About Gary

Hunter, Fisherman, Wood Worker, Author, Artist, Songwriter, and All Around Great Guy.

Elroy J. Catt and The Weekend Western Marathon.

It was a typical day, the big weird guy was up wandering around the house, mumbling and grumbling to himself.
The caring woman was cooking some breakfast.
The loud boy was still asleep in his room.
Spookie Marie Moosebaum was perched on the back of the recliner in the living room observing everything that was going on around her.

Elroy J. Catt slowly walked through the house surveying everything with an icy but steady gaze.
“Meow.” Said Elroy which is cat language for “What are you cooking there, little lady.”

“Did you just call me little lady and why are you wearing that hat?” The caring woman asked.

“Meow.” Replied Elroy which is cat language for “I sure did and I’m wearing the hat to keep the sun out my eyes.”

“You’re inside.” Said the caring woman as she went back to her cooking.

By this time the big weird guy walked into the kitchen to see Elroy leaning up against the refrigerator.

“What in the wide world of sports are you doing?” The big weird guy asked.

“Meow.” Elroy replied which is cat language for “Well pilgrim, I’m standing here waiting on some grub.”

“There are no grubs in here.” The big weird guy responded. “Where did you get that hat?”

“Meow.” Said Elroy which is cat language for “Ebay.”

“Ebay? What the heck are you doing on Ebay and how are you paying for that stuff?” The big weird guy asked.

“Meow.” Elroy said in response which is cat language for “I’m on Ebay buying up John Wayne memorabilia and as far as paying for it I used your credit card like you said for me to do.”

“Oh John Wayne memorabilia is pretty cool, what all have you…….wait MY CREDIT CARD? I never told you to use my credit card!” The big weird guy exclaimed.

“Meow.” Elroy said which is cat language for “You didn’t? Hmm must have been Spookie that told me that.” 
Turning and swaggering out of the kitchen Elroy walked back into the living room as the big weird guy rushed to his computer to check his card balance.

“HOLY FISHHOOKS AND CARDIO!” The big weird guy shouted. “Somebody has ordered a ton of western stuff off the internet!”

Elroy glanced up at the big weird guy. “Meow.” He said which is cat language for “Well you’re the one that told me to take up a hobby that didn’t involve shredding toilet paper.”

Elroy turned and walked back into the living room glancing up at Spookie, who was still sitting on the back of the recliner he said. “What are you doing up there little lady?”

“Hmmph! How dare you speak to me, you dirty old trail hand.” Spookie replied.

“I’m not a dirty old trail hand.” Elroy said. “I’m Cathill, U.S. Marshall, and I’ve got the True Grit to prove it. Now I’m looking for some Commancheros that passed this way over night. You seen anything?”

“I’ve seen a three gallon head in a ten gallon hat if that means anything to you.” Spookie responded.

“Hey!  Don’t talk about the big weird guy like that.” Elroy said and then added “That’s not very nice.”

“I wasn’t talking about him, because then it would be a ten gallon head in a three gallon hat.” Spookie said.

“I can hear both of you.” The big weird guy said to the cats.

 “Meee?” Spookie asked which is cat language for “Well if you can hear us then why don’t you ever listen when we tell you what cat food to buy?” 

“Meow!” Elroy added which is cat language for “Yeah Pilgrim.”

“Okay that is it no more John Wayne marathons for you Elroy.” The big weird guy said.

“Meow?” Elroy asked which is cat language for “Oh I suppose you would rather watch Dirty Dancing for the three hundredth time like Spookie does?”

“Okay now that is just going to make me throw up.” The big weird guy said.

“What the heck is this a life size stagecoach replica? WE ARE CANCELLING THAT ORDER!”  The big weird guy shouted.

“Meow.” Elroy said which is cat language for “Fine I didn’t need that stagecoach anyhow. It’s kind of hard to pull it when all I’ve got is one mule and Spookie.”

“One mule and Spookie can’t pull no stagecoach anyway.” Said the big weird guy. “Wait? What mule?”

“Meow.” Said Elroy which is cat language for “The mule I had to buy all of that mule feed for.”

“NO! WE ARE NOT HAVING A MULE AROUND HERE!” The big weird guy shouted.

“I told you he would have a conniption.” Spookie said to Elroy.

“That’s it we are sending back everything.” The big weird guy said.

“Meow.” Responded Elroy which is cat language for “Sure, right after you apologize.”

“Apologize for what?” The big weird guy asked.

“Meow.” Said Elroy with a steely gaze as he squinted his eyes which is cat langauge for “Apologize to my mule, he thinks you were laughing at him, now I don’t have a problem with it myself, but my mule he gets a little ornery when he thinks people are laughing at him, so when you apologize and I know you’re going to, then we can get started sending stuff back.”

“Okay, that’s it. From now on it’s only Cartoon Network for you buster.” The big weird guy said to Elroy.

“Meow.” Said Elroy which is cat language for “Fine.” 
Elroy slowly turned away from the big weird guy and swaggered his way back into the kitchen.

Join us next time when we hear the big weird guy ask.. “Who ordered all of these wrestling pay per views and why is Elroy trying to put me in the figure four leglock?”

 

Elroy J. Catt And The Kitchen Cabinet Of Despair

Elroy J. Catt was making his usual rounds through the house when he heard the big weird guy call him.
“Elroy.” The big weird guy said. “Who destroyed the toilet paper?”

“Meow.” replied Elroy, which is cat language for “Well it looked like so much fun when the poltergeist were doing it that the roach bugs decided they wanted in on the act.”

“So you are telling me that roaches attacked our bathroom over night, destroyed the toilet paper, pumped all of the hand soap onto the counter, took apart my hair clippers, re wired the lights and stuck my shoe in the toilet?” The big weird guy asked.

“Meow.” Elroy responded, which is cat language for “Yep.”

“So I am supposed to believe that a roach done this?” The big weird guy asked.

“Meow.” Elroy said nodding his head, which is cat language for  “Yep, cause you know roaches can lift up to fourteen times their body weight and they are pack animals, when they go on their migrations nothing can stand in their way.”

The big weird guy scratched his head and asked. “Are you sure that’s roaches and not army ants?”

“Meow.” Responded Elroy which is cat language for “There are no army ants around here. Have you lost your mind? We don’t live in the Amazon jungle. It had to be a migratory pack of outlaw roach bugs.”

“Uh huh.” The big weird guy said as he closed the bathroom door.

Elroy turned and walked away through the living room where he saw Spookie Marie Moosebaum sleeping on top of the recliner.


Carefully and silently he crept up behind her and with a loud high pitched voice he screamed “HASSELHOFF!” Which caused Spookie to lift her eyelid and smack Elroy with her tail, knocking him backwards from the recliner onto the floor.

“Dang it!” Elroy said to himself as he walked into the kitchen and waited on the big weird guy.
As he was standing in the kitchen Elroy noticed the kitchen cabinet door was slightly open and decided this needed to be investigated.
Jumping up he hooked the door with his front foot, slung it open and leaped into the cabinet. The door however was slung open with such force that once it hit the wall it shot back, knocking Elroy to the back of the cabinet and coming to a complete close.

“Hey you stupid door.” Said Elroy “Open up and let me out of here.”
But the door said nothing.

“I’m talking to you, ya idjut. Open up I said.” Elroy said.
But still the door did not respond.

“Open Sesame.” Said Elroy waving his paw around.
Still the door did nothing.

“Abracadabra.” Elroy said gesturing toward the door.
Still the door did nothing.

Backing up Elroy got a running start and threw his full body weight against the door, it did not budge.

Reaching into his pocket he pulled out his Swiss Army knife and tried prying the door open, still it did not move.

Feeling anguish and despair, Elroy looked around the cabinet for something he could use to  help him get out of the situation.

” Let’s see, we have bottled water, tuna, MREs, cat food, bread, ravioli, soylent green, Doritos, a saw, some thermite, Pop Tarts  and wait…. Doritos and Tuna….Doritos and Tuna… Tuna and Doritos…. Yes. I am saved.”

Just as he was about to rip open the bag of Doritos Elroy heard voices from the other side of the door. It was the caring woman. 

“Well hey there Spookie.” She said. “What are you doing girl? Why are you holding that cabinet closed?”

“Meeee” Replied Spookie, which is cat language for “I’m not holding the cabinet door shut I was just leaning up against it and stretching.”

“Well move girl, I have to get in there.” The caring woman said as she moved Spookie Marie Moosebaum out of the way to open the cabinet.

As she opened the door she saw Elroy sitting in the cabinet with a half eaten can of tuna, some shredded paper towels an open bottle of water and a funny grin.

“Elroy. What are you doing in the cabinet? Did you do this?” The caring woman asked.

“Meow.” Elroy responded, which is cat language for “The poltergeist that moved from the bathroom apparently set up camp in here, I was trying to evict them when the cabinet door got stuck and I could not get out.”

“The door wasn’t stuck, silly.” The caring woman said as she pointed over at Spookie who sat there with a mischievous look on her face. “That’s why you were holding the door shut. You were playing a prank on Elroy.” she said as she scratched Spookie on the head.

The caring woman grabbed a few things from the counter and said, “I am cooking breakfast. What should I make?”

“Meow. ” Said Elroy as he gave Spookie the stink eye, which is cat language for “Waffles.”

Spookie turned and walked out of the kitchen with a big silly grin on her face, arriving in the living room she again climbed up onto the back of the recliner and stretched out to take a nap.
“I’ll teach you to lock me in the cabinet!” Exclaimed Elroy to himself as he flipped the lever on the side of the recliner causing the back of it to shoot upwards sending Spookie flying through the air and onto the back of the big weird guys head.

“What in the ever loving wide world of sports was that about?” The big weird guy asked turning around to see Spookie scamper out the door.

“Meow.” Said Elroy, which is cat language for, “Spookie is going to learn you just don’t hassle the hoff.”

Tune in next time when you hear a roach bug say “Oh no! A dingo took my baby!”

 

Elroy J. Catt and The Crisis of Identities

Hi, Big Weird Guy, also known as Gary here.
I thought I would take a little time to enlighten those that don’t know as to the facts and fictions of Elroy J. Catt.

Elroy came to live with us a couple of years ago right around Christmas time.
He just showed up one evening and we tried unsuccessfully to run him off.
But he would keep coming back. We found out that he belonged to a woman who lives not far from us, but for some reason he enjoyed hanging out here more than over there.
Maybe it was because of our other cat Spookie Marie Moosebaum.

You see the caring woman got Spookie Marie Moosebaum when she was just a little kitten and brought her here.

When Spookie would go out roaming around for a little while Elroy would follow her home.
At first all we could see of him was his eyes glowing from under my truck and we thought maybe it was a fox or something planning on hurting or killing Spookie, so we would run it off.
One evening we got a better look at it and realized it was a cat, and no matter how many times we chased him away, Elroy came right back here.

Our neighbor told us of the lady who supposedly owned him so we had him call her and tell her that her cat was over here.
She came and got him the first time.
The second time which was approximately fifteen minutes after she had picked him up and he had returned, she said if we wanted the danged thing to keep him if not call the pound.
Now I believe that the pound does a lot of good in taking in stray animals or animals that people can no longer care for, but I also know that the pound kills numerous animals because they cannot afford to keep them for too long.
I did not want that.
So having never been a cat person I did the unthinkable, I placed a bowl of food and some water outside for the cat that would later go by the name of Elroy Jefferson Catt.

The first time I put the food out and called for him he came right to me and he has been here ever since. That was right before Christmas in 2015.

After a couple of days he had become so comfortable here that not only would he follow Spookie right into the house he would sit out in the swing and literally talk to me.
I don’t mean just meow occasionally, he would carry on conversation. Although he spoke cat and I spoke redneck we somehow made it work.
He would actually respond when you asked him a question or made a statement. Not just a simple meow but a several in a row depending on how complex the question or answer might be.

Shortly after coming to live with us Elroy got sick.

 So sick that his breathing was wheezing and he was coughing and gagging quite a bit. 

We carried him to the vet and was told that on top of an ear and sinus infection he had polyps.
The polyps he had were extremely large and would require surgery, normally they reach in through the ear canal and pull them out. Elroy’s would require them to actually cut his neck and pull them out through there. These things were huge (they saved them to show them to us).

For the first time in my life I was actually worried about a stinking cat.
Well they fixed him, in more ways than one and he returned home.
Later he would make the mistake of running across the driveway as I backed out with my truck resulting in me running over him, his head to be specific. I drive an F150 extended cab pickup. Fearing it was the end of Elroy J.  we rushed him to the vet where we were told he had a mild concussion and a slight laceration on his jaw.
I drove over his head in a full size pickup and he had a MILD concussion.
He has since learned to stay away from moving vehicles and I have learned to spot him if he is outside before I move my truck.

Now lets get down to his identities.

When Elroy is attacking my speaker this is what he sees

 

This however is what I see

When he is sitting on the top shelf behind my desk he feels this way

However what I see as he is waiting on the last fig newton is this;

When he is climbing into the bed and pretending to be stealthy this is how he sees himself;

But as we all know this is what it is really like;

When the alarm clock goes off and he nails my foot I am almost certain this is how he sees himself;

Me, on the other hand see it more like this;

when he is making his rounds and finds the toilet paper in the bathroom I am pretty sure he sees himself in this manner;

The aftermath however makes me see him like this;

But regardless of how he sees himself and how I imagine it the main way I see him is like this;

Just a really cool and fun little cat.

So I really don’t know if we have Elroy or if Elroy has us, either way I am sure that all of our lives are better for it.

 

Elroy J. Catt and The Confusing Computer Speaker of Consternation

It was a typical morning as the alarm clock sounded, startling Elroy J. Catt and causing him to slap the big weird guy in the foot.
“Meow.” Said Elroy, which is cat language for “Hey big weird guy turn off that stinking alarm clock.”
To which the big weird guy responded “Dang it Elroy! Quit slapping my toe and quit calling me weird!”

“Meow.” Replied Elroy, which is cat language for “Well turn that thing off. I was having a great dream and that stinking think woke me up. Oh by the way, would you rather I called you stinky feet?”

“No.” The big weird guy said. “I was dreaming too but I have to get up anyhow.”

Elroy got up and made his rounds through the house as the big weird guy wandered into the kitchen to begin fixing a pot of coffee.

“It is a beautiful day. ” Elroy thought to himself. “Let’s see what I need to do to start out this morning.”
Walking down the hall he pondered whether he should attack the toilet paper or the laundry hamper first. Suddenly like a flash of lightning Elroy realized that the first thing he should attack is the computer speaker on the big weird guys desk.

“Meow.” Said Elroy, which is cat language for “Hey big weird guy that computer speaker is looking at me funny.”

“The computer speaker does not have eyes, Elroy. It can’t be looking at you.” The big weird guy replied.

“Meow!” Shouted Elroy, that’s cat language for “I’ll teach you to suck eggs you stinking speaker.” as he leaped up on the shelf above the computer speaker to attack it.

“Leave my speaker alone.” The big weird guy shouted as Elroy ran off to find other foes to battle.

Elroy walked into the kitchen to see Spookie Marie Moosebaum sitting on the microwave.

“Hey Spookie, whatcha doing?” Elroy asked.

“I’m windsurfing. What does it look like I’m doing you goofball?” Spookie replied.

“Oh well excuse me.” Elroy said as he attacked the garbage can, knocking it over and making a mess in the kitchen floor.

After making a mess, checking his food bowl, shredding the paper towels and passing gas in Spookie’s general direction, Elroy turned and walked back into the other room.

“Meow.” Said Elroy pointing at the speaker. That’s cat language for “Hey, you stupid speaker I knocked you down. What are you doing standing up again?”

“I stood it up.” Said the big weird guy “Now quit messing with it and behave yourself.”

“Meow.” Replied Elroy. Which is cat language for “Never you Philistine.” 
Jumping onto the shelf again Elroy looked at the big weird guy as he picked up the speaker and dropped it off the shelf into the floor behind the desk.

“You little psycho!” The big weird guy exclaimed as he stood up and went behind his desk, picked up the speaker and put it back on the shelf.

“Meow.” Said Elroy. Which is cat language for “Who you calling a psycho? You stink footed hairless baboon.”

“Hey. I’ve heard about enough of your attitude mister.” The big weird guy said as Elroy once again attacked the speaker.

The big weird guy walked out to his garage and came back in with a roll of duct tape and proceeded to tape the speaker to the shelf so that Elroy would not be so easily able to knock it over.

Seeing this Elroy knew he had to act fast so he ran over and began kicking the big weird guy in the leg.

“What are you doing now?” The big weird guy asked.

“Meow.” Elroy responded, which is cat language for “I’m kicking you in the shin. What did you think I was doing? Fly fishing?”

It was at this time the loud boy hearing the commotion walked into the room and asked, “Why is Elroy kicking you in the shin?”

“Cause I taped up the speaker,s o he couldn’t knock it over so easy.” The big weird guy said.

With Elroy still kicking him in the shin the big weird guy walked into the kitchen to get another cup of coffee.

“Meow.” Said Elroy. Which is cat language for. “You better run, or walk, or whatever you call that movement you do.”

“It’s more like lumbering.” Said Spookie to Elroy.

“Lumbering or stumbling or something.” Elroy said as he turned and ran.

The big weird guy walked into the other room where once again the speaker was laying on its side this time taped sideways to the shelf.

“Elroy! How did you do this?” The big weird guy said.

“What did he do?” The loud boy asked.

“He cut the tape, knocked the speaker over, taped it to the shelf, used up all of my duct tape and wrapped the speaker wire around the support post there.” The big weird guy said pointing to the post that stands behind his desk. “All in the blink of an eye.”

“Meow” Said Elroy, which is cat language for “Ha, you will never find out.”

“Mew.” Said Spookie Marie Moosebaum, which is cat language for “He used his time distortion device to slow you down while he ran in there and wreaked havoc.”

“What time distortion device?” The big weird guy asked.

“Meow.” Said Elroy, which is cat language for “The one I built from the leftover parts of the nuclear reactor that I built out in the garage.”

“Nuclear reactor!” Shouted the big weird guy as he ran toward the garage.

Elroy walked over to the computer desk and removed the batteries from the big weird guys mouse and keyboard, putting them in a box addressed to Cameroon, he looked up at Spookie and said, “Hey Spookie, remember that time you pooped in the big weird guys shoe?”

“How could I forget.” Said Spookie, “He still hasn’t cleaned those shoes.”

“Yeah good times.” Said Elroy as he smiled and attached the FedEx label.

Tune in next time when we here the big weird guy say…. “No we are not changing your name to Elroy J. Hasselhoff.”

 

Elroy J. Catt and the TP of Doom

It was a typical Saturday morning as Elroy J. Catt was walking through the house, the big weird guy was drinking a cup of coffee and mumbling to himself.
The caring woman was still asleep as was the loud boy who had stayed up playing video games to the break of dawn.

Elroy walked by the big weird guy and said “Meow.” Which is cat language for “Whatcha doing big weird guy.”

“Reading my email and quit calling me weird.” The big weird guy responded.

“Email huh?” thought Elroy, “Seems like a waste of time to me.”

After finishing his coffee the big weird guy walked into the bathroom and asked “What in the ever-loving blue-eyed world has happened in here?”

“Meow?” Asked Elroy “Which is cat language for “Why big weird guy whatever do you mean?”

“I mean there is toilet paper everywhere. On the toilet, in the toilet, on the sink, in the shower, on the light bulbs, on the light switch, in the cabinet behind the sink, on the shelves by the toilet, it’s like toilet paper rolls exploded.” The big weird guy exclaimed.

“Meow.” Said Elroy. Which is cat language for “Hmm, I will have to get to the bottom of this mystery.”

“Elroy, did you do this?” The big weird guy asked calmly.

“Meow?” replied Elroy. Which is cat language for “Who me?”


The big weird guy cleaned up all the toilet paper and put it in the trash, and carried it outside to the garbage can.

“I have to solve this mystery fast.” Elroy thought to himself, “Or else they are going to blame me for this.

 

Elroy J. Catt walked through the living room where he saw Spookie Marie Moosebaum sitting in her favorite chair.

“Hey Spookie. What are you doing?” Elroy asked.

“Shedding.” Spookie replied. “Now leave me alone.”

 

“Do you know anything about the toilet paper explosion that occurred sometime during the night?” Elroy asked.

“I care not about toilet paper, I have more important things to do, such as shedding.” Spookie replied.

“Shedding is not that difficult.” Elroy said. “Everyone sheds, you, me, the caring woman, the big weird guy, the loud boy, everyone.”

“Yes but does everyone know how to pick places that are going to have just the right amount of static electricity so that the hairs will stick to everything that comes in contact with them?” Spookie asked.

“Well I guess I never thought of that.” Elroy replied.

“Of course you didn’t, you are as much an ignorant peasant as the rest of the bunch that live here.” Spookie said haughtily.

“Okey dokey.” Said Elroy as he walked into the kitchen. Where the big weird guy was getting a cup of coffee.

“Meow.” Said Elroy to the big weird guy. Which is cat language for “Hey, big weird guy, give me some food.”

“I just put some food in your dish.” The big weird guy said.

“Meow.” Replied Elroy, which is cat language for  “Yes, but that food is at least thirty seconds old and I can see the bottom of my dish, and besides that Spookie may or may not have breathed in the direction of my food bowl when she was over there scowling at her food bowl.”

“Oh good grief.” The big weird guy said as he put more cat food into Elroy’s bowl.

As Elroy ate the newer cat food he pondered the enigma of the toilet paper.

Then remembering what happened he walked into the living room past the shedding Spookie Marie and over to the big weird guy.
“Meow.” Said Elroy. Which is cat language for “I just remembered how the toilet paper got exploded.”

“Oh really? How?” The big weird guy asked.

“Meow.” Elroy replied. “Poltergeist.”

“Poltergeist?” The big weird guy asked. “Are you sure?”

“Meow.” Said Elroy. Which is cat language for “Yes I am quite certain. In fact I will tell you what happened.”

“Do tell.” The big weird guy said.

“Meow.” Said Elroy. Which is cat language for “I would if you would quit interrupting me. This morning in the predawn hours I was walking down the hall when I heard a noise coming from the bathroom, now you may assume it was the pop off valve on the water heater but that is just what they want you to think.”

“They being the poltergeist?” The big weird guy asked.

“Meow.” Elroy nodded, which is cat language for “Yes, the poltergeist, they want you to think that is the pop off valve. But it isn’t, it is their secret communications.
When I went to investigate and tell them to get out of here. They attacked me with toilet paper.”

“They attacked you with toilet paper? Not the plunger? Or the toilet brush or even the shower curtain?” The big weird guy asked bemusedly.

“Meow.” Replied Elroy, which is cat language for “Yes with the toilet paper, they were throwing it up in the air and trying to roll me with it, but I fought back valiantly and just when I thought I had them defeated one of the poltergeist pulled the pin and threw a toilet paper grenade at me luckily I ducked behind the laundry hamper and the TP exploded harmlessly all around me. I then said to them ‘Hey you stinking poltergeist, get the heck on out of here.’ to which they replied ‘Okay.’ and they left.”

“Really?” The big weird guy asked. “So that is how it happened?”

“Meow?” Asked Elroy, which is cat language for  “Are you going to believe me or are you going to believe a bunch of stinking poltergeist?”

“Wow Elroy,” Said the big weird guy. “I guess you really are a hero.”

“Meow.” Said Elroy, which is cat language for “Great, now where is my medal and I want waffles.”

“Sorry.” The big weird guy responded. “I don’t have a medal to give you and since when do you eat waffles?”

“Meow.” Said Elroy, which is cat language for “I don’t eat waffles you silly beast, I just use them to smack Spookie upside her head.”

“Oh, in that case I will make you some waffles.” The big weird guy said.

So the big weird guy made Elroy J. Catt some waffles which he used to smack Spookie Marie Moosebaum upside her head.

Tune in next time when we hear Spookie Marie Moosebaum say. “Me-ew” Which is cat language for “Big weird guy if Elroy don’t stop waffling me I am going to stick these things up his nose and poop in your shoe again.”

Elroy J. Catt and A Visit From Old Saint Nick.

Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house.
Not a creature was stirring especially not a mouse.
For they were afraid of neither gun, trap nor bat
They were in fear of Elroy J. Catt.
Elroy minded the kitchen and looked at the tree
Where patiently waiting was Spookie Marie

For early that day they had made them a plan
They would wait up all night for the jolly fat man
Not the big weird guy, no he wasn’t the cause
They waited patiently, for good old Santa Claus
The loud boy was sleeping all snug in his bed
While roaches and spiders crawled over his head
The big weird guy had finally settled down
The caring woman was asleep in her gown

They wandered around, they checked out the barbecue grill
They posted the dogs as lookouts on top of the hill
They watched all the routes for an escape plan
They planned on watching that little fat man
He comes in through chimneys Elroy proclaimed
But  he’s too big to fit Spookie Exclaimed
Maybe he shrinks Elroy J. Catt said.
Tiny like a mouse or a spider instead.
I want to see him said Spookie Marie
I want to watch him put presents under the tree

The little cats waited and waited as the night became quite
If necessary they would wait and wait up all night
Then out on the lawn arose such a clatter
Elroy said Spookie lets see whats the matter
There in the glow of the many Christmas lights here
Could be seen a man on a sleigh with eight tiny reindeer
They circled around and came to a stop on the roof
Where Elroy and Spookie could hear each tiny hoof
Of the little reindeer when they stopped really quick
And there by the tree appeared old Saint Nick
Not Saban the coach of Alabama Fame
But the one who used Santa as his other name

Spookie and Elroy stood there in awe
Each covering their mouth with one little paw
It’s you it’s really you Spookie said after a pause
It’s really you, you really are Santa Clause
Santa gave them a nod and pats on their heads
Shouldn’t you kitties be asleep in your beds
I’ve been very good Elroy said and Spookie has too
Except when she pooped in the weird guys old shoe
I couldn’t help it, Spookie said with a frown
She felt as if she had let Santa down
Do not worry for all is still well
His shoes stunk already you could hardly even tell
Then with a smile and a laugh he floated away
Back to the roof, while Elroy and Spookie had to stay
They ran to the window watching as the sleigh took to flight
Then heard him say, Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night.

Elroy J. Catt and the Case of the Stinky Shoe.

It was a typical Saturday morning, the sun had not yet risen as Elroy J. Catt watched the big weird guy stumbling about through the house mumbling and muttering to himself.
“Meow?” Said Elroy to the big weird guy. Which is cat language for “Hey! You going to put some food in my bowl or what?”

“I already have.” The big weird guy responded as he pointed to the bowl.

“Meow.” Said Elroy. Which is cat language for “That is not the food that I want this morning. There are no scrambled eggs, bacon, grits, nor sausage in that bowl and we are out of maple syrup.”

“You don’t even like maple syrup.” The big weird guy replied.

“Meow.” Elroy responded. Which is cat language for “So that still does not change the fact that we are out of maple syrup.”

“I guess not.” Said the big weird guy as he reached for his shoes.

“What’s that smell?” The big weird guy asked, looking at his shoe. “Is that Poop? WHO POOPED IN MY SHOE?”

“Meow.” Elroy said. Which is cat language for “Well it was not me,  so I guess we will have to figure out whether it was the loud boy, the caring woman, Spookie Marie Moosebaum, or any number of those dogs outside.”

“I guess you are right, Elroy.” Said the big weird guy.  

“Ugh! It’s squishy.” The big weird guy said as he tied his shoe laces.

“Meow. Gag.” Elroy said. Which is cat language for “Oh, good grief. You didn’t clean your shoe and still put it on. That is so gross. Gag.”

“Yeah cleaning it out would have made good sense.” The big weird guy said.

Elroy and the big weird guy began searching for clues.

Elroy walked out to the fence where the dogs were standing  and asked. “Did any of you guys poop in the big weird guys shoe?”

Sam, the leader of the dogs looked around at the other dogs for a minute and said. “Elroy, you know we are out here in the pen so there is no way that we could poop in the weird guys shoes unless he left them out here.”

“That is exactly what I thought but we are trying to eliminate all suspects as we go along.” Elroy responded.

“I understand.” Sam said with a nod of his head. Then he asked “Why don’t you check with that other cat, Spookie Marie Moosebaum?”

“Oh, we will. Right now we are just covering all bases.” Elroy replied.

“Gotcha!” Sam said. “Well good luck Elroy.”

“Thanks Sam.” Elroy said as he turned and walked back into the house.

When Elroy arrived back inside his mind was running rampant with questions. Then he saw his food bowl and decided he had more important things to do.
After eating, Elroy walked around through the house trying to gather clues and avoid the big weird guy with his now super stinky foot and shoe.

“Just what do you think you’re doing?” Asked a voice from the dark corner of the living room.
Elroy turned and saw Spookie Marie Moosebaum standing over by the corner shelf.

“I am looking for clues to help the big weird guy find out who pooped in his shoe.” Elroy said.

“Clues? Ha! What kind of clues are you going to find you crosseyeded goofball.” Spookie asked in a mocking tone.

“I’ll solve this case.” Proclaimed Elroy. “And I am not crosseyeded.”

“Yes you are.” Spookie said.

“No I am not.” Elroy replied.

“All the other animals say that you are crosseyeded.” Spookie said.

“They do not.” Elroy responded.

“Yes they do.” Spookie said hatefully.

“Which ones?” Asked Elroy.

“Well, the dogs joke about it. The big weird guys said he was arguing with a weasel and a moose that said you are crosseyeded.”

“There are no moose anywhere around here.” Elroy said.

“There is a whole family of mooses a little North of here.” Spookie laughed.

“Ehh, what do mooses know anyway? All they do is wander around bumping into things, and stirring up trouble.” Elroy said. “Besides I was looking up at the camera.”

Elroy started to walk away but stopped suddenly and turned to Spookie Marie Moosebaum and said. “The dogs asked me to ask you if you would like to go to dinner this evening at their place. Just you and them.”

“Ha, see even the dogs prefer to have me for dinner than they do you.” Spookie mocked.

“Yes. Yes they do.” Elroy said as he walked away.

Three days after the sun came up the loud boy finally woke up and got out of his bed.
Elroy greeted him in the hallway. “Meow?” asked Elroy. Which is cat language for “Good Grief Charlie Brown! You finally woke up, sunrise was three days ago, did you poop in the big weird guys shoe?”

The loud boy stared blankly into space and said. “I aint pooped in nobody’s shoe.” Then he laughed and walked away.

Hearing the loud boy laughing in the hallway the caring woman finally got up and walked into the hall. “What are all these questions?” She asked.

“Meow.” Replied Elroy. Which is cat language for “Well, someone pooped in the big weird guys shoe and now he is walking around with super stinky feet and he is trying to figure out who the culprit was that placed the big squishy stink bomb in his foot wear.”

“Well it wasn’t me.” The caring woman said. “Wait did you say he had stinky feet now? Did he not clean the shoe out?”

“Meow.” Said Elroy. Which is cat language for “Yep stuck his foot right in there on top of it.”

“Ugh!” Said the caring woman as she gagged.

I’m going to solve this case if it takes a lifetime, or the next twenty three minutes, whichever comes first. Elroy thought to himself.

The big weird guy stink footed it back into the house and looked at Elroy. 
“Well did you figure it out?” He asked.

“Meow.” Elroy replied. Which is cat language for “After interviewing suspects and observing their pooping habits, I have deduced that Spookie Marie Moosebaum is the culprit.”

“You deduced that?” Whiffed Spookie. “I told you that I was going to do that.”

“Yes but this made it fun.”

“Wait you observed our pooping habits?” The loud boy asked.

But Elroy J. Catt did not answer the loud boy for he had solved the case and decided it was time to take a nap.

Join us next time when we hear the caring woman say to the big weird guy, “Nuh uh, you aint coming in this house with them nasty stinking feet!” 

Elroy J. Catt and the Old Lawnmower.

It was a typical Spring day as the big weird guy and the loud boy were out side working in the yard. Elroy J. Catt watched curiously as they walked around picking up branches and moving things around.

“Meow?” Which is cat language for “What in the ever loving blue eyed world are you two clowns doing?”  Asked Elroy J. Catt, looking up at the big weird guy.

“We are trying to clean up the yard some so we can mow the grass.” The big weird guy replied. “And we are not clowns.”

“Meow?” Which is cat language for “Why the grass will only grow back and more branches will  fall from the tree?” Elroy asked.

“I know but if we leave everything piled up the place will look like a haunted and deserted house from a Rob Zombie movie.” The big weird guy responded.

“Meow.” Which is cat language for “okay.” Elroy said as he turned and walked across the yard.

Seeing Spookie Marie Moosebaum sitting on the bannister, Elroy walked up and said, “Hello, Spookie.”

To which Spookie replied, “Ugh. Are you still here? Why haven’t they taken you to the pound yet?”

“Because the big weird guy likes me.” Elroy said.

“Well looks like I am going to have to poop in his shoe.” Spookie replied.

“So you want to play chase or tag or something?” Elroy asked.

“I would rather eat turnip greens than play tag or chase.” Spookie said.

“Turnip Greens? I hate turnip greens.” Elroy said.

“Good then please leave now. I have shoe pooping to do.” Spookie said.

“Well. Okay.” Replied Elroy as he turned and walked away.

Elroy chased a grasshopper, then a butterfly, a leaf, the loud boy, and a soccer ball as the big weird guy worked on the yard.
After the big weird guy quit yelling at the loud boy and finished cleaning up the yard, he went over to the old riding lawnmower and tried to get it to crank. Alas, it would not start.

“Stupid lawnmower.” The big weird guy shouted. “Why do you do this to me lawn mowing gods?”

“Now we will just have to use the push mower.” Said the loud boy.

“I guess. You get the mower and I’ll get the weed eater and we will get this mess knocked out.” Said the big weird guy.

Since Elroy did not like the noise from the lawnmower nor the weed eater nor the loud boy he walked back inside the house and grabbed his ear muffs and went back outside to watch the big weird guy try to avoid cutting down the caring woman’s flowers. 

As the big weird guy walked around mumbling and attempting to sing while using the weed eater, Elroy J. Catt thanked his lucky stars that he received the ear muffs for Christmas.

After completion of the lawn work the caring woman walked outside to critique the big weird guy and loud boy’s work.

“Why didn’t you use the riding mower?” The caring woman asked.

“It won’t run.” The big weird guy replied.

“Can you fix it?” The caring woman asked.

“I might be able to but I am really tired of spending money on that thing. I figure I will buy a new one as soon as I can.” The big weird guy responded.

“Meow?” Which is cat language for “What are you going to do with that hunk of scrap metal?” Asked Elroy J. Catt.

“Well I guess we will have to haul it off for scrap iron, there aint much more that it could be used for.” Said the big weird guy as he walked into the house to get some water.

“Hey Dad!” It was the loud boy. “Elroy has found a new use for the lawnmower.”

The big weird guy looked outside at the lawnmower and said “Well I guess he has.”

“Meow.” Said Elroy. Which is cat language for “It makes a pretty good sleeping perch too.”

The End….. For Now.

Tune in next time when we hear Elroy J. Catt say, “Meow!” Which is cat language for “Wow the big weird guys shoes sure do stink.”

Elroy J. Catt and a Home For Ever.

The night was cold and dark as Elroy J. Catt walked down the street. Lucky for him the rain had stopped and he was not soaked.
Up ahead he saw lights, lots and lots of lights, he walked toward the bright twinkling lights and saw that someone had decorated for Christmas. 
“What in the world?” He thought to himself. “It’s just now the night after Halloween.”
As he neared the house with all of the lights he saw another cat walking around in the yard.
“Perhaps that cat will be my friend.” Said Elroy.
Little did Elroy know the other cat was none other than Spookie Marie Moosebaum, she lived in the house, with the big weird guy, the caring woman and the loud boy.
“Hi.” Said Elroy.
“Hello stray cat.” Said Spookie nonchalantly.
“Do you live here?” Asked Elroy.
“Yes, now please leave.” Said Spookie.
“Do you have some food you can spare?” Elroy asked.
“Do I look like a grocery store to you?” Spookie responded snottily.
“No. You look like another cat.” Said Elroy.
Unbeknownst to Elroy, the big weird guy was watching Spookie on the security cameras he had recently installed.
All he could see of Elroy was his eyes glowing in the cameras from under his truck. Thinking it was the fox that the big weird guy and the loud boy had seen earlier that day, coming to try to eat Spookie, the big weird guy jumped up and ran outside yelling chasing Elroy away.
“Dang!” Exclaimed Elroy. “I guess I will have to scavenge the other people’s garbage cans again.”
Elroy went about his business, carefully listening to the sounds of the night, for he too knew of the fox, as well as coyotes who loved to eat unsuspecting cats.
He crept up to the garbage can and leaped onto the edge of it to see if there was anything in it he could eat.
Finding an old ham bone with some meat left on it, Elroy happily began eating.
In the distance he heard the yelping cry of the coyotes as they hunted in the woods behind him. 
He knew they were still far away but still the hair bristled on his back, “I better find some place high so that they can’t eat me.” He said to himself.
The next evening Elroy was walking down the same street when once again he saw Spookie Marie Moosebaum walking in her yard.
“Hello grocery store.” He said with a smile.
“Ugh! You again.” Said Spookie.
“Yes.” Elroy replied it is me. “Be careful wandering about for their are coyotes in the woods behind your house.”
“Coyotes do not bother me, I am faster and I have the big weird guy and the loud boy to scare them away.” Spookie smugly responded.
“I don’t have anyone.” Said Elroy.
“Then I guess you are the one that should be careful.” Spookie said as she turned and walked toward the front door of the house.
It was at that time the big weird guy came outside and chased Elroy away once again.
“Dad, that is just another cat and he seems to be friendly.” Said the loud boy.
“We don’t need no more stinking cats around here.” Said the big weird guy.
“Hmmph.” Said Spookie as she watched Elroy run down the street fleeing from the big weird guy.
The following night Elroy made his way back to the house with all the lights and as he walked toward a truck parked in the drive, he saw the big weird guy putting something down in front of the steps.
“What is he doing?” Elroy asked himself.
“Is that what I think it is?” He questioned.
“That is tuna. I remember Tuna.” He said to himself.
“Alright cat, you can quit sneaking around and come and get some food.” The big weird guy said as he sat down on the steps.
Elroy walked up and looked at the bowl of tuna and looked over at the big weird guy. “Is this a trap?” he asked himself.
But whether it was a trap or not the smell of tuna was too strong for Elroy to resist, so he went over and began eating.
The big weird guy sat there watching him and then said aloud, “It’s too close to Christmas and it is too cold for anyone or anything to be stuck out here with out any food.”
Elroy ate until he could eat no more, looked at the big weird guy and said, “Meow” which is cat language for “Thank you, but it could use a little bit of pepper and maybe just a touch of salt.”
“You’re welcome and I’ll try to remember that.” Said the big weird guy.
Elroy walked away and found himself a nice cozy spot in a drain pipe to sleep through the night.
The next night Elroy walked back by the house with the lights and another smell caught his attention.
“Salmon” he said to himself as he walked up the drive to find a bowl with some salmon cat food in it.
Elroy ate the food and walked away to his cozy spot to sleep again.
As he slept he dreamed of a place where people would love him and let him inside their house, so that he could climb on them and sleep next them and not have to worry so much about being eaten by coyotes. His dreams would be short lived as a noise woke Elroy from his slumber. A sniffing noise followed by a highpitched growl. Looking around he saw a fox. 
The fox was slowly walking through the grass, sniffing and occasionally giving a growl, the sound it makes when it thinks it’s prey is not in the vicinity.
“She’s tracking the rabbit I smelled earlier.”  Thought Elroy. “Uh oh! That rabbit and I crossed trails so that fox is going to pick up my scent as well.”
Elroy knew he had to do something because his cozy spot had just became compromised. If the fox smelled him, he knew it would be just as liable to come after him as it was to go after the rabbit.
Looking around Elroy saw that the nearest tree was still too far for him to outrun a fox, he knew he would have to fight, but he also knew he could not win.
Fearing the worst, Elroy braced himself for what was about to come, when all of a sudden the fox let out a high pitched yelp and ran back toward the woods behind the houses.
It was the big weird guy with a bb gun in his hands. He was shooting the fox with bbs making him run away.
“Here kitty kitty.” The big weird guy said.
Elroy left the drain pipe and walked toward the big weird guy who put the bb gun down and patted Elroys head.
“Come on cat.” He said. “You can stay here tonight.”
Elroy didn’t know what to think as the big weird guy picked him up and carried him inside to where the caring woman, the loud boy and Spookie Marie Moosebaum were sitting.
“What are you doing?”  The caring woman asked.
“I ran that fox off outside, I thought it was going after the neighbors chickens but I believe it was going after this cat so I burned his rear with a couple of bbs.”
“But why are you bringing that stray cat inside?” The caring woman asked.
“I don’t know.” The big weird guy replied. “It just seemed like the thing to do.”
“Well what are you going to name him?” The caring woman asked.
“I don’t know, we will figure that out later.” The big weird guy said.
Elroy looked up at the big weird guy and said “Meow”, which is cat language for “Allow me to introduce myself, my name is Elroy Jefferson Catt, Esquire.”
“Elroy it is then.” Said the big weird guy. I’m Gary, that there is Cindy and the loud one is Hunter. I reckon you can hang out here if you want to.”
The big weird guy placed Elroy on the floor of the living room and walked over and sat down in a recliner and propped his feet up to watch some football.
Elroy sat in the floor for a moment then walked over to the recliner and hopped up into the big weird guys lap… and threw up.
The big weird guy laughed and gagged a little as he stood up and went to the bathroom to clean himself off.
“That is one strange cat.” He said to himself as he went and picked Elroy up and returned to his seat. “Shucks I reckon I like him.”
“Shucks, I reckon I like you too, big weird guy.” Said Elroy. Which sounded a lot like “Meow.”
And every since that night in November two years ago, Elroy J. Catt has lived with the big weird guy, the caring woman and the loud boy.
Now this is where the story would normally say  The End. But it is not the end, it is merely the beginning. 
Tune in next time when we hear Elroy J. Catt say “Meow.” Which is cat language for “Turnip greens? I hate turnip greens.”

Okay Lets Set those Records Straight

Here are some things I hear being thrown out there that are not correct and frankly have gotten carried away.

Number 1. Fighting for our rights.
No soldier since the Civil War, has fought for your rights or freedoms. The truth is every soldier that has died even then died for some misguided political reasons. But rest assured your rights was not one of those reasons. If they were actually fighting for your rights they would be over here fighting politicians, judges, school boards and home owners associations. Because they trample on your rights more than any enemy we have faced since the revolution.

Number 2. Elected Officials
Politicians are not elected officials. They are elected public servants. They only became officials when activist judges were apppointed to allow their agendas to become laws. Politicians all the way up to the president work for us and need to be reminded of that from time to time.

Number 3. First Responders
Police officers, firefighters and ambulance personnel are not first responders. The person who call the dispatcher is a first responder. The dispatcher is the second and the person called by dispatch is in actuality the third.

Number 4. Hero
The most overused and misused word in the American language next to racist (I will get into that one in a minute).
A hero is some one that faces certain danger or overcomes all odds to succeed or sacrifices themselves for the betterment of those around them.
Bruce Jenner winning the gold in the Olympics kind of made him a hero. Turning himself from a seventy year old man into an eighty year old woman did not.
Someone doing what they should do is not a hero, nor is everyone that puts on a uniform.

Number 5. Racist
The most overused word in America.
By definition a racist is someone showing or feeling discrimination or prejudice against people of other races, or believing that a particular race is superior to another.
Not someone who wants people to have to obey the same laws they have to obey.
Not someone who wants to protect our borders.
Not someone who disagrees with a person of a different skin tone over philosophical ideas. Sometimes people just disagree.

Number 6. Court of Law
Most politicians are or were lawyers, therefore when they come up with new laws it is mostly to benefit themselves or their particular interests.
When those laws are enforced by courts containing judges that are appointed by those same politicians the “of Law” part gets watered down a good bit. When judges no longer have to answer to anyone they become part of the problem.

Number 7. Your Rights End Where Mine Begin
No. You still have the same rights, we all do, they do not end, you just cannot use your rights to infringe upon my rights just as I cannot use my rights to infringe upon yours.

That’s all for now.