
Barney Frank – I have an idea.
Obama – Not now Barney.
Barney Frank – I was just going to say that the could lead protests against Arizona, boycotting them and making them change their mind after they lose all that tourism money.
Obama – Oooh Okay. Sound good.
Barney Frank – Then I could flank them.
Obama (Slaps himself on the forehead) – DuuOh!
Obama - Okay so we have the Muslims, the Mexicans, the Gays, the Liberals, HollyWood, and Columbus Ohio on our side and Hillary is working on the Catholic Church. Hillary how is that coming?
Hillary – Well if they would quit stabbing me in the chest with wooden stakes, strangle me with Rosary Beads, and trying to drown me with Holy Water, I might be able to negotiate the deal better.
Obama – Maybe I should send Pelosi.
Pelosi – By the way, what does Get thee behind me satan, mean?
Barney Frank – Oh. I know. I know.
Obama – What kind of resistance does Brewer have down there?
Biden – She has a bunch of pissed off ranchers, some disenchanted Border Patrol officers, several thousand Tea Partyist, and Chuck Norris on her side.
Obama – Chuck Norris?
Biden – Yes
Obama – Chuck Norris?
Pelosi – He’s only one man, and we have the Governator.
Obama – The governator? do you not realize if the terminator had fought Chuck Norris that movie would have been over by the end of the opening credits? Chuck Norris is not a man.
Pelosi – What do you mean?
Obama – Chuck Norris is an immortal.
Biden – Like you sir.
Obama – I wish. Okay guys here’s the deal, we boycott Arizona.
Antonio V – You don’t want to do an armed invasion.
Obama slaps Antonio Villagarosa – Did you not hear man? Chuck Norris.
Antonio V – Okay so we boycott Arizona.
Obama – Has anyone seen Gavin Newsom?
Pelosi – He was running down the hall trying to avoid being flanked by Barney Frank a little bit ago.
Obama - Well let him in on the plan.
A disheveled Gavin Newsom stumbles into the door. Everyone looks at him as a jubilant Barney Frank enters behind him.
Barney Frank – That’s right from now on you can call me Barney Flank.
Tune in next time when we hear Pelosi say – Hillary? Why do you smell like Barney Frank?
By Gary, on April 14th, 2010%
We enter the Oval Office only to be ushered out onto the Eastern lawn of the White House for a press conference with Barack Obama.
Obama – I know a lot of the members of the press have some questions as to why I haven’t been talking to y’all much so I decided to have this press conference to make up for it.
I’m going to let you guys ask any questions you want too.
CNN Reporter – Mr. President, the recent humanitarian aid to other countries has kind of dwindled down, do you think this is due to the current economy and the fact that more Americans are unemployed than has ever been unemployed at one time in this country?
Obama – Well, I think that might be part of it, but the main reason is that the republicans are blocking aid for the American unemployed people, people like Bob the former builder, who lost his home and his business, and is currently struggling to make ends meet.
CNN Reporter – But didn’t he lose all of that when someone firebombed his house and stole his trucks and killed his dog?
Obama – It’s Bush’s fault. Next.
Fox News Reporter – Mr. Obama, does it bother any of you that you pushed a bad healthcare bill through and are now going to force more people out of work and the American government deeper into debt?
Obama – How did you get past the guards? SECURITY!!!
MSNBC Reporter – Mr President, how do you explain the tingle that Chris Matthews gets when he talks about you.
Obama – Well to start with it’s probably my great personality and charisma, or else it’s all Bush’s fault.
CBS Reporter – Mr Obama, are we going to do anything to send aid to the Chinese people after the latest earthquake?
Obama – Well since China now owns most of America, we are going to help them the best that we can.
CBS Reporter – How are we going to do that sir?
Obama - We are going to divert money from other programs into aid packages to increase the amount of money that we pay them back for all of the loans that they have given us, or else we’re going to give them Massachusetts.
CBS Reporter – Do you think they would want Massachusetts?
Obama – I don’t know, but I sure don’t anymore.
ABC Reporter – With the recent large number of earthquakes that are taking place, do we have scientists working on a plan to try to find the cause of them.
Obama – We have already found the cause of all the quakes.
ABC Reporter – Really what is the cause?
Obama – It’s all Bush’s fault.
NBC Reporter – How can you blame Bush for an earthquake?
Obama – I can blame Bush for everything, in fact if you will check my record, I have blamed Bush for every disaster, natural and manmade , every government failure, every crime and everything else I could think of, even before I became president.
BBC Reporter – Mr. Obama, Recently you have been outspoken against nuclear weapons. How do you plan to rid the world of these?
Obama – By working with the U.N. and putting sanctions against countries that do not destroy their nuclear arsenals, I plan to completely eradicate nuclear weapons.
BBC Reporter – What if some countries refuse to destroy their arsenals.
Obama – Then the U.N. will sanction them and send weapons inspectors in to make sure they are in compliance before those sanctions are lifted.
BBC Reporter – Didn’t the U.N. try that in Iraq and weren’t the weapons inspectors kicked out of the country thus leading up to that war?
Obama – Yes but that was Bush’s fault. All the world loves me, so they will do as I tell them to.
Al Jazeera Reporter – It has been said by the President of Iraq that you are an amateur when it comes to world politics and that you know nothing of how to disarm countries. What do you have to say to him about that?
Obama – Well President Pajamameedad is a friend of mine and if he really said that then I would probably look him dead in the eye and say, It’s Bush’s fault.
Pravda Reporter – It has been asked whether you were going to turn over your actual birth certificate proving once and for all that you are legally entitled to be president of the United States. Are you ever actually going to do that?
Obama – I have turned over my Hawaiian birth certificate and that settles it.
Pravda Reporter – But sir a birth certificate is not supposed to be written in crayon.
Obama – Security, get this Fox News spy out of here.
Obama – That is all the time we have for this conference, so y’all take that for what it’s worth and in closing I would like to say it’s all Bush’s fault.
By Gary, on March 25th, 2010%
We enter the Oval Office to see a jubilant Barack Obama, Joe Biden, Nancy Pelosi and a mass of other democrats, dancing and singing.
Obama – We did it. We did it. We passed a health care reform bill. Yay us.
Biden – You said you would get it done, Oh mighty scratchensniffer and you did.
Hillary – It’s a great day to be a democrat.
Pelosi – What a wonderful country we now live in.
Biden – I can’t believe they all fell for it.
Schumer – Well you know a lot of us probably won’t get reelected come November, but it will be worth it, I guess.
Obama – Of course you will get reelected. The American people are stupid, they can’t help but vote for you.
Hillary – What do you mean the American people are stupid, Sire?
Obama – They elected me didn’t they?
Biden – That’s right but only because they made the cute acronym from your name.
Obama – You mean the one that says One Bad Ass Man from Africa?
Biden – No sir, the one that says One Big Ass Mistake America.
Obama - Well who cares about them anyhow?
Boxer – We do sire. They have to vote for us to get elected.
Obama – You people with your voting, y’all really get to me. Elections won by voting, what a laugh. If votes actually counted I would never have stepped foot in this office.
Hillary - Well I guess now we know.
About that time Senator Richard Shelby steps into the room.
Shelby – Well, you may have got your little unconstitutional health care bill passed, but you still haven’t explained how you’re going to pay for it.
Obama – I’m not going to pay for it. The American people are.
Shelby – You know what I mean.
Obama – Think about it Richard, I win you lose, it’s that simple. Any way you slice it this is a victory for the democrap party.
Shelby – Really?
Obama – That’s right, it kicks in, in 2014 by then all these numbskulls that voted to pass it will be voted out of office, giving whoever takes their places the opportunity to undo this bill.
Shelby – So what’s the point in passing it then?
Obama – It was a win-win situation for us. If it goes through we can say we “fixed” health care. If it fails we can blame it on you guys. Ha ha ha ha ha.
Shelby – Why not you blame everything else on us.
Biden – That’s right Richaroonie, you republicans are an evil lot. If it wasn’t for you guys there would be no high taxes, corrupt laws, no earthquakes, no monsoons, no natural disasters, no gingivitis, no asteroids, no……
Al Gore interrupts – Global warming, global warming.
Biden – No global warming, no illegal drugs, no hunting, no morality, no Christian beliefs, no laws pertaining to right and wrong, no capitalism, no freedom of any kind from the government, no fried chicken on Sundays, no….
Obama – That’s enough Joe. Simmer down.
Biden – Taters boss! I was just getting warmed up.
Obama – I know but you’re starting to make their case for them.
Shelby – You bunch of communists have been making our case for us for years.
Obama – It’s Bush’s fault.
Shelby (rolls eyes)- Of course it is.
Obama – Quick call the press, Richard Shelby admits it’s all Bush’s fault.
Shelby – You people really are out of touch with America.
Obama – Well we are with your version of America anyhow, but not with our version.
Shelby – Oh really and what is your version.
Obama – Imagine there’s no heaven.
Biden – It’s easy if you try.
Obama – Imagine there’s no countries.
Biden – It isn’t hard to do.
Obama – Nothing to kill and die for.
Biden – And no religion too.
Obama – Well except for the muslim religion.
Shelby – Well John when you and Yoko get your heads out of your asses, and come back to reality, maybe you will see just how badly you screwed the American people.
Obama – You may say that I’m a dreamer, but I’m not the only one.
Shelby – No, you are not the only one, looks like you surrounded yourself with a whole bunch of dreamers.
Obama – Oh come on Richard, share a victory blunt… I mean cigar with us.
Shelby – No thanks.
Obama – Now Richard we aren’t that different, if you give us a chance.
Shelby – What?
Obama – We’re both humans right?
Shelby – I guess.
Obama – We’re both males, right?
Shelby – Well I am, but sometimes you make me wonder. With all that swishing you do when you walk.
Biden – He’s right about that boss, you do some swishing.
Obama – Yeah, but I make it look good. Cut me some slack Richard, I mean I did say Roll Tide, when I had Nick and the boys up here. That’s got to count for something. I mean I fully support the University of Alabama football team.
Shelby - So do I but that has nothing to do with the American people as a whole.
Obama – Roll Tide Richard.
Shelby – Don’t change the subject. You still sold out the American people.
Obama – So what? Who cares? They will all forget about it come the next elections.
Biden – Uh boss, there are quite a few elections coming up this year.
Obama – This year?
Biden – Yes sir.
Obama - 2010?
Biden – Yes sir.
Obama – Oooooops.
Schumer - Look on the bright side boss.
Obama – There’s a bright side?
Schumer – Of course the Mayan calendar says the world is going to end in 2012 and that means that the republicans will only be in power for two years.
Obama – The world is going to end?
Schumer – Yes sir according to the Mayans.
Obama – Okay, see if we can figure out a way to blame Bush for that.
Schumer – Way ahead of you boss, we’ve been working that one out for the last six months.
Obama – Good job.
Biden – Good idea.
Shelby – Good grief.
Bill Clinton (toking on a cigar) – Good stuff.
Shelby – Good Bye.
Obama – See you later Richard, hey why don’t you guys stop by the White house for a beer later and we will try to put a stop to all of this across the aisle bickering.
Shelby – No thanks.
Shelby walks out of the room.
Biden – Why did he turn you down like that boss.
Obama - Maybe he found out about the reverend I used to study under.
Biden – You mean that Jeremiah Wright feller?
Obama – No, I mean that Jim Jones fellow.
Tune in next time when we hear Obama say. “Who cares if there are no doctors left, we have health care for everyone.”
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