Elroy J. Catt and the TP of Doom

It was a typical Saturday morning as Elroy J. Catt was walking through the house, the big weird guy was drinking a cup of coffee and mumbling to himself.
The caring woman was still asleep as was the loud boy who had stayed up playing video games to the break of dawn.

Elroy walked by the big weird guy and said “Meow.” Which is cat language for “Whatcha doing big weird guy.”

“Reading my email and quit calling me weird.” The big weird guy responded.

“Email huh?” thought Elroy, “Seems like a waste of time to me.”

After finishing his coffee the big weird guy walked into the bathroom and asked “What in the ever-loving blue-eyed world has happened in here?”

“Meow?” Asked Elroy “Which is cat language for “Why big weird guy whatever do you mean?”

“I mean there is toilet paper everywhere. On the toilet, in the toilet, on the sink, in the shower, on the light bulbs, on the light switch, in the cabinet behind the sink, on the shelves by the toilet, it’s like toilet paper rolls exploded.” The big weird guy exclaimed.

“Meow.” Said Elroy. Which is cat language for “Hmm, I will have to get to the bottom of this mystery.”

“Elroy, did you do this?” The big weird guy asked calmly.

“Meow?” replied Elroy. Which is cat language for “Who me?”


The big weird guy cleaned up all the toilet paper and put it in the trash, and carried it outside to the garbage can.

“I have to solve this mystery fast.” Elroy thought to himself, “Or else they are going to blame me for this.

 

Elroy J. Catt walked through the living room where he saw Spookie Marie Moosebaum sitting in her favorite chair.

“Hey Spookie. What are you doing?” Elroy asked.

“Shedding.” Spookie replied. “Now leave me alone.”

 

“Do you know anything about the toilet paper explosion that occurred sometime during the night?” Elroy asked.

“I care not about toilet paper, I have more important things to do, such as shedding.” Spookie replied.

“Shedding is not that difficult.” Elroy said. “Everyone sheds, you, me, the caring woman, the big weird guy, the loud boy, everyone.”

“Yes but does everyone know how to pick places that are going to have just the right amount of static electricity so that the hairs will stick to everything that comes in contact with them?” Spookie asked.

“Well I guess I never thought of that.” Elroy replied.

“Of course you didn’t, you are as much an ignorant peasant as the rest of the bunch that live here.” Spookie said haughtily.

“Okey dokey.” Said Elroy as he walked into the kitchen. Where the big weird guy was getting a cup of coffee.

“Meow.” Said Elroy to the big weird guy. Which is cat language for “Hey, big weird guy, give me some food.”

“I just put some food in your dish.” The big weird guy said.

“Meow.” Replied Elroy, which is cat language for  “Yes, but that food is at least thirty seconds old and I can see the bottom of my dish, and besides that Spookie may or may not have breathed in the direction of my food bowl when she was over there scowling at her food bowl.”

“Oh good grief.” The big weird guy said as he put more cat food into Elroy’s bowl.

As Elroy ate the newer cat food he pondered the enigma of the toilet paper.

Then remembering what happened he walked into the living room past the shedding Spookie Marie and over to the big weird guy.
“Meow.” Said Elroy. Which is cat language for “I just remembered how the toilet paper got exploded.”

“Oh really? How?” The big weird guy asked.

“Meow.” Elroy replied. “Poltergeist.”

“Poltergeist?” The big weird guy asked. “Are you sure?”

“Meow.” Said Elroy. Which is cat language for “Yes I am quite certain. In fact I will tell you what happened.”

“Do tell.” The big weird guy said.

“Meow.” Said Elroy. Which is cat language for “I would if you would quit interrupting me. This morning in the predawn hours I was walking down the hall when I heard a noise coming from the bathroom, now you may assume it was the pop off valve on the water heater but that is just what they want you to think.”

“They being the poltergeist?” The big weird guy asked.

“Meow.” Elroy nodded, which is cat language for “Yes, the poltergeist, they want you to think that is the pop off valve. But it isn’t, it is their secret communications.
When I went to investigate and tell them to get out of here. They attacked me with toilet paper.”

“They attacked you with toilet paper? Not the plunger? Or the toilet brush or even the shower curtain?” The big weird guy asked bemusedly.

“Meow.” Replied Elroy, which is cat language for “Yes with the toilet paper, they were throwing it up in the air and trying to roll me with it, but I fought back valiantly and just when I thought I had them defeated one of the poltergeist pulled the pin and threw a toilet paper grenade at me luckily I ducked behind the laundry hamper and the TP exploded harmlessly all around me. I then said to them ‘Hey you stinking poltergeist, get the heck on out of here.’ to which they replied ‘Okay.’ and they left.”

“Really?” The big weird guy asked. “So that is how it happened?”

“Meow?” Asked Elroy, which is cat language for  “Are you going to believe me or are you going to believe a bunch of stinking poltergeist?”

“Wow Elroy,” Said the big weird guy. “I guess you really are a hero.”

“Meow.” Said Elroy, which is cat language for “Great, now where is my medal and I want waffles.”

“Sorry.” The big weird guy responded. “I don’t have a medal to give you and since when do you eat waffles?”

“Meow.” Said Elroy, which is cat language for “I don’t eat waffles you silly beast, I just use them to smack Spookie upside her head.”

“Oh, in that case I will make you some waffles.” The big weird guy said.

So the big weird guy made Elroy J. Catt some waffles which he used to smack Spookie Marie Moosebaum upside her head.

Tune in next time when we hear Spookie Marie Moosebaum say. “Me-ew” Which is cat language for “Big weird guy if Elroy don’t stop waffling me I am going to stick these things up his nose and poop in your shoe again.”

Elroy J. Catt and A Visit From Old Saint Nick.

Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house.
Not a creature was stirring especially not a mouse.
For they were afraid of neither gun, trap nor bat
They were in fear of Elroy J. Catt.
Elroy minded the kitchen and looked at the tree
Where patiently waiting was Spookie Marie

For early that day they had made them a plan
They would wait up all night for the jolly fat man
Not the big weird guy, no he wasn’t the cause
They waited patiently, for good old Santa Claus
The loud boy was sleeping all snug in his bed
While roaches and spiders crawled over his head
The big weird guy had finally settled down
The caring woman was asleep in her gown

They wandered around, they checked out the barbecue grill
They posted the dogs as lookouts on top of the hill
They watched all the routes for an escape plan
They planned on watching that little fat man
He comes in through chimneys Elroy proclaimed
But  he’s too big to fit Spookie Exclaimed
Maybe he shrinks Elroy J. Catt said.
Tiny like a mouse or a spider instead.
I want to see him said Spookie Marie
I want to watch him put presents under the tree

The little cats waited and waited as the night became quite
If necessary they would wait and wait up all night
Then out on the lawn arose such a clatter
Elroy said Spookie lets see whats the matter
There in the glow of the many Christmas lights here
Could be seen a man on a sleigh with eight tiny reindeer
They circled around and came to a stop on the roof
Where Elroy and Spookie could hear each tiny hoof
Of the little reindeer when they stopped really quick
And there by the tree appeared old Saint Nick
Not Saban the coach of Alabama Fame
But the one who used Santa as his other name

Spookie and Elroy stood there in awe
Each covering their mouth with one little paw
It’s you it’s really you Spookie said after a pause
It’s really you, you really are Santa Clause
Santa gave them a nod and pats on their heads
Shouldn’t you kitties be asleep in your beds
I’ve been very good Elroy said and Spookie has too
Except when she pooped in the weird guys old shoe
I couldn’t help it, Spookie said with a frown
She felt as if she had let Santa down
Do not worry for all is still well
His shoes stunk already you could hardly even tell
Then with a smile and a laugh he floated away
Back to the roof, while Elroy and Spookie had to stay
They ran to the window watching as the sleigh took to flight
Then heard him say, Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night.

Elroy J. Catt and the Case of the Stinky Shoe.

It was a typical Saturday morning, the sun had not yet risen as Elroy J. Catt watched the big weird guy stumbling about through the house mumbling and muttering to himself.
“Meow?” Said Elroy to the big weird guy. Which is cat language for “Hey! You going to put some food in my bowl or what?”

“I already have.” The big weird guy responded as he pointed to the bowl.

“Meow.” Said Elroy. Which is cat language for “That is not the food that I want this morning. There are no scrambled eggs, bacon, grits, nor sausage in that bowl and we are out of maple syrup.”

“You don’t even like maple syrup.” The big weird guy replied.

“Meow.” Elroy responded. Which is cat language for “So that still does not change the fact that we are out of maple syrup.”

“I guess not.” Said the big weird guy as he reached for his shoes.

“What’s that smell?” The big weird guy asked, looking at his shoe. “Is that Poop? WHO POOPED IN MY SHOE?”

“Meow.” Elroy said. Which is cat language for “Well it was not me,  so I guess we will have to figure out whether it was the loud boy, the caring woman, Spookie Marie Moosebaum, or any number of those dogs outside.”

“I guess you are right, Elroy.” Said the big weird guy.  

“Ugh! It’s squishy.” The big weird guy said as he tied his shoe laces.

“Meow. Gag.” Elroy said. Which is cat language for “Oh, good grief. You didn’t clean your shoe and still put it on. That is so gross. Gag.”

“Yeah cleaning it out would have made good sense.” The big weird guy said.

Elroy and the big weird guy began searching for clues.

Elroy walked out to the fence where the dogs were standing  and asked. “Did any of you guys poop in the big weird guys shoe?”

Sam, the leader of the dogs looked around at the other dogs for a minute and said. “Elroy, you know we are out here in the pen so there is no way that we could poop in the weird guys shoes unless he left them out here.”

“That is exactly what I thought but we are trying to eliminate all suspects as we go along.” Elroy responded.

“I understand.” Sam said with a nod of his head. Then he asked “Why don’t you check with that other cat, Spookie Marie Moosebaum?”

“Oh, we will. Right now we are just covering all bases.” Elroy replied.

“Gotcha!” Sam said. “Well good luck Elroy.”

“Thanks Sam.” Elroy said as he turned and walked back into the house.

When Elroy arrived back inside his mind was running rampant with questions. Then he saw his food bowl and decided he had more important things to do.
After eating, Elroy walked around through the house trying to gather clues and avoid the big weird guy with his now super stinky foot and shoe.

“Just what do you think you’re doing?” Asked a voice from the dark corner of the living room.
Elroy turned and saw Spookie Marie Moosebaum standing over by the corner shelf.

“I am looking for clues to help the big weird guy find out who pooped in his shoe.” Elroy said.

“Clues? Ha! What kind of clues are you going to find you crosseyeded goofball.” Spookie asked in a mocking tone.

“I’ll solve this case.” Proclaimed Elroy. “And I am not crosseyeded.”

“Yes you are.” Spookie said.

“No I am not.” Elroy replied.

“All the other animals say that you are crosseyeded.” Spookie said.

“They do not.” Elroy responded.

“Yes they do.” Spookie said hatefully.

“Which ones?” Asked Elroy.

“Well, the dogs joke about it. The big weird guys said he was arguing with a weasel and a moose that said you are crosseyeded.”

“There are no moose anywhere around here.” Elroy said.

“There is a whole family of mooses a little North of here.” Spookie laughed.

“Ehh, what do mooses know anyway? All they do is wander around bumping into things, and stirring up trouble.” Elroy said. “Besides I was looking up at the camera.”

Elroy started to walk away but stopped suddenly and turned to Spookie Marie Moosebaum and said. “The dogs asked me to ask you if you would like to go to dinner this evening at their place. Just you and them.”

“Ha, see even the dogs prefer to have me for dinner than they do you.” Spookie mocked.

“Yes. Yes they do.” Elroy said as he walked away.

Three days after the sun came up the loud boy finally woke up and got out of his bed.
Elroy greeted him in the hallway. “Meow?” asked Elroy. Which is cat language for “Good Grief Charlie Brown! You finally woke up, sunrise was three days ago, did you poop in the big weird guys shoe?”

The loud boy stared blankly into space and said. “I aint pooped in nobody’s shoe.” Then he laughed and walked away.

Hearing the loud boy laughing in the hallway the caring woman finally got up and walked into the hall. “What are all these questions?” She asked.

“Meow.” Replied Elroy. Which is cat language for “Well, someone pooped in the big weird guys shoe and now he is walking around with super stinky feet and he is trying to figure out who the culprit was that placed the big squishy stink bomb in his foot wear.”

“Well it wasn’t me.” The caring woman said. “Wait did you say he had stinky feet now? Did he not clean the shoe out?”

“Meow.” Said Elroy. Which is cat language for “Yep stuck his foot right in there on top of it.”

“Ugh!” Said the caring woman as she gagged.

I’m going to solve this case if it takes a lifetime, or the next twenty three minutes, whichever comes first. Elroy thought to himself.

The big weird guy stink footed it back into the house and looked at Elroy. 
“Well did you figure it out?” He asked.

“Meow.” Elroy replied. Which is cat language for “After interviewing suspects and observing their pooping habits, I have deduced that Spookie Marie Moosebaum is the culprit.”

“You deduced that?” Whiffed Spookie. “I told you that I was going to do that.”

“Yes but this made it fun.”

“Wait you observed our pooping habits?” The loud boy asked.

But Elroy J. Catt did not answer the loud boy for he had solved the case and decided it was time to take a nap.

Join us next time when we hear the caring woman say to the big weird guy, “Nuh uh, you aint coming in this house with them nasty stinking feet!” 

Elroy J. Catt and the Old Lawnmower.

It was a typical Spring day as the big weird guy and the loud boy were out side working in the yard. Elroy J. Catt watched curiously as they walked around picking up branches and moving things around.

“Meow?” Which is cat language for “What in the ever loving blue eyed world are you two clowns doing?”  Asked Elroy J. Catt, looking up at the big weird guy.

“We are trying to clean up the yard some so we can mow the grass.” The big weird guy replied. “And we are not clowns.”

“Meow?” Which is cat language for “Why the grass will only grow back and more branches will  fall from the tree?” Elroy asked.

“I know but if we leave everything piled up the place will look like a haunted and deserted house from a Rob Zombie movie.” The big weird guy responded.

“Meow.” Which is cat language for “okay.” Elroy said as he turned and walked across the yard.

Seeing Spookie Marie Moosebaum sitting on the bannister, Elroy walked up and said, “Hello, Spookie.”

To which Spookie replied, “Ugh. Are you still here? Why haven’t they taken you to the pound yet?”

“Because the big weird guy likes me.” Elroy said.

“Well looks like I am going to have to poop in his shoe.” Spookie replied.

“So you want to play chase or tag or something?” Elroy asked.

“I would rather eat turnip greens than play tag or chase.” Spookie said.

“Turnip Greens? I hate turnip greens.” Elroy said.

“Good then please leave now. I have shoe pooping to do.” Spookie said.

“Well. Okay.” Replied Elroy as he turned and walked away.

Elroy chased a grasshopper, then a butterfly, a leaf, the loud boy, and a soccer ball as the big weird guy worked on the yard.
After the big weird guy quit yelling at the loud boy and finished cleaning up the yard, he went over to the old riding lawnmower and tried to get it to crank. Alas, it would not start.

“Stupid lawnmower.” The big weird guy shouted. “Why do you do this to me lawn mowing gods?”

“Now we will just have to use the push mower.” Said the loud boy.

“I guess. You get the mower and I’ll get the weed eater and we will get this mess knocked out.” Said the big weird guy.

Since Elroy did not like the noise from the lawnmower nor the weed eater nor the loud boy he walked back inside the house and grabbed his ear muffs and went back outside to watch the big weird guy try to avoid cutting down the caring woman’s flowers. 

As the big weird guy walked around mumbling and attempting to sing while using the weed eater, Elroy J. Catt thanked his lucky stars that he received the ear muffs for Christmas.

After completion of the lawn work the caring woman walked outside to critique the big weird guy and loud boy’s work.

“Why didn’t you use the riding mower?” The caring woman asked.

“It won’t run.” The big weird guy replied.

“Can you fix it?” The caring woman asked.

“I might be able to but I am really tired of spending money on that thing. I figure I will buy a new one as soon as I can.” The big weird guy responded.

“Meow?” Which is cat language for “What are you going to do with that hunk of scrap metal?” Asked Elroy J. Catt.

“Well I guess we will have to haul it off for scrap iron, there aint much more that it could be used for.” Said the big weird guy as he walked into the house to get some water.

“Hey Dad!” It was the loud boy. “Elroy has found a new use for the lawnmower.”

The big weird guy looked outside at the lawnmower and said “Well I guess he has.”

“Meow.” Said Elroy. Which is cat language for “It makes a pretty good sleeping perch too.”

The End….. For Now.

Tune in next time when we hear Elroy J. Catt say, “Meow!” Which is cat language for “Wow the big weird guys shoes sure do stink.”

Elroy J. Catt and a Home For Ever.

The night was cold and dark as Elroy J. Catt walked down the street. Lucky for him the rain had stopped and he was not soaked.
Up ahead he saw lights, lots and lots of lights, he walked toward the bright twinkling lights and saw that someone had decorated for Christmas. 
“What in the world?” He thought to himself. “It’s just now the night after Halloween.”
As he neared the house with all of the lights he saw another cat walking around in the yard.
“Perhaps that cat will be my friend.” Said Elroy.
Little did Elroy know the other cat was none other than Spookie Marie Moosebaum, she lived in the house, with the big weird guy, the caring woman and the loud boy.
“Hi.” Said Elroy.
“Hello stray cat.” Said Spookie nonchalantly.
“Do you live here?” Asked Elroy.
“Yes, now please leave.” Said Spookie.
“Do you have some food you can spare?” Elroy asked.
“Do I look like a grocery store to you?” Spookie responded snottily.
“No. You look like another cat.” Said Elroy.
Unbeknownst to Elroy, the big weird guy was watching Spookie on the security cameras he had recently installed.
All he could see of Elroy was his eyes glowing in the cameras from under his truck. Thinking it was the fox that the big weird guy and the loud boy had seen earlier that day, coming to try to eat Spookie, the big weird guy jumped up and ran outside yelling chasing Elroy away.
“Dang!” Exclaimed Elroy. “I guess I will have to scavenge the other people’s garbage cans again.”
Elroy went about his business, carefully listening to the sounds of the night, for he too knew of the fox, as well as coyotes who loved to eat unsuspecting cats.
He crept up to the garbage can and leaped onto the edge of it to see if there was anything in it he could eat.
Finding an old ham bone with some meat left on it, Elroy happily began eating.
In the distance he heard the yelping cry of the coyotes as they hunted in the woods behind him. 
He knew they were still far away but still the hair bristled on his back, “I better find some place high so that they can’t eat me.” He said to himself.
The next evening Elroy was walking down the same street when once again he saw Spookie Marie Moosebaum walking in her yard.
“Hello grocery store.” He said with a smile.
“Ugh! You again.” Said Spookie.
“Yes.” Elroy replied it is me. “Be careful wandering about for their are coyotes in the woods behind your house.”
“Coyotes do not bother me, I am faster and I have the big weird guy and the loud boy to scare them away.” Spookie smugly responded.
“I don’t have anyone.” Said Elroy.
“Then I guess you are the one that should be careful.” Spookie said as she turned and walked toward the front door of the house.
It was at that time the big weird guy came outside and chased Elroy away once again.
“Dad, that is just another cat and he seems to be friendly.” Said the loud boy.
“We don’t need no more stinking cats around here.” Said the big weird guy.
“Hmmph.” Said Spookie as she watched Elroy run down the street fleeing from the big weird guy.
The following night Elroy made his way back to the house with all the lights and as he walked toward a truck parked in the drive, he saw the big weird guy putting something down in front of the steps.
“What is he doing?” Elroy asked himself.
“Is that what I think it is?” He questioned.
“That is tuna. I remember Tuna.” He said to himself.
“Alright cat, you can quit sneaking around and come and get some food.” The big weird guy said as he sat down on the steps.
Elroy walked up and looked at the bowl of tuna and looked over at the big weird guy. “Is this a trap?” he asked himself.
But whether it was a trap or not the smell of tuna was too strong for Elroy to resist, so he went over and began eating.
The big weird guy sat there watching him and then said aloud, “It’s too close to Christmas and it is too cold for anyone or anything to be stuck out here with out any food.”
Elroy ate until he could eat no more, looked at the big weird guy and said, “Meow” which is cat language for “Thank you, but it could use a little bit of pepper and maybe just a touch of salt.”
“You’re welcome and I’ll try to remember that.” Said the big weird guy.
Elroy walked away and found himself a nice cozy spot in a drain pipe to sleep through the night.
The next night Elroy walked back by the house with the lights and another smell caught his attention.
“Salmon” he said to himself as he walked up the drive to find a bowl with some salmon cat food in it.
Elroy ate the food and walked away to his cozy spot to sleep again.
As he slept he dreamed of a place where people would love him and let him inside their house, so that he could climb on them and sleep next them and not have to worry so much about being eaten by coyotes. His dreams would be short lived as a noise woke Elroy from his slumber. A sniffing noise followed by a highpitched growl. Looking around he saw a fox. 
The fox was slowly walking through the grass, sniffing and occasionally giving a growl, the sound it makes when it thinks it’s prey is not in the vicinity.
“She’s tracking the rabbit I smelled earlier.”  Thought Elroy. “Uh oh! That rabbit and I crossed trails so that fox is going to pick up my scent as well.”
Elroy knew he had to do something because his cozy spot had just became compromised. If the fox smelled him, he knew it would be just as liable to come after him as it was to go after the rabbit.
Looking around Elroy saw that the nearest tree was still too far for him to outrun a fox, he knew he would have to fight, but he also knew he could not win.
Fearing the worst, Elroy braced himself for what was about to come, when all of a sudden the fox let out a high pitched yelp and ran back toward the woods behind the houses.
It was the big weird guy with a bb gun in his hands. He was shooting the fox with bbs making him run away.
“Here kitty kitty.” The big weird guy said.
Elroy left the drain pipe and walked toward the big weird guy who put the bb gun down and patted Elroys head.
“Come on cat.” He said. “You can stay here tonight.”
Elroy didn’t know what to think as the big weird guy picked him up and carried him inside to where the caring woman, the loud boy and Spookie Marie Moosebaum were sitting.
“What are you doing?”  The caring woman asked.
“I ran that fox off outside, I thought it was going after the neighbors chickens but I believe it was going after this cat so I burned his rear with a couple of bbs.”
“But why are you bringing that stray cat inside?” The caring woman asked.
“I don’t know.” The big weird guy replied. “It just seemed like the thing to do.”
“Well what are you going to name him?” The caring woman asked.
“I don’t know, we will figure that out later.” The big weird guy said.
Elroy looked up at the big weird guy and said “Meow”, which is cat language for “Allow me to introduce myself, my name is Elroy Jefferson Catt, Esquire.”
“Elroy it is then.” Said the big weird guy. I’m Gary, that there is Cindy and the loud one is Hunter. I reckon you can hang out here if you want to.”
The big weird guy placed Elroy on the floor of the living room and walked over and sat down in a recliner and propped his feet up to watch some football.
Elroy sat in the floor for a moment then walked over to the recliner and hopped up into the big weird guys lap… and threw up.
The big weird guy laughed and gagged a little as he stood up and went to the bathroom to clean himself off.
“That is one strange cat.” He said to himself as he went and picked Elroy up and returned to his seat. “Shucks I reckon I like him.”
“Shucks, I reckon I like you too, big weird guy.” Said Elroy. Which sounded a lot like “Meow.”
And every since that night in November two years ago, Elroy J. Catt has lived with the big weird guy, the caring woman and the loud boy.
Now this is where the story would normally say  The End. But it is not the end, it is merely the beginning. 
Tune in next time when we hear Elroy J. Catt say “Meow.” Which is cat language for “Turnip greens? I hate turnip greens.”

Okay Lets Set those Records Straight

Here are some things I hear being thrown out there that are not correct and frankly have gotten carried away.

Number 1. Fighting for our rights.
No soldier since the Civil War, has fought for your rights or freedoms. The truth is every soldier that has died even then died for some misguided political reasons. But rest assured your rights was not one of those reasons. If they were actually fighting for your rights they would be over here fighting politicians, judges, school boards and home owners associations. Because they trample on your rights more than any enemy we have faced since the revolution.

Number 2. Elected Officials
Politicians are not elected officials. They are elected public servants. They only became officials when activist judges were apppointed to allow their agendas to become laws. Politicians all the way up to the president work for us and need to be reminded of that from time to time.

Number 3. First Responders
Police officers, firefighters and ambulance personnel are not first responders. The person who call the dispatcher is a first responder. The dispatcher is the second and the person called by dispatch is in actuality the third.

Number 4. Hero
The most overused and misused word in the American language next to racist (I will get into that one in a minute).
A hero is some one that faces certain danger or overcomes all odds to succeed or sacrifices themselves for the betterment of those around them.
Bruce Jenner winning the gold in the Olympics kind of made him a hero. Turning himself from a seventy year old man into an eighty year old woman did not.
Someone doing what they should do is not a hero, nor is everyone that puts on a uniform.

Number 5. Racist
The most overused word in America.
By definition a racist is someone showing or feeling discrimination or prejudice against people of other races, or believing that a particular race is superior to another.
Not someone who wants people to have to obey the same laws they have to obey.
Not someone who wants to protect our borders.
Not someone who disagrees with a person of a different skin tone over philosophical ideas. Sometimes people just disagree.

Number 6. Court of Law
Most politicians are or were lawyers, therefore when they come up with new laws it is mostly to benefit themselves or their particular interests.
When those laws are enforced by courts containing judges that are appointed by those same politicians the “of Law” part gets watered down a good bit. When judges no longer have to answer to anyone they become part of the problem.

Number 7. Your Rights End Where Mine Begin
No. You still have the same rights, we all do, they do not end, you just cannot use your rights to infringe upon my rights just as I cannot use my rights to infringe upon yours.

That’s all for now.

 

Elroy A strange Cat.

So this is Elroy J. Cat. He just wandered up one evening and decided that he would take up residence at our house.

He sleeps in strange places. Like on the engine of the Frankenmower.

This is Spooky Marie Moosebaum. She was the only cat here for a while until Elroy showed up.

Spooky is not amused.

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Changing The Fuel Pump On A 1996 F150

If you have to change your fuel pump my first word of advice is take it to a shop.
If you are one of these do it yourself people (idiots) like me then here is a detailed tutorial on how to perform this task.
There are two ways to do this and neither are very good.

The first way is if you have access to a lift and a proper jack you can drop the tank and the procedure should take about 1 hour.

The second way is to remove the truck bed leaving the tank in place.

I went with the second.
Okay so now that  we have established that you are doing it the second way, lets get started with this tutorial.

First you should know that I have a knee that is not co-operating in any shape form or fashion.
So go sprain your knee and that way you can do it just like I did.

Step one – Remove the negative cable from the battery.

Step two – If you have a bedliner remove it from the bed.

Step three – Remove three screws in each of the filler necks. They hold the filler necks to the bed.

Step four – Crawl under the truck and realize that you have the wrong socket for your impact wrench. It requires a 3/4 inch socket.

Step five – Cuss (curse for you proper speaking folks) I found words like motor scooter, mother father, and you son of a biscuit work best.

Step six –  Get the right socket and crawl back under the truck.
Step seven – Remove the six nuts that hold the bed down, be sure to get lots of dirt and dust in your face and eyes.

Step eight –  Unplug the tail light connectors, making sure you get plenty of dirt and debris in your eyes again.

Step nine –  Work the bed back until you have enough room to get to the fuel pump.

Step ten – Unplug the electrical connector that powers the fuel pump.

Step eleven – Remove the fuel lines from the fuel pump. This step requires a special tool and a lot of cussing, unless the fuel lines come loose easily. Mine did not.

Step twelve –  Remove the plate that holds the fuel pump in place. Use a non-ferrous punch or chisel to do this so you avoid sparks.

Step thirteen – Remove the fuel pump assembly from the tank.

Step fourteen – Once you have removed the fuel pump assembly, remove the float assembly from the fuel pump.

Step fifteen – The new fuel pump comes with a little plastic wedge place it around one of the lines and using a flat head screw driver, gently pry the lines out of the old fuel pump.

Step sixteen – Cut the wires to the fuel pump (red and black wires) and toss that sucker. Be sure not to cut your sending unit wires (smaller yellow and brown wires).

Step seventeen – Insert the tubes into the new fuel pump, may have to push hard to get them in.

Step eighteen – Connect the fuel pump wires with the butt splices that should have came with your new fuel pump.

Step nineteen – Reattach the float assembly to the new pump.

Step twenty – Put your gasket (should have came with the new pump) on the assembly and work it toward the top.

Step twenty one – Make sure to put the new strainer on the bottom of the fuel pump.

Step twenty two – Put the fuel pump assembly back into the tank. There are two tabs you must line up to do this. Make sure your gasket is where it needs to be.

Step twenty three – Reinstall the clamp ring that holds the fuel pump assembly in place.

Step twenty four – Reinstall the fuel lines and plug the wiring harness back together.

Step twenty five – Reinstall your battery cable and make sure your fuel pump is working.

Step twenty six – If fuel pump is working reinstall the bed of the truck.

Step twenty seven – Once you have the bed of the truck installed and all the connectors hooked back up, and the filler tubes back in place and screwed down, drink a cold beer.

Step twenty eight – Figure out how much this is worth to you to have to do again and then next time you need to have this done, hire someone.

 

 

One Fine Day In The Oval Office

Friday 11:00 Eastern Time

We enter the Oval Office to see a despondent Joe Biden talking to a morose Barack Obama, when Donald Trump walks into the room.

Donald Trump: Hey guys, YOU’RE FIRED!

And conservatives lived happily ever after.

The End.

Donald you’re doing it wrong. At least this part.

Trumps Inauguration and Why I Think He Is Doing It Wrong.

Make America Great Again

The media is making a big deal out of all these A-list or so called A-list performers that are turning President Elect Trump down as far as performing at his inauguration.
I understand why some of them are, they are liberals and have always been so what’s the big deal, I would not expect them to change their views for someone they do not support.
I wouldn’t. If I were a musician and had been invited I would not have appeared at Obama’s nor Clinton’s inaugurations, because of my personal beliefs. 
I may not support these musicians or in some cases auto tune specialists views but I can respect the fact that they are sticking to their guns (or no guns).
In my humble deplorable opinion I think P-E  Trumps should send people out to bars and conventions, state fairs, city fests and such, find the bands or performers who are trying to make it big, the unknowns (like the ones that voted for him), the ones who haven’t sold their beliefs out to the recording industry yet. Use them.
There would be plenty of very talented guys and girls that would be willing to play for him just to get their names out there.
Then not only would there be good music but another boost to Trumps ego would be that he helped get these people noticed.
I know some people might think they would crash and burn on a big stage like that but has anyone been paying attention to any of the Super Bowl half time shows lately? They have all sucked.
Since he has gotten to the top and won the race it seems as though his team has been reaching out the same way Hillary’s team did before the election.
Screw that!
It wasn’t the A-list that got you elected Donald. It was the unknowns, working class, deplorables, the little people that had no voices in the media or government.
You called on us to help you win the election, why now can you not call on us to help you with your inauguration?

Make America Great Again.